Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Russian news
A town is Russia is holding a mosquito festival for people who like itchy red marks all over their body. The coveted title of ‘Miss Delicious’ will go to the woman who attracts the most bites during a 20-minute feeding frenzy.
“An expert panel of judges, including a doctor, will examine their bodies and the winner will be the one with the most bites,” explained Natalya Paramonova, the event organiser.
I never knew diagnosing mosquito bites required a medical qualification. I suppose lay people can easily be tricked by pimples, pinch marks and spider hickeys. If I were the referee I would disqualify bites found in the groin and armpits. A woman isn’t tasty just because she gets bitten by an exasperated insect that’s stuck in her crannies.
Does getting bitten by mosquitoes make Russian women feel sexy? The idea sounds preposterous, but the title of ‘Miss Delicious’ is an appealing one, and the Russians are no strangers to masochism. What the participants might not realise is that only female mosquitoes drink blood, so the love bites they are getting are actually lesbian love bites. This must be the only gay event in Russia that the police haven’t tried to break up.
I wonder how the contestants would feel about getting a bite from Count Dracula or one of his disciples. Vampires can certainly suck harder than mosquitoes, although they are arguably less adventurous about where they pierce the flesh. They are also famously choosy about their victims, preferring the blood of virgins. It’s a good thing mosquitoes aren’t such fussy eaters, because they might not have found many palatable candidates at the festival. If they all tucked into Svetlana the Frump, she would have turned into a giant red itch that no one wanted to scratch.
While some Russians are gluttons for punishment, others are just gluttons. I am referring, of course, to Gerard Depardieu, who recently announced he was ready to die for his new homeland:
“I am ready to die for Russia because the people there are strong,” he declared. “I absolutely do not want to die a fool in modern-day France,"
The foolish death he was keen to avoid in France would no doubt have involved gorging on horsemeat and truffles until he exploded, followed by a sky burial at the top of the Eiffel Tower to repay his tax debts by feeding the vultures of Paris. You can’t blame him for becoming a tax exile to escape that ignoble fate.
The honourable death he is ready to face in Russia is less easy to discern. He would obviously be a lethal weapon if dropped on the enemies of the Motherland from a height of greater than twenty metres, but what would happen if he survived the fall? There is no esteem in Russia for crippled human bombs. The only other heroic death I can think of would be using him as a torpedo for the Russian submarine fleet. I certainly wouldn’t want to be cruising on the high seas with Depardieu flapping around under my hull.
Labels: Gerard Depardieu, hickey, mosquitoes, Russia, vampires
