Wednesday, July 08, 2015

Sexy beasts

I got an email from a blog lurker asking me what I thought of Shebani, the silverback who lives in Japan. Never having met the ape, I’m in no position to comment on his dinner conversation or grooming technique. I would hazard a guess, nevertheless, that he is not in Japan by choice. Gorillas generally avoid places prone to earthquakes, particularly if the fire exits are too narrow for their backsides.

Shebani has recently been in the news because Japanese women apparently find him more attractive than George Clooney (see comparison above). This is not as ridiculous as it sounds. In a country full of small hairless men, the women might well have unnatural hankerings for a big hairy beast. As for Clooney, he’s neither one thing nor the other. To the dainty oriental woman, he is different without being remarkable, like teriyaki turkey or goose.

I hope George doesn’t take his demotion in the primate hierarchy to heart. I know for a fact that there are female gorillas who would prefer him to Shebani. For all his smouldering good looks, the gorilla is remarkably inactive, spending most of the day glaring at people from a sedentary position. You could never say that about George. He’s always been a very mobile man, which appeals to lady gorillas who enjoy the thrill of the chase. If George ever found himself scurrying through the Congo rainforests, they’d be jumping on him from all angles.

As a newly married man, Clooney shouldn’t be concerned about this anyway. The only female he needs to attract now is his wife, and she seems more than happy with the millions he’s lavishing on their new home in the Thames Valley. The neighbours are none too pleased with all the construction work going on, but the typical English householder is renowned for being a grumpy old fart. I would advise George to attach a piece of hard cheese to the seat of his pants and invite his neighbours to kiss it whenever they complain about the nuisance he’s causing.

Whatever Japanese women think of him, Clooney can take comfort from the fact that his fellow thespians still hold him in high regard. The actress Eva Longoria recently declared that she wanted to be “the female George Clooney”. She should ask George to dress up in drag so she knows exactly what she’s aiming for.

I actually think a woman would have been more convincing in a lot of Clooney’s film roles. In Three Kings, he played a special forces major who memorably saved a comrade whose testicles were being electrocuted by an Iraqi villain. Clearly, it would have been much easier for a woman to keep a cool head in such a situation. She could have watched the man’s balls being barbecued without feeling sympathetic pangs in her own gonads, enabling her to execute the rescue plan with due care and deliberation.

When will Hollywood realise that women are often more credible in scenes involving sadism and torture?

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sorry; of the three mammals pictured, I am not attracted to any of them.

now colin firth - RAWR!!!!!

First off, forgive Anne Marie. She is on the band wagon of Colin Firth. She must be a size queen. Second. "more attractive than George Clooney?" Well, while both a attractive, I'm not sure I'm ready to entertain a gorilla on top of me. But I am too assume this is what your linage is ape? Or is this in fact a selfie?
@maddie - I know YOU are, but what am I? ;-)
How did you gorillas get so big and strong if you just sit around eating bananas and glaring at people all day? I'm honestly curious. Anyway, have you ever been to Japan, Gorilla? How did the Japanese women receive you?
If my testicles were being barbecued, I wouldn't care WHO saved me. It could be that gorilla, for all I cared.
Shebani has that certain charm like Cary Grant in the old days, and he looks more trustworthy than a typical FSU football player.
What's this website you link to?! Female First dot co dot uk?! Are you serious! What kind of ape are you, anyway? Are you actually a girl in disguise?

I thought the Clooney's lived on Lake Como in Italy? Don't tell me they're giving that up for Reading.
i've been suffering clooney fatigue for an awful long time so i couldn't finish reading your excellent wee epistle.
I love gorillas. They are big, strong and look so soft. I just want to run my hands over all that hair and pet them.
Anne Marie: Colin Firth wouldn't know how to dance to the music videos you post, Anne Marie. Better learn the waltz or the foxtrot!

Mistress M: I'm related to him, Maddie, but then I'm related to you too. A gorilla wouldn't have to lie on top of you. Bend over with your hands on a tree and you'd hardly feel his weight!

Jimmy: Wild gorillas are a litle more active than Shebani, but in truth it's all in the genes. I've only encountered Japanese women as tourists, Jimmy. They were very friendly and told me I could make a fortune as a sumo wrestler.

Al: If only he cared about your balls!

Ms Pop Tart: Really? I thought he had more in common with Hugh Grant than Cary. I'm sorry to hear your sportsmen are so sleazy. Do you think they've been corrupted by the money?

Exile: Hah! Trust you to click on the link about his luxury mansion! I don't mean to upset you, but he probably has homes in both places. Don't infer anything from the websites I link - I hire a chimpanzee to do all my research!

Billy: Well the final paragraphs are really about Eva Longorio, so maybe you'd have eventually found something to perk you up!

Mary: How about you and me going out on date, Mary? :)
Is George Clooney moving in next door to Paul Daniels and Mrs Pouncer? The mind boggles.
Meanwhile, those Japanese ladies obviously have jolly good taste.
Sadly E.L. James does think women are more credible in scenes of torture and sadism... but, alas, not in a good way.
i thought that gorilla was handsome too, GB. i couldn't help but notice his form and body language when the story first surfaced. wonder if he knows that he's an attractive beast :p
Gorilla, if I wasn't already married....
I read that Shebani has two lady gorilla "friends" and no doubt, he's getting good benefits. Er, the lady apes are. He does look like Clooney to me, so I don't understand the attraction.
I thought of you when I read about Shebani, GB. Glad to see you still have your harem of admiring ladies.
Ms Scarlet: Now Mrs Pouncer is one neighbour I hope Clooney is civil too! I'm sure she would reciprocate in spades!

Steve: The 50 shades author? Fortunately I'm not familiar with the canon.

Jaya: I'm sure he thinks he's God's gift to female primates with all the attention he's been getting, Jaya. Not good for the beast!

Mary: Ah, I forgot you were betrothed to a human! If only we had met before!

Robyn: He and Clooney do have a lot in common, Robyn. I wonder if Clooney will be a better husband.

Lady Daphne: One of the "ladies" is actually a gay man, milady. I suspect his harem is much larger than my one!
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