Wednesday, December 09, 2015

Caught in the act

I have a huge amount of sympathy for the Cornish woman who installed a CCTV system to monitor her garden after she saw a man masturbating there.

“It was shock horror – just disgraceful!” said 38-year-old Devika Devereux. “My jaw was hanging wide open and I could not believe what I was witnessing!”

As if that wasn’t bad enough, the police then instructed her to remove the camera because it was violating the man’s privacy! I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t reading the script of a Monty Python comedy sketch.

I hope Ms Devereux sues the police for adding insult to her injury by implying that she had installed the device for voyeuristic purposes. Never in my life have I heard of a woman who derives any pleasure from watching a man play with his private parts. That doesn’t mean such women don’t exist, but they are surely few in number, living on the margins of society in fear of their vice being discovered. Of course, there is no lack of men who love to watch women toying with themselves, but that’s a completely different scenario. No one in his right mind would compare horsemeat to finger-licking chicken.

The identity of the man who groped himself in the garden is yet to be discovered. The police, it seems, have better things to do than apprehend the culprit responsible for the whole imbroglio. Why he should have wished to spill his seed on Ms Devereux’s perfectly mown lawn remains a mystery. Given that the police have no interest in carrying out an investigation, I would advise Ms Devereux to check her garden gnomes for signs of physical or emotional abuse. It might also be an idea to interview any local cats that were lurking in the vicinity. Our feline friends have excellent night vision and would certainly be spooked by the sight of a strange man wrestling with his todger.

I came across a fair amount of self-abuse when I was in the circus. Most of it was done by the dwarves, who seemed to be sexually frustrated to an unusual degree. I soon learned to ignore the ferocious panting of these surly manikins, to say nothing of the evil manic laughter they emitted on arriving at the consummation of their exertions. However, on one occasion I was forced to intervene when a particularly odious dwarf was thrusting against the smooth polished exterior of my trailer. I grunted to attract his attention and threw a J-cloth and aerosol spray in his direction.

“Make sure you clean up after you’ve finished,” I barked. “I don’t want your toxic secretions corroding the surface of my dwelling.”

The dwarf scowled and gnashed his teeth, but I knew he would not dare to disobey me.

If I lived in Cornwall, I would certainly lend Ms Devereux a hand in dealing with the villainous onanist who trespassed on her property. But as I live in the Congo, I can only offer her my moral support.

Labels: , , , ,

eeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww! GROSS!
I just don't get it. If he was on her property, how was she violating his privacy. the way I see it, he was trespassing. had that been me in her case and I saw that, My jaw would just drop open........
was it her garden or a communal garden where the randy bugger was pleasuring himself?

would she be allowed to film terrorists in the communal garden?
It's not just dwarves who can be sexually frustrated to an unusual degree. Straight, white middle-aged white men can inhibit that space, too. Don't ask me how I know. Just take my word for it.
I will just ignore your needless politically incorrect attack on "dwarves"... I understand your cousins the bonobos have similar sexual issues, but I won't even go there. If the perverted prowler gets off on exhibitionism, placing a camera there probably will not deter him... she should try spraying him with a garden hose next time.
OK , so she can't have a camera but nobody's stopping her getting a catapult or cross bow.
Anne-Marie: Is it something you've seen yourself, Anne Marie? You sound a bit squeamish. :)

Mistress: As Mr Bumble said, "the law is an ass". Would you have been as bothered by it, Mistress? Surely you're less shockable than Ms Devereux.

Billy: Ah, yes, it was a communal garden. I think you've discovered the legal loophole he exploited.

Exile: You've changed your tune from the post before the last one! I thought you were like a camel that could abstain for weeks!

Jimmy: I wasn't attacking dwarves, Jimmy, just describing them like a naturalist might describe bonobos. Spraying him with a garden hose would require a potentially dangerous sortie into the garden. I hope it's a task you would offer to carry out if you were her neighbour.

Jules: Good idea, Jules, but she might need night vision goggles as well. Should she aim for the kneecap or something higher?
They told her to remove the camera? What kind on nonsense is that.
Self abuse?
To quote Woody Allen, "It's sex with someone I love."
Of course, the fact that I'm quoting THAT old pervert may indicate I have issues.
Okay, off to look for a garden...
And straight women so short they've been called a dwarf can also be extremely sexually frustrated. Still, I don't contribute to anyone's garden in that disturbing way.
Looks like I'm off to the security store. I'm buying myself some cameras. You mean to tell me I've been missing out on free porn?
Maybe the gnomes turn him on? Whatever the case can we say EWWWWWWWW!
This is just typical of this ridiculous state. I don't particularly care for Daily Mail-type articles of this sort 'political correctness gone mad' but in this case... it is political correctness gone mad. Perhaps she could coat her grass with that paint that is used to splash pee back onto the pee-er?

Mary: The kind of nonsense that makes baboons of all of us, Mary.

Al: A man is entitled to his hobbies, but fouling the grass is a sin for both dogs and men. Take a tarpaulin sheet with you.

Robyn: Of course you're not a dwarf, Robyn. You just have sexy thoughts, which you're always welcome to share with us. ;)

Fearsome Beard: Hello and welcome, Mr Beard! I suggest you find a good 'dogging' site before buying those cameras. These garden events are quite rare.

Cocaine Princess: That's an impressive scream, Miss Princess! Is that the noise you make when you see a mouse in the kitchen?

Mermaid: I've never heard of such paint, Mermaid. It sounds quite miraculous, although I'm sure you realise that urine is rather less viscous than the other stuff.
Mr Onanastic, CC Telly fantastic.
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Follow my blog with Bloglovin