Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Spectre
I overheard some tourists on safari discussing the new James Bond movie.
“Have you seen it?” they asked me.
“Not yet,” I replied.
“We better stop talking about it so we don’t spoil it for you.”
“How very considerate of you,” I said. “But when it finally appears in the Congo I will have forgotten everything you say, so don’t hold your tongues on my account.”
The manager of the safari camp, who lacks the patience of a gorilla, will shortly be visiting London with his wife so he can watch it at a West End cinema. I have advised him to take his cattle prod with him.
The question on the lips of every Bond buff is whether Daniel Craig has completed his stint in the role. The producer, Ms Broccoli, has muddied the waters by claiming she wants to hang on to him for as long as possible. This is just luvvie talk. Speaking as Danny’s confidante and mentor, I know for a fact that his 007 days are over. Time is the pitiless eroder of all flesh, and Danny is far too sensitive about his appearance to risk another Bond love scene.
“What am I going to do about my moobs?” he asked me the last time we spoke on the phone.
“Cover them up, Danny,” I answered. “If the sweatshirt doesn’t work, try the male brassiere.”
There’s been a lot of idle speculation about who the next Bond will be, with some suggesting he should be gay or black. The most radical idea of all is to make him a woman. And by “woman”, I mean a human born with two X chromosomes rather than a man who’s had his dangly bits cut off. The idea sounds ludicrous on the face of it, but many great advances in art were ridiculed and belittled when they first appeared. Think of the Spaghetti Western, the garden gnome and the merkin.
My own view is that a female Bond might just work, but she would have to be a lesbian. And not just your typical slick-tongued harridan with hairy armpits, but a dyke so delicious that even heterosexual women would find her irresistible. You can’t have a Bond film without dolly birds being seduced, with or without the assistance of a strap-on.
A shortlist of actresses to play Jessica Bond is available in this website, but none of the candidates looks spunky enough to me. They’re all too girly to pistol-whip the bad guys and remove the panties of the bad girls with their teeth.
I would give the part to Amanda Donohoe, the English actress who performed the first lesbian kiss for a prime-time American audience in L.A. Law. Amanda is not a lesbian in real life, but nor is she the kind of lady who lies on her back and waits for the man to do his thing. If she got the part, we’d quickly forget the days that 007 was packing anything more than a Walther PKK in his trousers.
Labels: Amanda Donohoe, Daniel Craig, James Bond, lesbian
