Wednesday, July 01, 2015

Tatum tattle

So apparently there’s an actor called Channing Tatum. It’s a good thing I’ve seen a copy of his driver’s licence floating around the internet, because I wouldn’t have believed it otherwise. Not only is his last name puzzling and slightly comical, it’s also the first name of an actress called Tatum O’Neill, whom I once saw eating a banana in Wimbledon. If Mr Tatum started eating bananas and changed his name to “Channelling Tatum” I might take him more seriously.

What exactly is a tatum anyway? When I asked the manager of the safari camp, he told me it was a shy, beaver-like creature that inhabits the forests of Finland, noted for making peculiar puffing noises. I wasn’t such a fool to take his words at face value, because he’s just the kind of impudent trickster who would love to make a monkey out of a gorilla.

It seems that Mr Tatum has similar concerns. In a recent interview with a film magazine, he complained that fans were constantly asking him to perform for them:

“That happens every time I walk out of my house. It can get old. I'm not a monkey!”

He didn’t say what kind of performance they wanted, but I doubt it was a soliloquy from Hamlet. In the same interview, Mr Tatum revealed he was a retired stripper whose act was now reserved for his wife. I think this reflects pretty well on him. A man who takes his marriage vows seriously shouldn’t hesitate to make a monkey of himself for his wife. On the other hand, it wasn’t clear whether she wanted to watch him disrobe. It could have been pure exhibitionism on his part.

My doubts about the latter were exacerbated when I found another article about Mr Tatum which suggests he’s a proponent of nudism.

“I wish that I could make anyone at any point just happen to be naked,” he said.

“Because people get really nice when they get naked,” he added in explanation.

It’s an interesting theory, but rather too reductive for my liking. Would Genghis Khan have turned into a fluffy bunny if you’d caught him naked in the shower? I think it’s more likely that he would have thrown his bottle of shampoo at you while cursing in Mongolian. Human history is peppered with characters who behaved like utter swines when they were naked. Just think of all the Viking warriors who charged into battle wearing nothing but their stabbing accoutrements.

What Mr Tatum probably meant to say is that people were very nice to him when they were naked. This would be quite understandable. Humans foolish enough to expose themselves in front of a professional stripper would be terrified of being harshly judged. They would do their best to butter him up, so he wouldn’t look at their bodies with pity or wry amusement.

Mr Tatum seems like a good-natured fellow, but he should learn to distinguish the genuinely affable from those trying to curry favour.

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I don't even know who this is!

he don't impress me much; I would NOT wanna get with him!

now colin firth...YEAH BABY YEAH!
If Tatum O'Neill married Channing Tatum, she'd be Tatum Tatum. If Oprah Winfrey married Deepak Chopra, she's be Oprah Chopra.

“I wish that I could make anyone at any point just happen to be naked.”

He wouldn't say that if he were walking around inside the Mall of America.
Channing Tatum is in both of the "21 Jump Street" movies. I know he was famous before he made them, but I can't remember what for at the moment. I get him confused with the guy who broke Miley Cyrus's heart and made her go completely bonkers.
Ahhhhhhh Channing Tatum.........oh. I'm sorry, did you say something? And if he were on my bar dancing naked right now, Anne Marie would be here making it rain, trust me!
there's a reason humans wear clothes. most human bodies are flabby and wrinkled. and let's not forget about all those rogue ultra violet rays running amok since the ozone went awol.
He wishes he could see anyone naked? Oprah? Rosie O'Donnell? Donald Trump? I haven't seen any of his performances, GB, but I wouldn't choose to even perform with him naked. He's too much of a dolt to be attractive.
So if Channing caught me with his totally nude wife and I explained it away by saying I just wanted her to "get really nice", he'd be totally fine with that? Cool.
Anne Marie: Really? I feel honoured that the first time you heard about this dude was on my blog!

Exile: Tatum Tatum! Why didn't I think of that? I don't think Channing visits malls any more, so he's probably forgotten about all the fat bellies.

Jimmy: Miley had her heart broken by Schwarzenegger's boy. Are you saying someone broke her heart before him? No wonder she's dating girls now. Not that it's an excuse for going bonkers, because Taylor Swift also had her heart broken by that Jake Gyllenhaal guy. Was he the one who broke Miley's heart too?

Mistress M: Hah, I would have guessed he was a gay fantasy! Did he perform for mixed audiences during his stripping career?

Billy: Good points, Billy. There are good reasons for humans to cover up outdoors. Indoors, they can be as butt nekkid as they like.

Robyn: He does seem like a dolt, Robyn, but didn't he star in an acclaimed movie? Maybe an actor can be a dolt and still give a good performance in the right role. Was he playing a dolt?

Steve: But how would you get totally nude with his wife? There's no point speculating about what Channing would do until you've worked out how to clear the first hurdle.
No, Gorilla. I was talking about Liam Hemsworth who was in the Hunger Games.
I think I would be very polite if I were naked in front of Channing Tatum. I once applied for a position as a Hooters girl.

Oh hon, you'd be amazed at how far a $5 bill stretched with him.
He's actually quite funny in the movie 22 Jump Street.
I'm a retired stripper, I can't make that stand up.
Which is why I need little blue pills nowadays.
I actually saw the first Magic Mike, and couldn't believe they made a sequel. A guy who wrote and starred in two stripper movies, isn't just putting on a show for his wife. Channing is a great dancer though. In case you were wondering, it's unlikely that Tatum O'Neal will ever become Tatum Tatum, since she announced that she only dates women now.

Jimmy: I saw the film, but don't remember which character Hemsworth was . It upsets me that Miley keeps on getting her heart broken by lower ranking males.

Pop tart: A Hooters girl? Were you well qualified for the position, Ms PT?

Mistress M: Haha! You could turn him if anyone could, Mistress!

Cocaine Princess : You mean he can do comedy too? The man has more talents than I gave him credit for!

Al: Don't write yourself off so easily. There are a lot of niche markets out there and many unusual fetishes.

Julie: Tatum O'Neill too?! It seems to be the new in-thing, what with Miley and the redhead from Sex in the City. I wonder how John McEnroe feels about it.
I only knew him because he was in a movie called Magic Mike where he plays a stripper. He's in a new movie called Magic Mike xxl where he plays a stripper again. He can dance for sure.
That's true. I could go after the coveted "Women With Low Standards" demographic!
mr. tatum is an excellent dancer though :p
Mary: What kind of "dancing" are we talking about, Mary? I haven't seen the show.

Al: If you say you're ex-navy, all manner of creatures will crawl out from the caves.

JJ: Is he good at the waltz or the foxtrot, Jaya?
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