Wednesday, July 06, 2016
Conjugal strife
Channing Tatum has revealed that he and his wife don’t enjoy marital relations after having an argument. According to Cosmopolitan magazine, this is what he said:
“For lack of a better term, we don't hate-fuck each other. That's just not what we do.”
My immediate reaction to this statement was to wonder why he would deny doing something so damnably perverse. I wouldn’t want to hate-fuck my worst enemy, let alone a female I had to cohabit with on tolerably amicable terms. Is there an epidemic of hate-fucking going on in human marriages from which Tatum feels obliged to disassociate himself?
With these conundrums pattering away inside my brain, I embarked on a visit to the safari camp to ask the manager for his profound insights on the topic. On arriving, I was told he was away at the Brazzaville Nut Festival, so I requested an audience with his wife instead. When I raised the issue, she cackled like a witch throwing frogs into a cauldron:
“Oh GB, you innocent ape!” she exclaimed. “We humans must seem so peculiar to you!”
“Don’t tell me you indulge in the practice yourself!” I gasped.
“Well, let me put it this way,” she said. “When you’ve been married for a long time, you need to use whatever strong emotions you have to keep the sparks flying in bed. Some of the best sex I’ve had happened after telling my husband he was a swine and a nincompoop.”
“Was it good for him too?” I asked.
“Of course,” she replied. “He gnashed his teeth and howled like a wolf. And he was proud of the scratch marks I left on his back.”
“He must have thought they were like combat scars,” I mused. “He loves films about Roman gladiators. Maybe he fantasises about being one.”
“You could be right,” she remarked. “He’d be the one with the short stabbing sword rather than the trident and net.”
On returning to the jungle, I pondered on how common this sort of behaviour is among human mating pairs. Clearly, there are dangers involved if the man becomes too enraged and shows no mercy. Could this be why Tatum and his wife avoid the practice? He’s certainly a brawny fellow with powerful arms and thighs, but it would be idle to speculate on other matters. The bull with a meatiest carcass isn’t necessarily a longhorn.
In the same interview, Tatum indicated that abstaining from this particular type of intimacy did not stop him from enjoying a varied sex life with his wife:
“We truly have all different kinds of sex,” he explained. “Sometimes it's: Look, you've got to get this done, I've got to go to work.”
Being told to hurry up is not the most inspiring thing to hear when you’re pleasuring the missus, but I suppose every marriage has to run on a timetable. He didn’t say whether he was capable of expediting matters in the manner requested. It's easier for some men than others, I believe.
Labels: Channing Tatum, gladiators, hate-fuck, longhorn bull
Wednesday, July 01, 2015
Tatum tattle
So apparently there’s an actor called Channing Tatum. It’s a good thing I’ve seen a copy of his driver’s licence floating around the internet, because I wouldn’t have believed it otherwise. Not only is his last name puzzling and slightly comical, it’s also the first name of an actress called Tatum O’Neill, whom I once saw eating a banana in Wimbledon. If Mr Tatum started eating bananas and changed his name to “Channelling Tatum” I might take him more seriously.
What exactly is a tatum anyway? When I asked the manager of the safari camp, he told me it was a shy, beaver-like creature that inhabits the forests of Finland, noted for making peculiar puffing noises. I wasn’t such a fool to take his words at face value, because he’s just the kind of impudent trickster who would love to make a monkey out of a gorilla.
It seems that Mr Tatum has similar concerns. In a recent interview with a film magazine, he complained that fans were constantly asking him to perform for them:
“That happens every time I walk out of my house. It can get old. I'm not a monkey!”
He didn’t say what kind of performance they wanted, but I doubt it was a soliloquy from Hamlet. In the same interview, Mr Tatum revealed he was a retired stripper whose act was now reserved for his wife. I think this reflects pretty well on him. A man who takes his marriage vows seriously shouldn’t hesitate to make a monkey of himself for his wife. On the other hand, it wasn’t clear whether she wanted to watch him disrobe. It could have been pure exhibitionism on his part.
My doubts about the latter were exacerbated when I found another article about Mr Tatum which suggests he’s a proponent of nudism.
“I wish that I could make anyone at any point just happen to be naked,” he said.
“Because people get really nice when they get naked,” he added in explanation.
It’s an interesting theory, but rather too reductive for my liking. Would Genghis Khan have turned into a fluffy bunny if you’d caught him naked in the shower? I think it’s more likely that he would have thrown his bottle of shampoo at you while cursing in Mongolian. Human history is peppered with characters who behaved like utter swines when they were naked. Just think of all the Viking warriors who charged into battle wearing nothing but their stabbing accoutrements.
What Mr Tatum probably meant to say is that people were very nice to him when they were naked. This would be quite understandable. Humans foolish enough to expose themselves in front of a professional stripper would be terrified of being harshly judged. They would do their best to butter him up, so he wouldn’t look at their bodies with pity or wry amusement.
Mr Tatum seems like a good-natured fellow, but he should learn to distinguish the genuinely affable from those trying to curry favour.
Labels: Channing Tatum, nudity, stripping, Tatum O'Neill
