Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Virtually arousing

I wonder if virtual reality porn is going to be the next big thing for humans who hanker after hi-tech gadgets. The pastime involves putting on a big fat pair of goggles and watching videos stored in the memory. Apparently, the naked women don’t stay on a screen for you to admire at a distance, but walk right up to you, pouting and jiggling their jahoobies. I dare say there are naked men too for those who prefer beefcake and sausage. The first users of this gismo have been lavish in their praise:

“We tried virtual sex for the first time and it feels like we just lost our virginity again!” they exclaimed.

This looks like an impressive endorsement, but a comment from a more reflective guinea pig indicates the illusion was less than perfect:

“The scenes feature serious visual depth and three-dimensionality. My mind told me to reach out and touch, but my invisible arms were grabbing nothing but air.”

Not being able to feel the goodies is surely a major deficiency. And you can’t taste them either, unless you’re sucking on a rubber teat flavoured with essence of booby.

Call me a suspicious ape, but I don’t trust these early reviews. How do we know they weren’t sponsored by the manufacturer? Normally, I would have asked the manager of the safari camp for his opinion, but he is currently convalescing from a vasectomy operation and in no mood for such experiments. So I phoned my old circus buddy Smacker Ramrod and asked him to give it a try.

“If I used that device at home my wife would hammer my kneecaps with a rolling pin!” he protested.

“So why not use it outside the house?” I suggested.

“You mean in the street, where people could see the stiffy in my trousers?” he asked. “That might get me arrested. And wearing those goggles would allow any old pervert to walk right up and grope me. The really scary thing is that I might enjoy it.”

I had to admit these were valid objections, so I’ll just have to wait for an impartial review from a blogger I trust. Until then I shall reserve judgment, like a justice of the higher appellate court. But that won’t stop me discussing the broader implications, like a prophet of the masonic temple.

Virtually reality porn will have its human enthusiasts, but it’s not a perfect substitute for the real thing. Nor can it be enjoyed in a public place with making the participator looked like an utter nincompoop. Anyone so foolhardy should expect to have his picture taken by on-lookers while someone held a sign above his head with the word “pillock” written on it.

Hence it would most likely become a private bedroom pursuit, done as an aid to self-stimulation. The main cause for concern is that many humans might become completely dependent on it, like the ‘orgasmatron’ in the Woody Allen movie. If you can’t get yourself off without the help of a machine, you might as well marry a robot.

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There are definite limits to artificiality. Still, it must be a kinky thrill.
" and it feels like we just lost our virginity again!” Boy, if I had a quarter for every time I said that line! Meanwhile Ape, this may be fun for some, and would most certainly give hours of fun and giggles. call me old fashioned, I like the feel and taste of the real sausage. I didn't waste all my hours spent training for some virtual do-dad.
but you can see free porn on the internet already AND you don't need those stupid heavy goggles!

@maddie: hee hee hee!
If they were selling these goggles at Game there’d be a queue from John O' Groats to Cornwall. One of these coupled with alien hand syndrome and you’ve got a masturbational masterpiece for any bloke.
God, I hope so.

(Captcha = I'm not a robot. Says who?)
Without some sort of pheremonal dispensory apperture the whole affair seems like a complete waste of time.
Pop Tart: I'm glad you are open-minded, Ms Pop Tart. How about giving it a try?

Mistress Maddie: I knew this would have little appeal to you, Mistress. You've gotten used to home-cooked sausage and anything else would be bland.

Anne Marie: Internet porn is 2D, Anne Marie. Don't you want to feel like you've lost your virginity again?

Jules: Alien hand syndrome is a difficult condition to replicate, Jules. Some say you should lie on your arm to make your hand feel numb, but that's not something the doctors recommend. Maybe wriggling about in a jelly bath would have the required effect.

Exile: Were you commenting on Jules's comment? How you would rate your chances if you had to compete for a woman with the robot in the picture?

Mosha: That's a comment most gorillas would agree with, but human males are supposed to be more visual.
Ever since watching "Lawnmower Man," it's been clear to me that virtual reality is only 2 months away from being perfected.

Seriously. For twenty years, we've been told that virtual reality stuff is right around the corner. I'm starting to put it in the same category as flying cars and jet packs.
Certainly a useful tool, but without ALL the senses involved it wouldn't be totally satisfying. Walking around with a tree in my pants might be embarrassing, because like Slacker, my wife would probably not permit it in the house.
Robot sex may lead to the end of humankind. Many humans will ask themselves, "Why bother to procreate when you can date a robot?"
Wow, what will they think of next.
@gorilla - nah, I lost my virginity when I was 23, felt nothing, don't wanna do it again. these days, masturbation is where it's at! :-)
I agree with Anne Marie. Then again, that robot looks attractive. I'm guessing he has a fully functioning robotic sausage too. Excuse me while I kick that sleazy woman off the bed. It's my turn!
does the headset come with any other equipment, like some sort of enhanced and forever young genitalia?

if not i'll keep saving up for the robot.
I'm sorry but when it comes to sex there's nothing like the real thing!!
Nasreen: Yes, there's been a lot of hype about it. Until they can reproduce the holodeck on 'Star Trek Next Generation' they should shut their big fat mouths.

Jono: That's too bad, but unlike most people you have a barn to try it out in. I'd be interested in reading your review. :)

Jimmy: Don't you think some people will want to have human-robot half-breeds? Do you remember the Borg Queen - she even gave Data a boner!

Mary: We can only guess, Mary. Don't you think it should be reviewed by a blogger?

Anne Marie: You really felt nothing? I don't think the guy who deflowered you did it right! ;) I may have asked this before, but do you like toys?

Robyn: He is a hunky robot, Robyn! He must be a bit heavy though, so you may have to use a 'cowgirl' position.

Billy: I don't think it does, Billy. I think they expect you to use a watermelon or something.

Cocaine Princess: Wise words, Miss Princess! You seem to be in the mood for it, judging from your blog. ;)
I prefer the solo method for sexual satisfaction, always have. Thus this would be an interesting diversion but the thought of wearing the goggles is frankly a turn off.
I'd really like to try one of these. Purely out of scientific curiosity, mind you.
As far as you know.
Mr Beard: Well, the technology is clearly doomed if doesn't appeal to solo artists such as yourself. We'll just have to wait for the holodeck.

Al: I'm all in favour of scientific research, but who would be taking the measurements?
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