Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Chinese whispers

So the Chinese government launched a cyber-war against Google after a politburo member googled his own name and found he was as highly-regarded as a hornet on a horse’s arse. A classic example of shooting the messenger, I would say. Here is some friendly advice for Mr Li Changchun, minister for propaganda and chopstick torture – if you can’t stand the heat, get your face out of the frying wok. Hacking Google to pieces won’t stop people sticking your name in Ask Jeeves and other search engines. If a billion people think you’re a dickhead, nothing can stem the tide of opprobrium. 

It’s a pity the actions of the Chinese government are overshadowing all the good things emerging from the Middle Kingdom. Consider, for example, the Chinese cheerleading team sent to entertain spectators at the Asian Games. A picture of them is displayed above, so you can gaze at your leisure. After admiring their cheerful little faces and twirly little hip tassels, pay due regard to their flowing locks of hair, gently caressing the tender flesh above and between their pert little jahoobies. While it’s true that their slender bodies are not ideal for making babies, bear in mind that China already has more than enough people. A nation of one-and-a-half billion can afford a few million ornamental females. 

The Chinese cheerleaders were a mixed blessing for some. The captain of Yemen’s volleyball team complained that his players had been put off their game by the presence of these fragrant lotus blossoms. 

“They had an effect on how we played,” said Adeeb Mahfoudh. “I think they had something to do with our losing the match.” 

Before you pour scorn on his assertion, remember that he and his team mates come from a place where women walk around in mobile tents. The sight of pretty oriental girls prancing about in bikinis might easily have caused them to jizz their pants. Effective coordination of motor skills is close to impossible when you’re gnashing your teeth like a badger with its tail in a trap. 

“These girls are very beautiful,” added Mr Mahfoudh. "If I can, I hope to watch them perform at the next match." 

What a fine example of sportsmanship! A lesser captain might have harboured a grudge against the cheerleaders for their part in his team’s defeat. I do hope he managed to introduce himself to the girls and offer them tips on how to avoid distracting players during a game. I feel sure they would have taken his advice to heart. For all their beauty, I doubt they are used to the kind of outright admiration Mr Mahfoudh professes. Most men in China favour the Fu Manchu style of courtship, in which smug boasting and impatient cajoling are combined with mysterious herbal potions. 

The other thing in Mr Mahfoudh’s favour is that Chinese women find big noses sexually attractive. Why they do so is a mystery. I suspect they are subconsciously reminded of dragons, which are viewed as prodigiously sexy beasts in China. If a man has an appendage that women like, he may as well use it to his advantage. 

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Aha! I'm very aware of that story about certain Chinese government official 'Googling' their names and not exactly getting glowing endorsements.
I almost 'Googled' myself. (that sounds quite rude) However, I'm not sure I could handle all the compliments. Did I mention I suffer from delusions?
And those Chinese cheerleaders. Well, yes indeed. Despite the Yemen team being somewhat distracted by those lovely ladies, they really should ponder just how much those beautiful gals admire a man with a big hooter. In Britain, 'dragon' or 'dragon lady' is a euphemism for a domineering woman. Suddenly, I'm thinking about the title of a certain Bruce Lee film, 'Enter the Dragon', in a whole new way.
Thank you for a thoroughly entertaining posting.
With respect and kind wishes, Gary:-)
Well, cheerleaders are supposed to cheer :)
I always find your brain wave patterns fascinating (in a good way), GB. No other living being could pull off a piece prefaced by China's attack on google, the main point of which is admiration for young, hot Chinese cheerleaders with hip tassels.
I'm stealing the word 'jahoobies'.
i know a man (one of those big-nosed men), who confided in a friend, as to why he doesnt shake hands with women - apparently shaking a woman's hand gave him an erection...and that wasn't good for his way to heaven.
Is it just me, or does Li Changchun have a small nose?
They love men with big noses? Hmm. That may well explain the mystery of Wurzel Gummidge's disappearance from our TV screens in the late 70's. And I thought ITV just failed to commission another series...
What about big feet?
I love that expression "jizz in their pants"

Klahanie: Feel no shame in googling yourself, good Sir. It is a rite of passage for all internet users, and much safer than entering the dragon, which has burned fingers and much else.

