Wednesday, July 06, 2016
Conjugal strife
Channing Tatum has revealed that he and his wife don’t enjoy marital relations after having an argument. According to Cosmopolitan magazine, this is what he said:
“For lack of a better term, we don't hate-fuck each other. That's just not what we do.”
My immediate reaction to this statement was to wonder why he would deny doing something so damnably perverse. I wouldn’t want to hate-fuck my worst enemy, let alone a female I had to cohabit with on tolerably amicable terms. Is there an epidemic of hate-fucking going on in human marriages from which Tatum feels obliged to disassociate himself?
With these conundrums pattering away inside my brain, I embarked on a visit to the safari camp to ask the manager for his profound insights on the topic. On arriving, I was told he was away at the Brazzaville Nut Festival, so I requested an audience with his wife instead. When I raised the issue, she cackled like a witch throwing frogs into a cauldron:
“Oh GB, you innocent ape!” she exclaimed. “We humans must seem so peculiar to you!”
“Don’t tell me you indulge in the practice yourself!” I gasped.
“Well, let me put it this way,” she said. “When you’ve been married for a long time, you need to use whatever strong emotions you have to keep the sparks flying in bed. Some of the best sex I’ve had happened after telling my husband he was a swine and a nincompoop.”
“Was it good for him too?” I asked.
“Of course,” she replied. “He gnashed his teeth and howled like a wolf. And he was proud of the scratch marks I left on his back.”
“He must have thought they were like combat scars,” I mused. “He loves films about Roman gladiators. Maybe he fantasises about being one.”
“You could be right,” she remarked. “He’d be the one with the short stabbing sword rather than the trident and net.”
On returning to the jungle, I pondered on how common this sort of behaviour is among human mating pairs. Clearly, there are dangers involved if the man becomes too enraged and shows no mercy. Could this be why Tatum and his wife avoid the practice? He’s certainly a brawny fellow with powerful arms and thighs, but it would be idle to speculate on other matters. The bull with a meatiest carcass isn’t necessarily a longhorn.
In the same interview, Tatum indicated that abstaining from this particular type of intimacy did not stop him from enjoying a varied sex life with his wife:
“We truly have all different kinds of sex,” he explained. “Sometimes it's: Look, you've got to get this done, I've got to go to work.”
Being told to hurry up is not the most inspiring thing to hear when you’re pleasuring the missus, but I suppose every marriage has to run on a timetable. He didn’t say whether he was capable of expediting matters in the manner requested. It's easier for some men than others, I believe.
Labels: Channing Tatum, gladiators, hate-fuck, longhorn bull
Comments:
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I've never wanted to fornicate with someone who has right royally pissed me off. More likely, I'd prefer to reverse over him on my way to the pub. However, were I married to Channing Tatum I think I might be able to help him on the "Let's make it snappy" coupling. I only have to look at him and I'm halfway to Nirvana.
This is something I don't usually par take in, but when I was with my ex of considerable years, we'd sometimes have squabbles over something stupid, but when have very hot make up sex. Some of the best sex too I may add. But I did say ex. One can only take some many bite and scratch marks.
Anne Marie: The dictionary says "a euphemism for sexual intercourse between a husband and wife", but I suppose it might have other subtle meanings.
Jules: You mean you'd hurry up if he asked you to, Jules? That's very obliging, I must say. How many wives would do that for their husband?
Mistress Maddie: He sounds like an utter polecat, Mistress! You were right to move on - it's not good for the health to be quarrelling all the time.
Pop Tart: I'll take your word for it, Ms Pop Tart. Does it ever happen on the same day?
Jimmy: Maybe they just had an affair. It's like musical chairs in Hollywood.
Billy: He's a beefcake actor who has starred in a number of movies I haven't seen. I really can't remember how I heard of him. Maybe I saw him on a chat show.
Jules: You mean you'd hurry up if he asked you to, Jules? That's very obliging, I must say. How many wives would do that for their husband?
Mistress Maddie: He sounds like an utter polecat, Mistress! You were right to move on - it's not good for the health to be quarrelling all the time.
Pop Tart: I'll take your word for it, Ms Pop Tart. Does it ever happen on the same day?
Jimmy: Maybe they just had an affair. It's like musical chairs in Hollywood.
Billy: He's a beefcake actor who has starred in a number of movies I haven't seen. I really can't remember how I heard of him. Maybe I saw him on a chat show.
They said 'fuck' in Cosmopolitan? What's happened to that dignified publication? Right in the gutter, it seems. Do you think they ever have pregnant sex? That's not a lot of fun, either. It's like maths homework.
I tend to agree that when you're married you need to hit it any time you get the slighting inkling because it could be a long time until your next bang. If it's hate-banging, then so be it. There is rarely a time when anyone has regretted working out or banging their spouse.
He doesn't sound like the romantic type, GB - not "hate-fucking" and having to hurry up because work calls and all. Maybe I'm not missing much - being celibate. Plus, she looks pretty hot. He looks as though he's misplaced his personality.
Exile: They must have thought "hate-fuck" was less obscene than a naked "fuck". Does pregnant sex have a purpose? I heard it was good for the cervix.
Dr Ken: I thought you'd take the pragmatic position, Dr Ken. You're not one to be deflected by high-minded ideals. :)
Al: Does thinking about the game help you to finish up?
Robyn: I tend to agree, Robyn. He's all meat and no soul.
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Dr Ken: I thought you'd take the pragmatic position, Dr Ken. You're not one to be deflected by high-minded ideals. :)
Al: Does thinking about the game help you to finish up?
Robyn: I tend to agree, Robyn. He's all meat and no soul.
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