Wednesday, March 30, 2016
Pro bono work
No words of praise are high enough for Ms Charlotte Rose, the English call girl who gave a man with a prosthetic penis his first sexual experience. The beneficiary of her magnanimous gesture was Mr Mo Abad, a 44-year-old security guard who tragically lost his appendage in a childhood accident. After years of frustration and a failed marriage, he finally received an 8-inch replacement made from skin grafts and inflatable tubes. Ms Rose generously waived her hourly fee of 160 pounds sterling for the honour of hosting its inaugural launch.
As well as providing her services gratis, she spent a few days counselling Mr Abad before getting down to business. Far from making him impatient, he greatly appreciated her advice:
"I’m a learner – I’ve got L-plates,” he explained. “I didn’t want to go in all guns blazing and make an idiot of myself.”
When the big moment arrived, the mission got off to a tentative start:
“When Charlotte saw it for the first time, she was silent and I was a bit worried,” recalled Mr Abad.
Yet these early doubts proved to be unfounded, and the mission ended with the flag firmly planted in the lunar surface:
“After it was over, I lay there with a big smile on my face,” said Mr Abad.
Now, the bionic penis is powered by compressed air. The surgeons inserted an ingenious “boner button” in Mr Abad’s nut-sack, which activates a pump that makes the organ expand to its full length. What isn’t clear is how is how it returns to its flaccid condition after use. Allowing it to deflate like a punctured tyre would be one possibility, but then it would make a noise like a hissing snake, which many women would find unnerving in a post-coital situation.
In an ideal world, one would interview Ms Rose and cajole her to spill the beans. However, a video of a recent lecture she gave shows her to be a social reformer and political activist. This is not the kind of woman who would allow herself to be interrogated without due process.
When I related this story to the manager of the safari camp, Ms Rose’s benevolence made little impression on him:
“What’s the point having a superdick if you can’t feel a thing?” he asked. “He should have charged her for the pleasure it gave her and the publicity she got. She must be the first woman in history who won fame for getting fucked by a dildo.”
“Clearly, there are men for whom the blessings of sexual congress are not limited to the sensations they feel in their todgers,” I replied. “And you should show more respect for Ms Rose, who had no way of predicting how her body would react to that pumped-up phallus. Why don’t you watch her video to get a more rounded picture of the woman?”
“Pshaw!” scoffed the manager. “I’d rather watch a hippo fart.”
“Yes, I can see why you’d find that more illuminating,” I replied.
Labels: call girls, prosthetic penis, snakes, todger
Comments:
I guess. I mean, why stop there?
This catches on, it's going to turn into the American breast industry all over again.
What's the fake male equipment equivalent of HHH breasts?
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I'm glad he had a successful launch and I hope it was pleasurable for him. Good for Charlotte Rose, the call girl with a heart of gold.
What a lovely mid week story. And just goes to show given the chance, he didn't pick a whopper of a wand. A nice 8" is good to get most jobs done. I know, I've been doing pro bono work for years now.
I guess. I mean, why stop there?
This catches on, it's going to turn into the American breast industry all over again.
What's the fake male equipment equivalent of HHH breasts?
For Mr. Mo's sake, I hope this robotic weiner is not prone to malfunctioning. How sad would it be if he ended up in jail for accidentally boinking someone in a subway or a bus terminal.
Pro bono is much better than Sonny Bono work, I suppose.
After sex, you run into a tree.
Ooh, too soon?
After sex, you run into a tree.
Ooh, too soon?
Ms Pop Tart: I hope it was pleasurable for both of them, Ms Pop Tart. :)
Mistress Maddie: 8 inches is no mean wand, Mistress! Have you encountered many bigger than that?!
Nasreen: I don't know what it would be called, but I suspect it would be too much of a good thing for most women. She elephants are a different matter.
Jono: You mean she's slept with you too? My word, she does get around!
Jimmy: Well, if he ended up in jail the other prisoners might keep their distance. Disabling the boner button would be a possible solution.
Al: Ah yes, I remember Sonny Bono! Why ever did Cher leave that suave and dignified man? Wasn't he a Republican politician too? Maybe he would have beaten Trump if he had survived.
Mistress Maddie: 8 inches is no mean wand, Mistress! Have you encountered many bigger than that?!
Nasreen: I don't know what it would be called, but I suspect it would be too much of a good thing for most women. She elephants are a different matter.
Jono: You mean she's slept with you too? My word, she does get around!
Jimmy: Well, if he ended up in jail the other prisoners might keep their distance. Disabling the boner button would be a possible solution.
Al: Ah yes, I remember Sonny Bono! Why ever did Cher leave that suave and dignified man? Wasn't he a Republican politician too? Maybe he would have beaten Trump if he had survived.
I don't understand the concerns about deflation. Haven't they heard of pins? One small prick.... etc etc
the safari camp manager makes an excellent point. i think the there's more work to do on the bionic penis.
Fascinating. What a joyous culmination for this man who has finally been able to undertake an act which has eluded him for his entire reproductive life. A heart-warming story.
all those explaining and yet i cannot imagine how it works, GB. i also cannot imagine the physical pain he was in during the accident that robbed him of his fun organ.
Once Sonny died, Cher had to change the song to, "I Got Me, Babe."
Poor taste. Sometimes, it's what I do.
Poor taste. Sometimes, it's what I do.
Mrs Table: You can't go putting holes in custom-made willies, Mrs Table! That's precision equipment you're talking about!
Mr Rosewater: Connecting it to the nervous system would be a major challenge.
Mary: Some men might need them more than others, Mary!
Mosha: Yes, indeed! Now nice to see someone's expectations fulfilled.
JJ: The accident happened when he was a small boy, Jaya. We should admire his ability to put it behind him.
Al: But she didn't wait for him to die to become a solo artist. I don't think it would have been possible without plenty of backstage assistance.
Mr Rosewater: Connecting it to the nervous system would be a major challenge.
Mary: Some men might need them more than others, Mary!
Mosha: Yes, indeed! Now nice to see someone's expectations fulfilled.
JJ: The accident happened when he was a small boy, Jaya. We should admire his ability to put it behind him.
Al: But she didn't wait for him to die to become a solo artist. I don't think it would have been possible without plenty of backstage assistance.
Dear, I was with a guy once with a whopper. I didn't know if I should stoke it, or feed it a peanut.
Mistress Maddie: What a colourful life you lead, Mistress! I hope you managed to prevent the monster from invading your burrow!
Jules: She did her country proud, Jules. I hope she gets invited to the Queen's next garden party.
Jules: She did her country proud, Jules. I hope she gets invited to the Queen's next garden party.
I don't mind the hissing of my inflatable after I'm finished with it. The sound cues me it's time to drift off to sleep.
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