Wednesday, November 05, 2014

My momma done tol' me

Halle Berry says her mother told her to always wear a bra, even in bed. While it’s nice to hear of a mother giving her daughter sartorial advice, she shouldn’t have made it public. According to Halle, following this dictum has kept her breasts perky at the age of 48, which suggests it was a valuable trade secret, like an old family recipe for pumpkin pie. Now that the cat is out of the bag, women the world over will be keeping their boobs permanently encased in the hope of replicating the Berry bust. This is unlikely to increase the sum of human happiness.

Let us consider the issues arising. There are women, I believe, who take great pleasure in removing their chest cups after returning home from a hard day at the souk. What will become of them now? Will they unhappily conform to the new orthodoxy or live with the guilt of allowing their breasts to swing freely? This painful dilemma would not have arisen if Halle had kept her trap shut.

Then there are other women, like my friend Kola Boof, who believe that liberating the jahoobies from their unnatural confinement is a revolutionary act of self-empowerment. If her comradely sisters suddenly started wearing bras, the consequences would be dire. I have visions of her wandering from hamlet to hamlet with her hair unkempt and her breasts smeared with soot, wailing and cursing like a vengeful priestess. Only those with nerves of steel would be unperturbed by her prophecies of doom.

As for the menfolk, one imagines they would approve of the greater quantity of shapely bosoms on display, although constantly turning their heads might strain their necks. But the realisation would soon dawn that these delightfully-packaged dumplings would never be available to play with in their denuded state. This would make them feel like boys in a sweet shop fully of juicy bonbons whose brightly-coloured wrappers they weren’t allowed to remove. The frustration would be intense and might drive many of them mad.

After painting such a grim prognosis, I should lighten the gloom with some cheerier news. Cameron Diaz has announced that she would be happy to “strip completely” in a film role, as long as it was in good taste and befitted the script. Even those who have no wish to see her naked should appreciate her willingness to go the extra mile for her art and her public. It remains to be seen whether the movie moguls will find a tasteful part for her to display her tasty parts.

I reckon the best way of holding her to her word would be to offer her the female lead in a big screen version of the Adam and Eve story. The early part of the film would have all the nudity, with Cameron frolicking unashamedly in glistening pastures and cavorting energetically with the furry creatures of Paradise. There would also be nude scenes with Adam, where they innocently play the humpy-pumpy game God taught them for the purpose of begetting. The biggest headache might be finding a convincing snake.

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FIRST. Oh my God, I'm the first commenter... I don't believe it. Let me publish this before someone beats me...
Well, that's interesting advice from Halle though may be kind of an annoyance for women trying to get a good night's rest, depending on how itchy their bra straps are. Making an Adam and Eve movie starring some big shot Hollywood stars sounds like a million dollar idea.. or I mean billion dollar idea. Why make millions when you could make... billions?
OH MY GOSH, I'M THE FIRST- Oh... Jimmy beat me to it. Darn.
Cameron Diaz is one of the few women who's remained just as gorgeous at any age. I'd watch her playing Eve, or even Adam if I had to.
I had a busty ex that always wore a bra to bred, and they her jubblies were as perky and firm as all get out. I miss them sometimes. But I don't miss her. Not at ALL!

On Cameron, I hear she wears a full bush. Would it up to the director the type of pubic hair that she donned for her role?
I commend you, GB, for being so empathic to a woman's plight. Yes, it's an unpleasant experience to wear a bra. As soon as I get home, I not only undo it, I do the ole pull-the-bra-out-of-the-sleeve trick. I suppose this move makes me feel even more free, as I allow the girls room to breathe without exposing them to the elements.

And Halle and her mama are not as free-spirited as some of the rest of us. I'm too liberal to keep these twins entrapped throughout the night. I let my ever drooping rack flop around as they feel inclined.
But the anticipation and sense of achievement one feels when removing a bra is a good part of the pleasure. I think Halle is onto something.

Are her breasts generally better than every other woman's though? I think this needs to be officially benchmarked somehow.
I wish I had learned her secret years ago, though comfort always wins out in the end for me. There is much to be said about "liberating the jahoobies!" Something tells me this isn't her only secret to success. I'm sure she works out tirelessly on her pectoral muscles in the gym. Will you be attending the "convincing snake" auditions? I'm sure you can rattle up a few.

