Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Cosmic couplings

News arrives of a coven of nubile young women who claim to have mated with aliens. How I would love to believe they are telling the truth. As a proud Earth gorilla, it thrills me that an advanced extra-terrestrial race would want to breed with our native fauna. The chosen ladies are certainly fine specimens with lissom figures and promising careers in the private sector. Your high-flying, planet-hopping alien isn’t going to point his antennae at the first frumpy wench who crosses his path.

The good news for Earth women who might be apprehensive about sharing their bed with a creature from the Horsehead Nebula is that the aliens are fantastic lovers:

“It was an incredible super primal, super raw, super primal sexual experience,” said Bridget Nielsen, a former marketing executive. “There was a real freedom and we were really going for it. It was the best sex I ever had.”

As well as being super-primal with the ladies, the aliens have no inhibitions about voyeurs:

“All of sudden I'm sat next to this green reptilian creature and immediately I'm so sexually turned on looking at this being,” explained Aluna Verse, a video game designer. “I was very surprised. We're making love in this classroom in front of everyone.”

I wonder how these inter-stellar studs got to be so good at pleasuring Earth females. Is it possible they’ve been visiting our planet for the last 10,000 years, mating with women in every haystack, cave and castle? Even a green reptilian creature could be a demon in the sack after centuries of practice with the horniest hoochies of human history. And they could learn all the latest tricks from porn videos.

Apparently, these intimate encounters have produced broods of happy half-breeds. You might think a philandering alien would make a beeline for Alpha Centauri after knocking up his Earth mistress, but the pregnancies are part of their master plan:

“They are creating a hybrid race to better humanity,” explained Ms Nielsen.

Sadly, the children have chosen to live on spaceships with their doting fathers. However they do occasionally visit Earth for family reunions. As it is against the rules to photograph them, their mothers have sketched portraits of their offspring for us to admire. And what handsome little creatures they are! Leonard Nimoy himself could not have wished for more adorable children.

When I told the manager of the safari camp about the Hybrid Baby Community, he snorted like a wildebeest swatting a fly with its tail:

“To call this a hoax would be an insult to hoaxes,” he scoffed. “These women must be kinky escorts trying to drum up publicity for their services.”

“You’re always such a party-pooper,” I said. “Why not offer them a free safari holiday if they will provide proof of their claims?”

“And what if the proof turns out to be false?” he asked.

“In that case I will give them a damned good spanking,” I replied. “Women should know what to expect if they tell huge whoppers to a gorilla.”

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mating with my own species is bad enough without aliens or zombies mixed in.
I have the feeling these women aren't playing with full decks. But lets just say aliens,are real, nice to see someone wants to better humanity.
They must have had lousy date experiences to drive those fantasies.
How are we mere earthlings supposed to measure up to alien sex?! Thanks for nothing, extraterrestrial assholes! Didn't any of them orgasm too soon or leave their partner unsatisfied? What about the wet spot? Who had to sleep on that?
Good lord. What are these birds drinking? Can I have one.

Having said that, I’m happy to go in as an undercover reporter and see what happens.

Thing is, I’ve been mating with reprobates and aliens for years. No good has ever come of it.

In classrooms? Classrooms of whom? Does it turn into an orgy? And what of these vouyers? Do they not remember afterward? And about these hybrid babies that are to improve the human race...when do we get them back? Will they make good, sensible and electable politicians? These aliens do know we have an election soon don't they?
Anne Marie: Don't talk until you've tried it! ;)

Mistress Maddie: I've always believed that aliens capable of visiting Earth must be benevolent. An advanced technological civilisation won't survive unless it has high moral standards.

Ms Pop Tart: Yes, sadly a lot of men aren't very super-primal, according to my reliable sources. :)

Exile: There's never a wet spot with aliens - they have skin like blotting paper. And they don't orgasm until their partner has come at least seven times.

Jules: You'd be a brilliant undercover agent, Jules, although I would guess the aliens don't like doing it under the covers. Do you know how to fake an orgasm? :)

Fearsome Beard: Very good questions, Mr Beard, I thought her story was full of holes, so to speak. I suppose we'll have to wait for the hybrids to grow up before we can benefit from their awesomeness. As for the voyeurs, the proverbial cat has got their tongues.
I suppose beggars can't be choosers, GB. Bring it on, Martians! But stay away, aliens from Uranus! I'm not that kind of humanoid.
If these hoaxsters had any sense they would have borrowed from some of the wacky philosophies of David Icke (whom I am pretty sure you are aware of). Then they really would be pulling in some big bucks with such fanciful stories!
Yes, and I can do it better than a Swedish porn star.

Close encounters of the third kind?
Re: Your response. Thanks for the terrible news. I'll bet their spooge tastes like birthday cake, too.
I think she's been watching too much X files.
I wonder what the purpose was of them having sex in a classroom?

And I might I say-- those are some pretty good sketches.

Hmm, I have a feeling they have been smoking a little something....
Robyn: Haha, Robyn! I'm sure even aliens from Uranus know there are things a nice Jewish girl would never do!

Jimmy They would lose whatever respect they had earned by associating with a fruitcake like David Icke, Jimmy. I'm surprised you have even heard of that madman. Are you sure they are hoaxing us, BTW?

Jules: You should make a demo tape, Jules. We'd only need the audio. ;)

Nota Bene: Well beyond third, I would say. Fifth or sixth, possibly.

Exile: More like lemon yoghurt dressing, I would guess.

Mary: I wish I had watched more of the X-Files if this was the kind of story featured in it!

Cocaine Princess: Good question, Miss Princess. I think it was the alien's place of choosing rather than hers. Maybe he didn't realise it was a classroom. An alien might easily mistake a classroom for a brothel.
Sounds legit.
X Files...Uranus...all the snappy comebacks are taken.
But, I have to wonder, have the aliens ever reported on the characteristics of a black hole? If so, Oprah isn't talking.
Why have they never asked me to get involved? Why?
Nasreen: You find them credible? I'm glad, it reflects well on you.

Al: The problem with black holes is that they suck you in without letting you out again. Feel free to draw analogies.

Jono: I assume you are talking about the women rather than the aliens. You might have more luck if you got a flying saucer and offered to take them for a spin.
This is unfortunate news for us mere mortals. How are we supposed to compare? The cramped back seat of Renault Clio 1.2 Grande is no match for the palatial surroundings of an orbiting UFO. Even with the sunroof open.
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