Wednesday, February 04, 2015
Pride and cowardice
So Colin Farrell is saying that Ewan McGregor should be proud of his prodigious todger without specifying what Ewan should say or do. He’s already displayed the impressive organ in three highly acclaimed movies, although I have to admit I have no recollection of seeing it. Is it possible for a masculine appendage to be enormous and self-effacing at the same time? It sounds unlikely, but we who live in the jungle know that unlikely things are possible. I once heard a parrot squawk the Hare Krishna mantra.
Be that as it may, I hope Ewan McGregor does not heed the advice of his fellow thespian. The last public figure who boasted about the size of his penis was Clarence Thomas, the US Supreme Court justice. He quickly became a laughing stock, and few Americans can now hear his name without smirking or rolling their eyes. An actor would fare no better: Nick the Dick’s career nosedived after the infamous hot dog prank. In light of such events, Ewan has been wise not to blow his own trumpet.
There are more important issues regarding the male genitalia in any case. A team of Brazilian doctors recently published a report on dangerous sex positions and arrived at this startling conclusion:
“Our study supports the fact that sexual intercourse with ‘woman on top’ is the potentially riskiest sexual position related to penile fracture.”
When I mentioned these findings to the manager of the safari camp, he reflexively lowered his hands to shield his private parts.
“No more cowgirl positions for my wife,” he said grimly. “How the hell can a penis get fractured anyway?”
“It’s not as bad as it sounds, manager,” I replied. “The article says it’s only the foreskin that gets ruptured in such cases. You’ve got nothing to worry about if you’re circumcised.”
“Well I’m not!” snapped the manager. “And it’s every bit as bad as it sounds!”
I shook my head wearily and ambled to the gift shop to inspect the voodoo artefacts. There’s no point trying to reassure someone who thinks every cloud has a clap of thunder in it.
It goes without saying that sex is far more dangerous for women than for men. As well as the risks involved in getting pounded by the Ewan McGregors of the world, they have to endure the ordeal of childbirth. I have only once seen a woman give birth and it is not an event I would like to witness for a second time. The exertions involved made me think of a hen trying to lay an ostrich egg.
I hope the manager of the safari camp will come to realise that his foreskin is an insignificant scrap of flesh in the greater scheme of things. Its petty injuries are mere flesh wounds in the great writhing body of human suffering and self-sacrifice. Maybe his wife will help him to put things in perspective. I should imagine she’ll have something to say when he refuses to lie on his back.
Labels: Clarence Thomas, cowgirl position, Ewan McGregor, Nick the Dick, penile fracture, todger