S.A.: Yes, indeed. And shake their booties too!

Robyn: I rarely waste an entire post on a politician, Robyn. They're big-headed enough as it is. Cheerleaders, by contrast, give as much praise as they receive.

Doctorboogaloo: There's no need to steal it, Doctor, borrow it for as long as you need.

Jaya: It can't be good to get aroused that easily. A man like that would finish before he'd started.

Kyknoord: He's got a minuscule one, which he pulls every night in the vain hope of enlarging.

Steve: Hah, that was a fake one! You can't fool Chinese women that easily, my friend.

Rubbish: Big feet means the Chinese would expect you to quack like a duck.

Nursemyra: Yes, that was a good video, Nursie.
That is the very best use of ‘opprobrium’ in a story about the Chinese censorship culture, and also mixed with crazy sex noises this year!
Officials of totalitarian gangster regimes almost always have thin skins and no sense of humor. That's what makes ridicule such an effective weapon against them.

And men from cultures where women are kept hidden and treated as livestock tend to react to self-assured hot chicks with all the maturity of awkward 13-year-old boys. That's what makes the said hot chicks such an effective weapon against them.
It's the holidays kiddo. Must you keep posting photos of pert jahoobies, making those with those that are less that pert, AKA tennis ball in a sock like, feel just awful? Can't you wait til January or February when everyone is already in a funk?
Dazzled by how flat their stomachs are. Was in awe until I scrolled down to see the more mature lady in the post below and was brought back to seedy, seedy reality.
'“These girls are very beautiful,” added Mr Mahfoudh. "If I can, I hope to watch them perform at the next match."'

Well Mr. Mahfoudh doesn't have to just watch the girls perform. He can take out his wang and commence stroking it to show his appreciation of their beauty.
Kelly: Mr. Mahfoudh knows enough to restrain indulging his fantasies in public - in Yemen the authorities tend to cut off offending appendages.
Scott: Well thanks, Scott, I try to pick the right word for the occasion. Now let me scan the piece for sex noises.

Infidel: Don't underrate the 13-year-old boy act. A lot of women find that cute in an adult man. Remember the film Big?

Bodaciousb: What about the pictures in the previous post? If they don't give your ego a boost, nothing will.

Rachel: Women can be attractive in many different ways, Rach. Or not, as the case may be.

Kelly: That would be settling for less than he wants. I suspect he's much wilier than you give him credit for.

Robert: I never knew that Lorena Bobbit had influenced the Yemeni penal code. That woman has a lot to answer for.
i think mr mahfoudh and his team were thrown off when they saw grown women that didn't have a moustache and hairy legs.
LOL! Entertaining and witty as usual, GB :-) Your post complemented the news item, which would not have had as much impact if you hadn't put it in that light. The girls ARE very pretty :-)
Just discovered your blog, I really like it; you cover a diverse range of things. I will be heading into the archives.. keep up the good work!
i just don't get the whole asian porn thing.

is it just me?

i think there has been one attractive asian though, Lucy Lu, perhaps.

perplexed for more than one reason,

Chopstick torture: OUCH!

Big nose, big hose?
Here in Canada, hornets on horse’s arses are held in very high regard.Their venom is considered to be a powerful aphrodisiac.

(Then again, so are chocolate covered raisins. And Mountain Dew.)
Billy: Yeah, someone should tell Burt Reynolds to stops wearing ladies clothes when he visits Yemen.

Me: Thanks, Me. I'm glad you actually read the news item. Some people think I make this stuff up.

Kid: Hello, Kid! Glad you like the blog. Do you model yourself on Billy or Sundance?

Bluntdelivery: There was an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm in which Mr Krazee-Eye-Killa explained what he liked about Asian women. It had something to do with their taste.

Donut girl: Hello, Ms Donut, it's great to hear from you again! Have you done any research on the nose-hose thing, or is it just conjecture?

Bschooled: I should imagine it's more potent than ginseng, but a lumberjack's arse might be safer than a horse's.
is there a connection between big noses and penis size...that might be a great measuring tool
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