Wednesday, November 04, 2015
Million dollar dick
I got an email from a cheeky fool asking me whether I owned shares in the sex-toy company that offered Justin Bieber a million dollars for the right to replicate his penis.
“You cheeky fool!” I wrote in reply. “I have invested a small portion of my capital in a respectable manufacturer of adult leisure products that would never dream of acquiring the copyright to Bieber’s appendage. Mind your own business.”
The silly idea of making an effigy of Bieber’s willy arose after nude photographs of him were taken when he was on vacation. Bieber claims the pictures were taken without his consent, causing him to feel super violated when they surfaced on the internet. This may be so, but wasn’t he aware that the paparazzi would be lurking in the popular holiday resort where he chose to prance around butt naked?
My ape intuition informs me that this narcissistic young man subconsciously wants people to admire his penis. If so, he is likely to be disappointed. Although I have not scrutinised the pictures myself, and would spare myself the indignity of doing so, I found a number of comments about the organ in question on a popular website. Here is a selection of them:
“I thought his penis was actually a bit uglier than usual, with what appeared to be a hack-job of a circumcision.”
“I thought it was one of those pig ear rawhide chews. Ever see what a lab does to that?”
“My vagina just shrivelled up, fell off and blew away like a tumbleweed.”
Call me a sceptical ape, but I don’t believe Bieber’s phallus has any commercial value. Who really wants a replica of that thing? It’s not the sort of artefact you can put on the mantelpiece for your guests to admire. The demented groupies who might acquire one for personal use would find the experience less than fulfilling. The standard-issue dildo is a computer-modelled product, precisely shaped for maximum comfort and efficiency. Bieber’s bumpy little sausage would not give comparable service and the novelty would soon wear off.
If you ask me, the million dollar offer is a publicity stunt instigated by a small fry in the sex-toy industry to advertise its brand name. Why else would they have made their offer public instead of discreetly asking Bieber to stick his dick in a carton of resin, something he might have done for free to prove what a badass stud he was? They don’t have the dough and wouldn’t part with it if they did.
My observation of human society leads me to believe that when anyone offers a million dollars for anything it’s probably a hoax. The figure is too round for a real business deal and is obviously chosen to impress the impoverished masses. I personally wouldn’t accept a million dollars to do anything more onerous than peel a bunch of bananas. If anyone wants me to climb the Empire State Building, my price is $3.68 million plus expenses.
Labels: business deals, dildos, Justin Bieber, Sex toys
