Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Cosmic couplings
News arrives of a coven of nubile young women who claim to have mated with aliens. How I would love to believe they are telling the truth. As a proud Earth gorilla, it thrills me that an advanced extra-terrestrial race would want to breed with our native fauna. The chosen ladies are certainly fine specimens with lissom figures and promising careers in the private sector. Your high-flying, planet-hopping alien isn’t going to point his antennae at the first frumpy wench who crosses his path.
The good news for Earth women who might be apprehensive about sharing their bed with a creature from the Horsehead Nebula is that the aliens are fantastic lovers:
“It was an incredible super primal, super raw, super primal sexual experience,” said Bridget Nielsen, a former marketing executive. “There was a real freedom and we were really going for it. It was the best sex I ever had.”
As well as being super-primal with the ladies, the aliens have no inhibitions about voyeurs:
“All of sudden I'm sat next to this green reptilian creature and immediately I'm so sexually turned on looking at this being,” explained Aluna Verse, a video game designer. “I was very surprised. We're making love in this classroom in front of everyone.”
I wonder how these inter-stellar studs got to be so good at pleasuring Earth females. Is it possible they’ve been visiting our planet for the last 10,000 years, mating with women in every haystack, cave and castle? Even a green reptilian creature could be a demon in the sack after centuries of practice with the horniest hoochies of human history. And they could learn all the latest tricks from porn videos.
Apparently, these intimate encounters have produced broods of happy half-breeds. You might think a philandering alien would make a beeline for Alpha Centauri after knocking up his Earth mistress, but the pregnancies are part of their master plan:
“They are creating a hybrid race to better humanity,” explained Ms Nielsen.
Sadly, the children have chosen to live on spaceships with their doting fathers. However they do occasionally visit Earth for family reunions. As it is against the rules to photograph them, their mothers have sketched portraits of their offspring for us to admire. And what handsome little creatures they are! Leonard Nimoy himself could not have wished for more adorable children.
When I told the manager of the safari camp about the Hybrid Baby Community, he snorted like a wildebeest swatting a fly with its tail:
“To call this a hoax would be an insult to hoaxes,” he scoffed. “These women must be kinky escorts trying to drum up publicity for their services.”
“You’re always such a party-pooper,” I said. “Why not offer them a free safari holiday if they will provide proof of their claims?”
“And what if the proof turns out to be false?” he asked.
“In that case I will give them a damned good spanking,” I replied. “Women should know what to expect if they tell huge whoppers to a gorilla.”
Labels: aliens, hybrid babies, spanking, super-primal sex
