Wednesday, November 04, 2015

Million dollar dick

I got an email from a cheeky fool asking me whether I owned shares in the sex-toy company that offered Justin Bieber a million dollars for the right to replicate his penis.

“You cheeky fool!” I wrote in reply. “I have invested a small portion of my capital in a respectable manufacturer of adult leisure products that would never dream of acquiring the copyright to Bieber’s appendage. Mind your own business.”

The silly idea of making an effigy of Bieber’s willy arose after nude photographs of him were taken when he was on vacation. Bieber claims the pictures were taken without his consent, causing him to feel super violated when they surfaced on the internet. This may be so, but wasn’t he aware that the paparazzi would be lurking in the popular holiday resort where he chose to prance around butt naked?

My ape intuition informs me that this narcissistic young man subconsciously wants people to admire his penis. If so, he is likely to be disappointed. Although I have not scrutinised the pictures myself, and would spare myself the indignity of doing so, I found a number of comments about the organ in question on a popular website. Here is a selection of them:

“I thought his penis was actually a bit uglier than usual, with what appeared to be a hack-job of a circumcision.”

“I thought it was one of those pig ear rawhide chews. Ever see what a lab does to that?”

“My vagina just shrivelled up, fell off and blew away like a tumbleweed.”

Call me a sceptical ape, but I don’t believe Bieber’s phallus has any commercial value. Who really wants a replica of that thing? It’s not the sort of artefact you can put on the mantelpiece for your guests to admire. The demented groupies who might acquire one for personal use would find the experience less than fulfilling. The standard-issue dildo is a computer-modelled product, precisely shaped for maximum comfort and efficiency. Bieber’s bumpy little sausage would not give comparable service and the novelty would soon wear off.

If you ask me, the million dollar offer is a publicity stunt instigated by a small fry in the sex-toy industry to advertise its brand name. Why else would they have made their offer public instead of discreetly asking Bieber to stick his dick in a carton of resin, something he might have done for free to prove what a badass stud he was? They don’t have the dough and wouldn’t part with it if they did.

My observation of human society leads me to believe that when anyone offers a million dollars for anything it’s probably a hoax. The figure is too round for a real business deal and is obviously chosen to impress the impoverished masses. I personally wouldn’t accept a million dollars to do anything more onerous than peel a bunch of bananas. If anyone wants me to climb the Empire State Building, my price is $3.68 million plus expenses. 

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"Who really wants a replica of that thing?" - RAMEN, bro!

bieber's dick reminds me of my ex-husband's member - two words, UGG LEE!
" sex-toy company that offered Justin Bieber a million dollars for the right to replicate his penis!!!!" That's just crazy. And who'd pay the price for that dildo, when all one needs to do is stick their pinky up there ass.
Also thank you for clarifying he is a he with a dick. All this time I thought he was a lesbian.
I lived 26 years without having seen his Wonder of the World. I've done nicely.
Are people running out of business ideas or something? Why the hell would anybody by a replica of this precious little diva's penis when you can get an all singing rampant rabbit?

What would they call it? The just- in joystick? Maybe it could sing to you at the same time and really put you off orgasms for life.
If you're famous, don't take your clothes off. Ever. You're just asking for unwanted attention. Go to the beach in an EPA contamination suit. Problem solved.
this timing is right. it'll make a great stocking stuffer for xmas.
The pictures of Justin's privates were obviously orchestrated to get publicity for his latest assortment of musical crap. What a joke that this mildly talented Oompa Loompa is portrayed by the corporate media as the #1 pop star of the world.
Anne-Marie>: Haha, so you peeked at the pictures! Are you a peeker by nature, Anne-Marie?

Mistress Maddie: Yes, at least the pictures have cleared up that ambiguity. Does the pinky always give adequate satisfaction, Mistress?

Pop Tart: I don't doubt it for a minute, Ms Pop Tart!

Jules: It's strictly for the groupies, Jules. I'd forgotten about the rabbit - is he still popular with the ladies?

Exile: Good advice if they really don't want people to see their goodies. Don't ignore exhibitionist tendency - it may have infected young Bieber.

Billy: I don't think it's going to make anyone's stocking bulge. Not as much as a zucchini, anyway.

Jimmy: Do you think seeing his penis will make people want to listen to his music, Jimmy? Maybe it might work if his dick could sing.
You would have to ask a lady, Mr. GB :)
@gorilla - yeah, I likes to watch. ya never know what ya might learn!

@jules - never owned one. but I know what a rabbit is!
ew ew ew I heard about the pictures but I didn't even bother to look.
Oh, GB, I'm laughing at the comment about a shriveled up vagina. I really wish I'd written it, but that would've entailed having seen the photos. I prefer to keep my vag intact.
I know what I'm buying the Mrs. for Christmas: The Bieber Blaster!
3.68 million dollars? I like your style GB and hope someone makes the offer. I'd pay to see a film starring you climbing the Empire State Building with a pretty lady in one hand and a replica of JB's tiddler in the other. Would you be able to scale a building using only your feet?
I just admire mine.
He's taking a picture of his willy?
He's doing it wrong.
On the other hand, a lot of people think he's a dickhead.
Jules: I was hoping you'd know where I could find one, Jules!

Anne-Marie: Tell me if you discover anything new. ;)

Mary: That's a real pity, because I would have valued your opinion. You could have reviewed it on your blog.

Robyn: I would fight to the death to protect your vagina from Bieber's evil appendage, Robyn. :)

Dr Ken: Good idea, Dr Ken. It ought to increase her appreciation for the one she married.

Joe: I think I'd need at least one free hand, Joe. Maybe I could put the tiddler behind my ear, like a pencil.

BBC: That's fine as long as you don't expect an admiring audience.

Al: I don't know what he's doing to be honest. You didn't expect me to print a money shot on a family blog, did you?
Well, not of dudes, anyway.
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