Wednesday, March 30, 2016
Pro bono work
No words of praise are high enough for Ms Charlotte Rose, the English call girl who gave a man with a prosthetic penis his first sexual experience. The beneficiary of her magnanimous gesture was Mr Mo Abad, a 44-year-old security guard who tragically lost his appendage in a childhood accident. After years of frustration and a failed marriage, he finally received an 8-inch replacement made from skin grafts and inflatable tubes. Ms Rose generously waived her hourly fee of 160 pounds sterling for the honour of hosting its inaugural launch.
As well as providing her services gratis, she spent a few days counselling Mr Abad before getting down to business. Far from making him impatient, he greatly appreciated her advice:
"I’m a learner – I’ve got L-plates,” he explained. “I didn’t want to go in all guns blazing and make an idiot of myself.”
When the big moment arrived, the mission got off to a tentative start:
“When Charlotte saw it for the first time, she was silent and I was a bit worried,” recalled Mr Abad.
Yet these early doubts proved to be unfounded, and the mission ended with the flag firmly planted in the lunar surface:
“After it was over, I lay there with a big smile on my face,” said Mr Abad.
Now, the bionic penis is powered by compressed air. The surgeons inserted an ingenious “boner button” in Mr Abad’s nut-sack, which activates a pump that makes the organ expand to its full length. What isn’t clear is how is how it returns to its flaccid condition after use. Allowing it to deflate like a punctured tyre would be one possibility, but then it would make a noise like a hissing snake, which many women would find unnerving in a post-coital situation.
In an ideal world, one would interview Ms Rose and cajole her to spill the beans. However, a video of a recent lecture she gave shows her to be a social reformer and political activist. This is not the kind of woman who would allow herself to be interrogated without due process.
When I related this story to the manager of the safari camp, Ms Rose’s benevolence made little impression on him:
“What’s the point having a superdick if you can’t feel a thing?” he asked. “He should have charged her for the pleasure it gave her and the publicity she got. She must be the first woman in history who won fame for getting fucked by a dildo.”
“Clearly, there are men for whom the blessings of sexual congress are not limited to the sensations they feel in their todgers,” I replied. “And you should show more respect for Ms Rose, who had no way of predicting how her body would react to that pumped-up phallus. Why don’t you watch her video to get a more rounded picture of the woman?”
“Pshaw!” scoffed the manager. “I’d rather watch a hippo fart.”
“Yes, I can see why you’d find that more illuminating,” I replied.
Labels: call girls, prosthetic penis, snakes, todger
