Friday, August 17, 2012

Dwarf complaint

I got an email accusing me of being prejudiced against dwarves:

Mr Bananas

I have searched your blog for posts mentioning dwarves and found more than 10 of them. In these posts, you have stated or implied that dwarves are nasty, lecherous, perverted, jealous and bow-legged. Shame on you for having such bigoted views! How would you like if I said all gorillas were chest-thumping brutes? In future, please think before you express such offensive opinions!

Mulch Diggums

It’s a very uncomfortable feeling when someone searches the entire output of your blog for evidence that you’ve maligned a disadvantaged group. My regular readers will know that I rarely mention dwarves in any context. When I do bring them up, it’s usually in an anecdote concerning the delightful little gnomes I knew in my circus days. Admittedly they were prone to sulks and tantrums, but this is true of all temperamental performers. When a female acrobat called them “despicable midgets”, I told her to moderate her language. One must never antagonise a dwarf without good reason.

Anyway, I informed Mr Diggums that I had worked with dwarves in the circus and had treated them as respectfully as circumstances allowed (bearing in mind that I had to toss them when we were rehearsing and performing). Outside of the ring, they had no better friend than Gorilla Bananas. The dwarfish community remains dear to my heart, and I would fart in the face of anyone who pursued a vendetta against them.

This misunderstanding about dwarves brings up the question of how sensitive one should be when discussing minorities. To my way of thinking, all humans belong to a minority group of one kind or another. Consider men with big noses. They are often mocked by other humans and sometimes resort to cosmetic surgery. Are they unfairly stigmatised?

The question is not a simple one, because some men are actually proud of their prodigious conkers. My old friend Smacker Ramrod says his long nose was an invaluable tool in sexual foreplay. He claims that women loved it when he nuzzled them in their tender parts. I took his word for it, although I couldn’t quite see why a squidgy facial appendage would work better than a finger.

When I asked the manager of the safari camp whether having a big nose was a handicap, his answer was unequivocal:

“Of course it’s a disadvantage!” he declared. “Look at Barry Manilow. He must be the only millionaire pop star that no woman under the age of 47 ever wanted to sleep with. Compare him with Mick Hucknall. That ginger-haired brute slept with thousands of groupies during the peak of his fame. Swap their noses and it would have been a different story.”

I should mention that Hucknall, rubicund satyr though he may be, has since apologised to the girls he callously used to feed his carnal appetite. But would he have been able to seduce them in the first place if his nose had been like Barry Manilow’s?

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Mr Manilow looks like he has a dwarf glued to the middle of his face.
careful now, your next email might accuse you of being a Barry Manilow (a group I must admit I might or might not belong to)

I always heard that "short men" peak early from a rise in testosterone and are therefore hung like a horse. Wonder if that is true of midgets???
Well, that's just a low blow.
Which, coincidentally, is also fellatio from a midget.

Anyhoo.....Dwarfs are all the rage right now.
They are...."In"
As far as the cuddling goes? I would guess that Barry is, most likely, a better "cuddler" than Mick.
Okay barry manilow much plastic surgery is enough...about the "Little People" How darn anyone get offended by thier blind eye to your Genius ...I for fact thing your awesomely clever for a hot Gorilla...poop on them
I was a Fanilow for years. But he hasn't changed his repertoire since 1853. As for those dwarfs pictured, I'm wondering if any are single. Just wondering, and opening the window to get some cool air...=)

Dashed unfair comment, dashed unfair. I know that you sir, are as fair-minded as I when it comes to minorities. At Owl Towers we employ several dozen persons of diminutive stature and they are paid the same damned pittance as every other too-stupid-to-make-themselves-rich peasant employee.

We generally use 'em for washing down the underside of farm vehicles or have them pose around th garden carryin' fishin' rods and suchlike, to amuse the guests. The memsahib keeps a couple in her boudoir, I believe, for knee-kissing and such. Discrimination and disadvantage my low-slung posterior.

Sacked one once for looking like Barry Manilow. Had him run off by the dogs. Can't criticise a fellow for that.
Steve: That would be Sneezy. Grumpy might be glued to his arse.

Monkey Man: Well, you covered your bases there! I was actually ruder about Mick Hucknall, but fortunately he doesn't have any fans.

Keeping it real: Yes, it's true. But they don't like being called "midgets".

Al: That's clever, but not technically correct. The midget would have to be receiving for the blow to be low.

Reality Jane: Barry's a better cuddler? Did you make that deduction from his songs or his face?

