Wednesday, March 04, 2015
Blunderbutt
I wonder what became of the British inventor who made a giant metallic bottom to fart in the direction of France. I purposely ignored him when he first unveiled his creation to avoid giving publicity to his unneighbourly stunt. But now I can’t help wondering how his career has progressed since blowing one off at the French. Is he still weaponizing buttocks or did he sell his expertise to the whoopee cushion industry? You never know what someone who commits a notoriously vulgar act will end up doing. I believe the Maori who mooned at the Queen later prospered in dry goods.
It goes without saying that his prank was the height of folly. The first rule of effrontery is not to cause yourself greater inconvenience than the target of your scorn. It must have taken him months to construct that enormous arse and equip it with an effective delivery system. A device like that cannot be tested without making a big hullaballoo and who knows whether the French were even aware of his hostile emission? It would have been much easier to visit Paris and put a freshly-baked croissant in his trousers.
Now, we gorillas patched up our quarrels with the French a long time ago. I can honestly say that there’s no bad blood between us, although we still refuse to utter a word of their language, which no ape can speak without sounding like a sissy. When I toured France as a circus performer, I never failed to bring the house down by miming to a Charles Aznavour song. Whatever you say about the French, they are second to none in their appreciation of culture.
Perhaps I sympathise with the French because we gorillas are routinely and gratuitously insulted. I was dismayed to hear of an “academic” at St. Andrews University who pranced around the campus in a “gorilla suit”. He claims it was part of a research project to examine how people react to sightings of mythical creatures like “Bigfoot”. I hope a few discerning souls reacted by telling him to take off his obnoxious costume and stop mincing about like a halfwit.
He responded defensively when a newspaper accused him of wasting resources on a foolhardy escapade:
“It’s a serious study of people reporting things,” he whined. “All my work gets published in proper scientific journals.”
Does it indeed? Well, there’s a scientific journal in the Congo that would certainly accept his paper. It’s called the The Annals of Arsing About and its editor is a baboon.
I should not end without offering words of support to Madonna, who recently took a tumble while performing one of her songs. I never had a pratfall in my circus career, but a clown once fell on top of me, which was no less mortifying. People who found her mishap amusing are ignoble yahoos with no understanding of slapstick humour. As Laurel and Hardy brilliantly demonstrated, such incidents are only funny with the appropriate build-up and ritual.
Labels: Bigfoot, farting, France, insults, Madonna
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Nose insult
Do the Japanese want to have bigger noses? It’s a question I’ve been wrestling with ever since I saw a controversial TV commercial for Air Nippon. You might think that a gorilla would trounce any question in a wrestling match, but that would be making the cardinal error of taking a metaphor literally. Some questions are doughtier than Hulk Hogan and retire from the ring as undefeated champions. Can you tell me why humans who feast on ugly critters like lobster and shrimp won’t touch insects or grubs? I thought not.
At the end of the above-mentioned advert, a Japanese man appears wearing a blond wig and an artificially elongated nose – his intention is to show how the Japanese could change their image in the eyes of the world. Air Nippon had to apologize and withdraw the commercial after it was deemed racist. I don’t know who did the deeming, but I would guess it was a member of the Barry Manilow fan club. The advert changed my image of the Japanese, because I never realised they were capable of such tomfoolery. But graver souls than I thought they were mocking the racial features of Europeans, in the same way that Europeans used to mock Africans by blackening their faces and wearing frizzy wigs.
Air Nippon said they meant no offence, claiming that blond hair and big noses were considered attractive in Japan. Blond hair I can believe. It’s well-known that Japanese businessmen will pay extra for blond escorts. But do they really find big noses attractive? I suppose seeing an enormous honker might be an amusing novelty if you live in a country of midget-nosed orientals, but that doesn’t mean you want one yourself. Having your nose affectionately pulled by curious children is bound to get tiresome after a while.
Another anecdote of Japanese society may shed some light on this mystery. There is a couturier in Japan that rents out ball gowns and wedding dresses. Nothing strange about that, except that many of its customers are men who want to be photographed in their glamorous costumes. The store has an arrangement with a neighbouring barber, who will shave, shampoo and powder-puff these gentlemen before their photo-shoots begin.
“We concluded that men want to feel like princesses too,” said Hitomi Iseki, the 42-year-old manager of the Marry Mairee.
There are doubtless different visions of what a beautiful princess should look like, but I’m as sure as eggs is eggs that a big nose doesn’t figure in any them. The princess is a delicate, fragrant, dainty-nosed creature, not an atrocious harridan with a great big snout in the middle of her face. (The latter may be an accurate description of many a real princess, but we’re talking about the fairy story ideal here).
So, to humans of European ancestry I say this: the Japanese are not envious of your nose – they may smile at it fondly (and toy with it if you’ll let them), but they don’t want one like it.
Labels: Air Nippon, Barry Manilow, big noses, insults, Japan
