Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Nose insult
Do the Japanese want to have bigger noses? It’s a question I’ve been wrestling with ever since I saw a controversial TV commercial for Air Nippon. You might think that a gorilla would trounce any question in a wrestling match, but that would be making the cardinal error of taking a metaphor literally. Some questions are doughtier than Hulk Hogan and retire from the ring as undefeated champions. Can you tell me why humans who feast on ugly critters like lobster and shrimp won’t touch insects or grubs? I thought not.
At the end of the above-mentioned advert, a Japanese man appears wearing a blond wig and an artificially elongated nose – his intention is to show how the Japanese could change their image in the eyes of the world. Air Nippon had to apologize and withdraw the commercial after it was deemed racist. I don’t know who did the deeming, but I would guess it was a member of the Barry Manilow fan club. The advert changed my image of the Japanese, because I never realised they were capable of such tomfoolery. But graver souls than I thought they were mocking the racial features of Europeans, in the same way that Europeans used to mock Africans by blackening their faces and wearing frizzy wigs.
Air Nippon said they meant no offence, claiming that blond hair and big noses were considered attractive in Japan. Blond hair I can believe. It’s well-known that Japanese businessmen will pay extra for blond escorts. But do they really find big noses attractive? I suppose seeing an enormous honker might be an amusing novelty if you live in a country of midget-nosed orientals, but that doesn’t mean you want one yourself. Having your nose affectionately pulled by curious children is bound to get tiresome after a while.
Another anecdote of Japanese society may shed some light on this mystery. There is a couturier in Japan that rents out ball gowns and wedding dresses. Nothing strange about that, except that many of its customers are men who want to be photographed in their glamorous costumes. The store has an arrangement with a neighbouring barber, who will shave, shampoo and powder-puff these gentlemen before their photo-shoots begin.
“We concluded that men want to feel like princesses too,” said Hitomi Iseki, the 42-year-old manager of the Marry Mairee.
There are doubtless different visions of what a beautiful princess should look like, but I’m as sure as eggs is eggs that a big nose doesn’t figure in any them. The princess is a delicate, fragrant, dainty-nosed creature, not an atrocious harridan with a great big snout in the middle of her face. (The latter may be an accurate description of many a real princess, but we’re talking about the fairy story ideal here).
So, to humans of European ancestry I say this: the Japanese are not envious of your nose – they may smile at it fondly (and toy with it if you’ll let them), but they don’t want one like it.
Labels: Air Nippon, Barry Manilow, big noses, insults, Japan
Friday, August 17, 2012
Dwarf complaint
I got an email accusing me of being prejudiced against dwarves:
Mr Bananas
I have searched your blog for posts mentioning dwarves and found more than 10 of them. In these posts, you have stated or implied that dwarves are nasty, lecherous, perverted, jealous and bow-legged. Shame on you for having such bigoted views! How would you like if I said all gorillas were chest-thumping brutes? In future, please think before you express such offensive opinions!
Mulch Diggums
It’s a very uncomfortable feeling when someone searches the entire output of your blog for evidence that you’ve maligned a disadvantaged group. My regular readers will know that I rarely mention dwarves in any context. When I do bring them up, it’s usually in an anecdote concerning the delightful little gnomes I knew in my circus days. Admittedly they were prone to sulks and tantrums, but this is true of all temperamental performers. When a female acrobat called them “despicable midgets”, I told her to moderate her language. One must never antagonise a dwarf without good reason.
Anyway, I informed Mr Diggums that I had worked with dwarves in the circus and had treated them as respectfully as circumstances allowed (bearing in mind that I had to toss them when we were rehearsing and performing). Outside of the ring, they had no better friend than Gorilla Bananas. The dwarfish community remains dear to my heart, and I would fart in the face of anyone who pursued a vendetta against them.
This misunderstanding about dwarves brings up the question of how sensitive one should be when discussing minorities. To my way of thinking, all humans belong to a minority group of one kind or another. Consider men with big noses. They are often mocked by other humans and sometimes resort to cosmetic surgery. Are they unfairly stigmatised?
The question is not a simple one, because some men are actually proud of their prodigious conkers. My old friend Smacker Ramrod says his long nose was an invaluable tool in sexual foreplay. He claims that women loved it when he nuzzled them in their tender parts. I took his word for it, although I couldn’t quite see why a squidgy facial appendage would work better than a finger.
When I asked the manager of the safari camp whether having a big nose was a handicap, his answer was unequivocal:
“Of course it’s a disadvantage!” he declared. “Look at Barry Manilow. He must be the only millionaire pop star that no woman under the age of 47 ever wanted to sleep with. Compare him with Mick Hucknall. That ginger-haired brute slept with thousands of groupies during the peak of his fame. Swap their noses and it would have been a different story.”
I should mention that Hucknall, rubicund satyr though he may be, has since apologised to the girls he callously used to feed his carnal appetite. But would he have been able to seduce them in the first place if his nose had been like Barry Manilow’s?
Labels: Barry Manilow, big noses, dwarf, Dwarves, Mick Hucknall
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Chinese whispers
So the Chinese government launched a cyber-war against Google after a politburo member googled his own name and found he was as highly-regarded as a hornet on a horse’s arse. A classic example of shooting the messenger, I would say. Here is some friendly advice for Mr Li Changchun, minister for propaganda and chopstick torture – if you can’t stand the heat, get your face out of the frying wok. Hacking Google to pieces won’t stop people sticking your name in Ask Jeeves and other search engines. If a billion people think you’re a dickhead, nothing can stem the tide of opprobrium.
It’s a pity the actions of the Chinese government are overshadowing all the good things emerging from the Middle Kingdom. Consider, for example, the Chinese cheerleading team sent to entertain spectators at the Asian Games. A picture of them is displayed above, so you can gaze at your leisure. After admiring their cheerful little faces and twirly little hip tassels, pay due regard to their flowing locks of hair, gently caressing the tender flesh above and between their pert little jahoobies. While it’s true that their slender bodies are not ideal for making babies, bear in mind that China already has more than enough people. A nation of one-and-a-half billion can afford a few million ornamental females.
The Chinese cheerleaders were a mixed blessing for some. The captain of Yemen’s volleyball team complained that his players had been put off their game by the presence of these fragrant lotus blossoms.
“They had an effect on how we played,” said Adeeb Mahfoudh. “I think they had something to do with our losing the match.”
Before you pour scorn on his assertion, remember that he and his team mates come from a place where women walk around in mobile tents. The sight of pretty oriental girls prancing about in bikinis might easily have caused them to jizz their pants. Effective coordination of motor skills is close to impossible when you’re gnashing your teeth like a badger with its tail in a trap.
“These girls are very beautiful,” added Mr Mahfoudh. "If I can, I hope to watch them perform at the next match."
What a fine example of sportsmanship! A lesser captain might have harboured a grudge against the cheerleaders for their part in his team’s defeat. I do hope he managed to introduce himself to the girls and offer them tips on how to avoid distracting players during a game. I feel sure they would have taken his advice to heart. For all their beauty, I doubt they are used to the kind of outright admiration Mr Mahfoudh professes. Most men in China favour the Fu Manchu style of courtship, in which smug boasting and impatient cajoling are combined with mysterious herbal potions.
The other thing in Mr Mahfoudh’s favour is that Chinese women find big noses sexually attractive. Why they do so is a mystery. I suspect they are subconsciously reminded of dragons, which are viewed as prodigiously sexy beasts in China. If a man has an appendage that women like, he may as well use it to his advantage.
Labels: big noses, cheerleaders, China, Google
