Wednesday, March 04, 2015


I wonder what became of the British inventor who made a giant metallic bottom to fart in the direction of France. I purposely ignored him when he first unveiled his creation to avoid giving publicity to his unneighbourly stunt. But now I can’t help wondering how his career has progressed since blowing one off at the French. Is he still weaponizing buttocks or did he sell his expertise to the whoopee cushion industry? You never know what someone who commits a notoriously vulgar act will end up doing. I believe the Maori who mooned at the Queen later prospered in dry goods.

It goes without saying that his prank was the height of folly. The first rule of effrontery is not to cause yourself greater inconvenience than the target of your scorn. It must have taken him months to construct that enormous arse and equip it with an effective delivery system. A device like that cannot be tested without making a big hullaballoo and who knows whether the French were even aware of his hostile emission? It would have been much easier to visit Paris and put a freshly-baked croissant in his trousers.

Now, we gorillas patched up our quarrels with the French a long time ago. I can honestly say that there’s no bad blood between us, although we still refuse to utter a word of their language, which no ape can speak without sounding like a sissy. When I toured France as a circus performer, I never failed to bring the house down by miming to a Charles Aznavour song. Whatever you say about the French, they are second to none in their appreciation of culture.

Perhaps I sympathise with the French because we gorillas are routinely and gratuitously insulted. I was dismayed to hear of an “academic” at St. Andrews University who pranced around the campus in a “gorilla suit”. He claims it was part of a research project to examine how people react to sightings of mythical creatures like “Bigfoot”. I hope a few discerning souls reacted by telling him to take off his obnoxious costume and stop mincing about like a halfwit.

He responded defensively when a newspaper accused him of wasting resources on a foolhardy escapade:

“It’s a serious study of people reporting things,” he whined. “All my work gets published in proper scientific journals.”

Does it indeed? Well, there’s a scientific journal in the Congo that would certainly accept his paper. It’s called the The Annals of Arsing About and its editor is a baboon.

I should not end without offering words of support to Madonna, who recently took a tumble while performing one of her songs. I never had a pratfall in my circus career, but a clown once fell on top of me, which was no less mortifying. People who found her mishap amusing are ignoble yahoos with no understanding of slapstick humour. As Laurel and Hardy brilliantly demonstrated, such incidents are only funny with the appropriate build-up and ritual.

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I'm not too worried about the French, GB. That's an awful looking stiff, flat butt. It doesn't even look like a butt. How much flatulence could it have emitted?
As an Englishman I know that the French already smell so a metallic fart would never have penetrated the odorous miasma in which they already exist.
He says that as if proper scientific journals mean a damn to the average man. Or ape.

I feel bad for Madonna. She was just trying to put a smile on everyone's face and entertain them. Oh...wait a minute...I might be onto something here. Perhaps she did it on purpose.
madge is a tough old bag.
I'd like to subscribe to the Annals of Arsing About! Not only does it sound like excellent reading, but it would make an awesome A to Z post!

Who knows the giant metal fart machine could be unveiled and a strong wind in the opposite direction might blow the fart expulsions back in the direction of Great Britain. Wouldn't surprise me a bit if that's what happened. Anywho, there is so much footage of celebrities tripping over themselves on youtube, it makes me wonder if these people are ever able to walk upright, or maybe have some issues with equilibrium...
Robyn: You're right Robyn, it does lack the shape and texture of a butt one would like to bite. Maybe it should be used as a dinner gong.

Steve: You make a good show of patriotic defiance, but the beardie doth protest too much methinks. That chin bush of yours looks a lot more French than English.

Exile: Madonna could become a great comedian, but I don't think slapstick would be her style. Her off-the-cuff remarks are much funnier than anything she does with her body.

Billy: She sure is. She recovered from that fall like a rubber banana!

Julie: I'll try to get you on the subscription list, Julie. Do you want edition with colour pictures?

Jimmy: No fart has a chance of surviving in the wind, Jimmy. Have you ever smelled a fart in the great outdoors?
Actually I think that giant butt was less of an insult and more of a reference to one of the most classic British comedy films of all time, Monty Python and the Holy Grail
I love Madonna!! As for her fall- she rose to the occasion and carried on
Poor, poor Madonna. She wants to blame it all on the designer of the cape and the designer of the cape is blamer her. Maybe next time she'll hire a costume designer who might actually know what they are doing.
You just seriously made my day. Does this legitamately exist???? I'm a little upset that it's pointing towards France, though. I mean, I've always dreamed about visiting Paris and would hate to have to be down wind...
Oooh lala! Je ne sais pas...Serves the buggers right for taking the piss out of my trifle!

"Trou du cul!"
Does the sculpture actually fart? I'm fascinated! Farting at Frenchy. Also, I'm going to a Madonna and Michael Jackson party tonight where guests have to dress as one or the other, and this is the second blogger on my blogroll to mention that old tart. A sure fire sign that I need to dress as her and not as that skin bleaching kid toucher.

Michael: I'm glad you've seen it, Michael, because it was long before your time. How I miss the days when English actors used to mimic French accents!

Cocaine Princess: She's a real trooper, Miss Princess. Let's hope her tush didn't get bruised.

Mary: Of course it wasn't Madonna's fault! The cape designer is a charlatan and a fool!

Jax: I don't know whether it still exits, Miss Jax, but it certainly existed at one time. Have you thought of going to Paris for your honeymoon?

Jules: Absolument, Jules! The battle of Agincourt should have taught them not to trifle with the English!

Dr Ken: I didn't actually witness it fart, Dr Ken, but it was certain designed with that aim in mind. Please post a photo of yourself in your Madonna disguise - the likeness will surely be amazing!

The very first thing that popped into my head when I read about that chap's machine to salute the French was Monty Python and the Holy Grail, "I fart in your general direction."
Yeah, I'm classy like that.
I was shocked to see that wanton destruction. Sure am glad they were caught.
Are you suggesting that the fart caused wanton destruction? That's a horrible thought, but I'd like to see the evidence first.
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