Wednesday, February 04, 2015

Pride and cowardice

So Colin Farrell is saying that Ewan McGregor should be proud of his prodigious todger without specifying what Ewan should say or do. He’s already displayed the impressive organ in three highly acclaimed movies, although I have to admit I have no recollection of seeing it. Is it possible for a masculine appendage to be enormous and self-effacing at the same time? It sounds unlikely, but we who live in the jungle know that unlikely things are possible. I once heard a parrot squawk the Hare Krishna mantra.

Be that as it may, I hope Ewan McGregor does not heed the advice of his fellow thespian. The last public figure who boasted about the size of his penis was Clarence Thomas, the US Supreme Court justice. He quickly became a laughing stock, and few Americans can now hear his name without smirking or rolling their eyes. An actor would fare no better: Nick the Dick’s career nosedived after the infamous hot dog prank. In light of such events, Ewan has been wise not to blow his own trumpet.

There are more important issues regarding the male genitalia in any case. A team of Brazilian doctors recently published a report on dangerous sex positions and arrived at this startling conclusion:

“Our study supports the fact that sexual intercourse with ‘woman on top’ is the potentially riskiest sexual position related to penile fracture.”

When I mentioned these findings to the manager of the safari camp, he reflexively lowered his hands to shield his private parts.

“No more cowgirl positions for my wife,” he said grimly. “How the hell can a penis get fractured anyway?”

“It’s not as bad as it sounds, manager,” I replied. “The article says it’s only the foreskin that gets ruptured in such cases. You’ve got nothing to worry about if you’re circumcised.”

“Well I’m not!” snapped the manager. “And it’s every bit as bad as it sounds!”

I shook my head wearily and ambled to the gift shop to inspect the voodoo artefacts. There’s no point trying to reassure someone who thinks every cloud has a clap of thunder in it.

It goes without saying that sex is far more dangerous for women than for men. As well as the risks involved in getting pounded by the Ewan McGregors of the world, they have to endure the ordeal of childbirth. I have only once seen a woman give birth and it is not an event I would like to witness for a second time. The exertions involved made me think of a hen trying to lay an ostrich egg.

I hope the manager of the safari camp will come to realise that his foreskin is an insignificant scrap of flesh in the greater scheme of things. Its petty injuries are mere flesh wounds in the great writhing body of human suffering and self-sacrifice. Maybe his wife will help him to put things in perspective. I should imagine she’ll have something to say when he refuses to lie on his back.

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Oh, so THAT'S why my foreskin's been bleeding! I thought it was some sort of STI, turns out it was just exploding!
Surely the riskiest position is the one where you have to time your thrusts to avoid the swinging blades installed over the bed?
The fact that Ewan MacGregor does all these full frontal nude scenes is obviously his way of bragging. Imagine if Ewan tried to go on Oprah and brag about the size of his weiner? He would certainly get put in his place. Anyway, is Colin implying in a round about way that he has a really small package by bringing this up? Or is it just his brain that is really small?
I imagine adequate lubrication is the answer.

It usually is.
Men are ALWAYS proud of their todgers even if it's subliminally or passive aggressively! You can see peni gloating all over the place.

A fractured penis? Ewww...that sounds painful. Must be some cowgirl if she's causing tears in her ride!
I could probably send a mohel over to your safari camp to perform a bris on anyone who is interested. I wonder how much wine it would take to knock out a gorilla?

Michael: So who's been cow-girling you, Michael? I think you should introduce her to your loyal readers!

Ninja: I thought that sexual position went out of fashion after the death of Genghis Khan.

Jimmy: Yes, you've got a point. Showing everyone your big dong is a way of bragging without making noise and Oprah wouldn't stand for it. Do you think she would sympathise with a man who mentioned he had a small wiener? I'm talking about genuine sympathy rather than words of consolation while smirking inwardly.

Steve: Is that based on scientific research or a half-baked suggestion off the top of your head? Don't be such a know-it-all.

Jules: Don't the men who visit a dominatrix want their todgers to be laughed at, Jules? I bet you'd be good at that! But the cowgirl stuff is crazy, I'm sure you wouldn't do that!

Julie: That's a very kind offer, Julie. However the cowgirl position is a strictly human manoeuvre, so there no need for us silverbacks to get our pencils sharpened. Could I train to be a mohel instead?
Gorilla, she would just pretend to care and try to suppress her laughter. Oprah has heard so many sob stories she has become utterly desensitized.
Oh phew, thank you for specifying that the risk of penile fracture only applies to the non-circumcised penis. George and I can carry on as we were. I appreciate your comprehensive reporting, GB.
I wish there was a girl involved :(
Do you know who was reported to have the biggest of them all? Milton Berle! That's right. Uncle Miltie and his prodigious todger (your words, not mine). Daniel Radcliffe did full frontal in Equus. The theater must have been cold that night.

Please refrain from using the words "penile" and "fracture" in the same paragraph. Keep at least two paragraphs between them.

Regarding the last pic: I'm trying to think of the last time a girl who looks like that had me pinned in that position. I think it was...let's see...oh, yea. Never.
Woman on top is dangerous?? You may just have given a million wives an idea, just saying! Haha

You don't like when men boast about their size?? Me either. I find it unattractive and yet men seem to think its a great pick up line.
All I needed to see was "penile fracture" before I curled up into a fetal position.
Ewan's todger, you say? And here I thought that was a light saber.
Jimmy: I don't understand why she's so popular. Didn't she embarrass Michael Jackson for no good reason?

Robyn: I'm glad to be of service, Robyn. If I had George's email address, I'd advise him to give you a cowboy hat on Valentine's Day!

Michael: Never mind, Michael, I'm sure you've learned from the experience. Every man has to find out how much punishment his plonker can take.

Exile: Do we have anyone but Milton's word for that? I'm sure women who look like that never pin men to the bed. Why would they do all the work?

Jax: Only foolish men think it's a great pick-up line. A woman who only cared about that could find a horse to date. It certainly didn't work for Clarence Thomas - are you old enough to remember the hearings?

Al: The fetal position won't save you. You'd be better off investing in a codpiece.
I guess I haven't seen any of those movies that Ewan was in showing off his wee wonder willie.
The most dangerous sexual position is the one where you open your heart to her and she wants things to remain purely physical. Physical intimacy isn't enough for you though, so you think about ending it. But she does it before you get the chance.
Mary: Maybe you saw it and forgot it, Mary. Not all willies are that memorable!

Fredulous: That's the danger of being too idealistic. The pragmatic realise that half a loaf is better than no loaf.
But where would I find a willing fish?
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