Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Russian news

A town is Russia is holding a mosquito festival for people who like itchy red marks all over their body. The coveted title of ‘Miss Delicious’ will go to the woman who attracts the most bites during a 20-minute feeding frenzy.

“An expert panel of judges, including a doctor, will examine their bodies and the winner will be the one with the most bites,” explained Natalya Paramonova, the event organiser.

I never knew diagnosing mosquito bites required a medical qualification. I suppose lay people can easily be tricked by pimples, pinch marks and spider hickeys. If I were the referee I would disqualify bites found in the groin and armpits. A woman isn’t tasty just because she gets bitten by an exasperated insect that’s stuck in her crannies.

Does getting bitten by mosquitoes make Russian women feel sexy? The idea sounds preposterous, but the title of ‘Miss Delicious’ is an appealing one, and the Russians are no strangers to masochism. What the participants might not realise is that only female mosquitoes drink blood, so the love bites they are getting are actually lesbian love bites. This must be the only gay event in Russia that the police haven’t tried to break up.

I wonder how the contestants would feel about getting a bite from Count Dracula or one of his disciples. Vampires can certainly suck harder than mosquitoes, although they are arguably less adventurous about where they pierce the flesh. They are also famously choosy about their victims, preferring the blood of virgins. It’s a good thing mosquitoes aren’t such fussy eaters, because they might not have found many palatable candidates at the festival. If they all tucked into Svetlana the Frump, she would have turned into a giant red itch that no one wanted to scratch.

While some Russians are gluttons for punishment, others are just gluttons. I am referring, of course, to Gerard Depardieu, who recently announced he was ready to die for his new homeland:

“I am ready to die for Russia because the people there are strong,” he declared. “I absolutely do not want to die a fool in modern-day France,"

The foolish death he was keen to avoid in France would no doubt have involved gorging on horsemeat and truffles until he exploded, followed by a sky burial at the top of the Eiffel Tower to repay his tax debts by feeding the vultures of Paris. You can’t blame him for becoming a tax exile to escape that ignoble fate.

The honourable death he is ready to face in Russia is less easy to discern. He would obviously be a lethal weapon if dropped on the enemies of the Motherland from a height of greater than twenty metres, but what would happen if he survived the fall? There is no esteem in Russia for crippled human bombs. The only other heroic death I can think of would be using him as a torpedo for the Russian submarine fleet. I certainly wouldn’t want to be cruising on the high seas with Depardieu flapping around under my hull.

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Miss Delicious? Miss Stupid, in my opinion. I don't like the mosquitos. Some ancestors of mine got done in with yellow fever in 1878.
ew ew ew, that's disgusting!
I probably wouldn't do very well in that challenge. I don't seem to be particularly allergic to mosquito bites, so I doubt they'd even show up on my body.
There is something obscene about a developed country making a competition out of something that in poorer countries results in disease and death. I'd like to see the competitors travel to Africa and do the same there without access to modern medicines.
"The coveted title of ‘Miss Delicious’ will go to the woman who attracts the most bites during a 20-minute feeding frenzy" All I have is some of these citizens of Russia really need to get out and find a hobby. I'm itching just reading this, but then Gerard Depardieu has always had that affect on me.
There's a movie where Gerard Depardieu plays Haley Joel Osment's (the kid from the 6th Sense) imaginary friend. Now if that isn't goofy I don't know what is. And I can hardly imagine how monstrous the mosquitoes in Russia are (not to mention the ones near Chernobyl).
i read a short story about an american mosquito that ended up in russia and things weren't going very well until some helpful russian mosquitoes explained how most russians were pumped full of alcohol with very high blood/alcohol levels.

russian blood can be a good servant but a terrible master.
Pop Tart: I'm sorry to hear that, Ms PT. 1878 was a vintage year for setting Westerns in, but the movies never mention the Yellow Fever epidemic.

Anne Marie: Did a mouse run up your skirt, Anne Marie? You can't be that squeamish about a lil' ol' insect bite!

Michael: You mean they don't even make you itch? You're one lucky dude, Michael!

Steve: Should they treat mosquitoes like vermin just because a few of them are disease carriers? That would make them no better than Uncle Joe or the child-snatcher in Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang.

Mistress M: I wonder how many gay men would prefer to sleep with a woman than Depardieu.

Jimmy: That's very interesting, because another Frenchman called Eric Cantona played an imaginary friend in a film called Looking for Eric. Maybe the French are well-suited to such roles. Have you ever slept under a mosquito net, Jimmy?

Billy: Well, American mosquitoes are strict teetotallers. They must have had a whale of a time during the Prohibition era.
No, Gorilla. Does Smacker Ramrod let you use one of those in the safari camp?
The West is doomed. Russia will eat our lunch and China will use our bones to pick their teeth.

Depardieu looks like he might eat himself to death. Where's the hono(u)r in that?

I like that your tags are "Russia" and "vampires." Pretty subtle.
LOL. a bunch of crazies. i'm pretty happy here in the mideast where there are no mozzies. back in malaysia, people die because of them. (aedes mozzies which cause dengue).
Miss Delicious? Wow, I've gotten my fair share of mosquito bites and never won anything for it. As for Dracula..well, he can bite me any time.
I've been lucky this summer- I haven't been bitten by any mosquitoes & I'm hoping it stays that way.

However when I am bitten- scratching those bites feels soooo good!
I agree with Steve. This is obscene and troubling. Some people have too much time on their hands.

Hope you're doing well and not facing any unwanted bites, GB.
Jimmy: I wouldn't need his permission, Jimmy! But we gorillas are not attractive targets for mozzies anyway.

Exile: The only honour for Depardieu is avoiding French income tax. Anything else plays second fiddle to meat and potatoes.

Jaya: Interesting that their are no mozzies in Arabia. Is it too dry for them?

Mary: You think Dracula is sexy, Mary? Which actor did you like most in the role?

Cocaine Princess: I wish I could give you a natural jungle ointment, Miss Princess. It's much better than scratching!

Robyn: The Russian saw it as an amusing diversion, Robyn. A mosquito bite is a joke to people who have endured centuries of despotism.
'the only gay event in Russia that the police haven't tried to break up' - great stuff, sir.
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