JTILIS: Thank you for your words of support, Miss. It's good to have someone I can rely on in my hour of need.

Robyn: Haha, Robyn, I'm sure most of them are single! But I'd also recommend having a cold shower before making a decision!

The Owl Wood: It sounds as if you are a fair employer, but make sure you chain them up safely at night. Dwarves can be resentful of lordly folk and prefer to attack when their victims are asleep.
I am strongly in favor of the empowerment of dwarfs. Despite how they are maligned and ridiculed, you never hear a story of one of them seeking revenge on the bullies who pick on them so mercilessly. Who better to be in a position of power or responsibility than these wise, thoughtful little people? Yet, as far as I know there has not been a single world leader in history who was a dwarf. And well this Mick Hucknall miscreant... he said in the article you linked to, that at one point he slept with 3 woman a day. That is an awful lot of sleeping. I calculate, he would have had to sleep 12 - 15 hours a day to accomplish such a feat. A man with a more well defined conscience would have got his ass out of bed, and used his fame to contribute something back to society!
@JKIRF: So THAT'S why Mrs. Penwasser married me. I thought it was my good looks. And the fact she was blind.
Sorry, Gorilla, just couldn't let it pass.
Carry on.
i dont know of any dwarves here. dont remember meeting one. but my fav dwarf is Tyrion Lannister of the game of thrones!

and my fav gorilla has to be you, GB :)
Those have to be the most sex-eh-est dwarfs I've ever seen. Their little packages all bundled up in tight black leather. Too bad about the sweet smiles. Those little nuggets would be fierce if they looked a little less friendly!

FYI~ My Mr. has a huge nose. I say yes! to nose nuzzling. :)

Barry looks like he`s wearing someone else`s face.
I hadn't seen a photo in Hucknall in decades. He looks awful! Smacker Ramrod still owes me $5 bucks. Tell him I'm looking for him.
Screw that guy. Keep the midget posts coming. Actually, I would like to know a little more about the 7 S & M Dwarves. Do they do parties?

1. Screamy
2. Torturey
3. Gimpy

And so forth.
A nose is a rose by another name, and both smell delightfully.
Jimmy: I'm not sure dwarves are the pacifists you take them for. Do you remember Scaramanga's manservant Nick Nack, played by Hervé Villechaize? He allegedly pulled a gun on his agent. But I agree they deserve a chance to prove themselves in life. Hucknall would probably argue his music was his contribution, big-headed fool that he is.

Al: How could a marriage not be a happy one with such an auspicious beginning?

Jaya: There was a dwarf called Weng Weng who was famous in your part of the world, Jaya. Maybe that was before your time. I am honoured to be your No.1 Gorilla!

Laura: Haha, I'm glad you can appreciate men and noses of all sizes, Laura! I'm giving you the Least Sizist Woman Award!

Crowbloke: George Michael's?

Mr UB: Age takes it toll, especially if you've screwed around as much as Hucknall. 5 bucks is a trifle for Smacker. If you visited his home he'd give you a meal worth 50 bucks.

Dr Ken: I think Gimpy might be quite popular. Would you be interested in having your toes pulled by a dwarf?

TS Bastard: I take it that means you have a huge one?
Assumptions make an Ass of U and Me
Dwarves DISADVANTAGED??? I bet you can't squeeze yourself into an empty bean can!
It's all about Germany and guns.
UN is giving what they got and Arizona turns on Jeb .
It's mob and it's Zetas and something got broke when they talked to Harry Reid, and that's why they hit Toronto and Karl Rove.
Gorilla, that guy didn't use his nose. He used da benjamins
nasty, lecherous, perverted, jealous and bow-legged haha, shame on you mr. banana
Hang on - Mick Hucknall, Smacked Arse Faced Mick Hucknall - actually had sex? With other people?
It's impolite to call them disadvantaged... unless they want to be disadvantaged. This applies to pretty much anyone you might feel has been slighted. It is now inappropriate to sympathize with any particular group unless you are part of that group.
TS Bastard: Spoken like a true schoolmaster!

Cro Magnon: You're right, I can't. But being able to reach up and pluck fruit from a tree is more useful.

Crazy Mama: I might agree with you if I knew what they were, Crazy Mama. His toes?

Karina: You're very quick to judge, Ms Karina. Those allegations are unproven.

Jon: Incredible though it may appear, it seems to be true. Maybe they smelt the cash on him.

Angie: Nobody told me about those rules, Angie. What's wrong with sympathy anyway? I would gladly accept sympathy from any creature without gills.
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