Wednesday, December 09, 2015
Caught in the act
I have a huge amount of sympathy for the Cornish woman who installed a CCTV system to monitor her garden after she saw a man masturbating there.
“It was shock horror – just disgraceful!” said 38-year-old Devika Devereux. “My jaw was hanging wide open and I could not believe what I was witnessing!”
As if that wasn’t bad enough, the police then instructed her to remove the camera because it was violating the man’s privacy! I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t reading the script of a Monty Python comedy sketch.
I hope Ms Devereux sues the police for adding insult to her injury by implying that she had installed the device for voyeuristic purposes. Never in my life have I heard of a woman who derives any pleasure from watching a man play with his private parts. That doesn’t mean such women don’t exist, but they are surely few in number, living on the margins of society in fear of their vice being discovered. Of course, there is no lack of men who love to watch women toying with themselves, but that’s a completely different scenario. No one in his right mind would compare horsemeat to finger-licking chicken.
The identity of the man who groped himself in the garden is yet to be discovered. The police, it seems, have better things to do than apprehend the culprit responsible for the whole imbroglio. Why he should have wished to spill his seed on Ms Devereux’s perfectly mown lawn remains a mystery. Given that the police have no interest in carrying out an investigation, I would advise Ms Devereux to check her garden gnomes for signs of physical or emotional abuse. It might also be an idea to interview any local cats that were lurking in the vicinity. Our feline friends have excellent night vision and would certainly be spooked by the sight of a strange man wrestling with his todger.
I came across a fair amount of self-abuse when I was in the circus. Most of it was done by the dwarves, who seemed to be sexually frustrated to an unusual degree. I soon learned to ignore the ferocious panting of these surly manikins, to say nothing of the evil manic laughter they emitted on arriving at the consummation of their exertions. However, on one occasion I was forced to intervene when a particularly odious dwarf was thrusting against the smooth polished exterior of my trailer. I grunted to attract his attention and threw a J-cloth and aerosol spray in his direction.
“Make sure you clean up after you’ve finished,” I barked. “I don’t want your toxic secretions corroding the surface of my dwelling.”
The dwarf scowled and gnashed his teeth, but I knew he would not dare to disobey me.
If I lived in Cornwall, I would certainly lend Ms Devereux a hand in dealing with the villainous onanist who trespassed on her property. But as I live in the Congo, I can only offer her my moral support.
Labels: CCTV, Dwarves, indecent exposure, masturbation, police
