Wednesday, November 11, 2015


I overheard some tourists on safari discussing the new James Bond movie.

“Have you seen it?” they asked me.

“Not yet,” I replied.

“We better stop talking about it so we don’t spoil it for you.”

“How very considerate of you,” I said. “But when it finally appears in the Congo I will have forgotten everything you say, so don’t hold your tongues on my account.”

The manager of the safari camp, who lacks the patience of a gorilla, will shortly be visiting London with his wife so he can watch it at a West End cinema. I have advised him to take his cattle prod with him.

The question on the lips of every Bond buff is whether Daniel Craig has completed his stint in the role. The producer, Ms Broccoli, has muddied the waters by claiming she wants to hang on to him for as long as possible. This is just luvvie talk. Speaking as Danny’s confidante and mentor, I know for a fact that his 007 days are over. Time is the pitiless eroder of all flesh, and Danny is far too sensitive about his appearance to risk another Bond love scene.

“What am I going to do about my moobs?” he asked me the last time we spoke on the phone.

“Cover them up, Danny,” I answered. “If the sweatshirt doesn’t work, try the male brassiere.”

There’s been a lot of idle speculation about who the next Bond will be, with some suggesting he should be gay or black. The most radical idea of all is to make him a woman. And by “woman”, I mean a human born with two X chromosomes rather than a man who’s had his dangly bits cut off. The idea sounds ludicrous on the face of it, but many great advances in art were ridiculed and belittled when they first appeared. Think of the Spaghetti Western, the garden gnome and the merkin.

My own view is that a female Bond might just work, but she would have to be a lesbian. And not just your typical slick-tongued harridan with hairy armpits, but a dyke so delicious that even heterosexual women would find her irresistible. You can’t have a Bond film without dolly birds being seduced, with or without the assistance of a strap-on.

A shortlist of actresses to play Jessica Bond is available in this website, but none of the candidates looks spunky enough to me. They’re all too girly to pistol-whip the bad guys and remove the panties of the bad girls with their teeth.

I would give the part to Amanda Donohoe, the English actress who performed the first lesbian kiss for a prime-time American audience in L.A. Law. Amanda is not a lesbian in real life, but nor is she the kind of lady who lies on her back and waits for the man to do his thing. If she got the part, we’d quickly forget the days that 007 was packing anything more than a Walther PKK in his trousers.

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Scarlett Johansson works for me.

A female James Bond would rock!

ah, if only helen mirren was 40 years younger she'd make a fabulous bond.

an android like six of tripping the rift could certainly liven things up.
Yes, I do believe your right. This probably will be,Daniels last one. I have already offered my place as a recuperation nest for him to stay. * tubs hands together evilly * I also agree with Pop Tart....Scarlet would be lovely. I love her in the movie Lucy.
Haven't there been enough James Bond movies? Perhaps it is time to retire not only Daniel Craig but the character all together so he and his moobs can rest in peace.
I think it should be Maggie Smith, myself.

I've never liked the James Bond movies. But I have watched some of the movies where Sean Connery was Bond because he's sexy and that accent is sexy.
Ms Pop Tart: She's certainly attractive enough, but where's the killer instinct? I'm not sure she could make a good fist of it.

Billy: Yes, Helen Mirren would have been lethal, with or without a weapon in hand.

Mistress Maddie: I'm sure you'd take great care of Daniel, Mistress. He'd feel like a new man afterwards. :)

Jimmy: Too many people want to keep Bond alive, Jimmy. Do you think he could be an illuminatus?

Jules: We'd never find a credible stunt double, Jules. Maybe Maggie could play a villain stroking a cat.

Mary: If Connery was the sexiest, he was also the most sexist, off and on the screen. Would you enjoy the films more with a female Bond, Mary?

I doubt it, Gorilla. But Luke Skywalker might be.
Craig is finished. All he talks about in the interviews out here is how sick of the whole thing he is. Boo hoo. Poor Daniel. He should take a heaping dose of obscurity and call me in the morning.
A female Bond type would be pretty interesting. But, I really hope they don't try to pass her off as another James Bond. Give her a 007 rating and say Bond is retired (or whatever) and people will go see it. If not, Bond movies are done.
Totally watching it in the near future. :)
Amanda looks good. But I vote for Fit Studs above. I'd watch that movie over and over and over again.
Jimmy: Well he never got to kiss the princess, so he needed something else in his life.

Exile: He can afford to be obscure now. Maybe he's looking forward to a retirement where he just works 3 months a year.

Al: Very true, she'd look silly with a first name like 'James'. But what about the Bond girls? Would they still have a role?

Fit studs: I hope I've whetted your appetite, Mr Studs!

Robyn: I hope you didn't click on his name and visit his website, Robyn. That would have been very naughty!
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