Jimmy: Well the advice was from Halle's mother rather than Halle, who just followed it. Would you like to interview Halle's mother, Jimmy? Maybe you could think up some good questions for her. She might have an answer to the itchy strap problem.

Michael: That's a very generous compliment, Michael. I hope she doesn't disappoint you if and when she does a nude scene.

Dr Ken: I hope she gave you a photo of her jubblies for old time's sake, Dr Ken. A full bush would arguably be authentic for Eve, but I bet the director would find a reason for trimming it. Maybe humans only started growing pubes AFTER Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge, so Cameron could start the film fully shaved. What do you think of that, Dr Ken?

Robyn: I thought you'd be keen to let your puppies of the leash, Robyn. It's in your nature to be kind to your pets. But I'm sure you wouldn't take it to extremes, like Kola Boof.

Steve: Men with beards can never benchmark boobies. The sensations would be wrong for both parties.

Julie: I'm glad you've had the chance to liberate them, Julie. Can't be easy for a mother to find opportunities. I could tell them where to look for snakes, but I wouldn't attend their auditions. I've already heard too much hissing in my time.
that snake must smell something good.
Nope, not gonna do it. At my age, the perkiness is all gone and I can hardly wait to extract myself from the torturous bra when in the seclusion of my home. I have NEVER had a bra that was comfortable and did not feel like it was shrinking on me as the day wore on. A friend said I should get one made for me, but not sure it matters now at this late date. Who wants to look at 62 year old breasts!
Very kind of Cameron to make the offer. When I worked in a nursing home, we had a woman who slept in her bra. She was miserably itchy and uncomfortable--didn't sleep well. I suggested, You might feel more relaxed if you take off your bra. She replied, I can't do that. My titties will droop. This woman was 80 years old and somewhat flat chested. I wear a bra when I leave the house, but otherwise, I don't bother. Let the girls droop.

I read this article not too long ago where some study had been done on women's breast and wearing bras and supposedly they said that women don't need to wear bras, that their boobs would stay perky either way. But I'm like, what about those pics of African tribal women with their boobs hanging down to their knees??

I'll interview anyone if they pay me.
I think Richard Simmons mom told him to keep his bra on in bed.
I'm not sure how that worked out.
To keep my DD's locked up in a bra all night would be very uncomfortable. I like being able to change into my pajamas and feel free.
If you never let your boobs hang free, they will never sag.

This seems like the logic that if you keep your partner locked in a room, they will never stray. Possibly true, but it is not a healthy practice.
Well you can sod that for a game of soldiers. I'd rather have a bit of sagging than sleep in bra all bloody night. That's why she has bags under her eyes.
First of all... BOOBIES. Secondly, BOOBIES. And lastly, more boobies. That's really all I wanted to say.
Billy: I think it's trying to taste whatever is attracting it.

Rose: You should follow your friend's advice, Rose Whatever people are looking at, you have a right to be comfortable!

Janie: Hah, that's pretty vain for an 80-year-old! Was anyone still using her boobs?

Kinley: I reviewed that article in this post, Kinley! You make a good point about African women, but the evidence is not conclusive.

Jimmy: Even the man who gave Rihanna cooties?

Al: I think he developed in-growing moobs.

Mary: Thanks for sharing that with us, Mary. Do you ever wear a nightie?

Ms Ninja: Yes, I never considered the human rights angle. Or do I mean hooter rights?

Jules: I would have guessed you'd pooh-pooh her advice, Jules! You're the kind of free spirit who's a natural supporter of titty liberation!

Static: You show good enthusiasm, but your final reference fizzled out into lower case.
It really depends on the bra, the more expensive the more comfortable I find it is to wear however that being said it is a great feeling setting those puppies free- especially while sleeping.
LOL Gorilla, of course. Every girl has a nightie. ;)
Bananas, I was trying to sound less enthused about boobies than I actually am.
This makes me think...maybe I should've worn a jock to bed every night? Then, I wouldn't have to be extra careful about putting on my sneakers.
I don't think there's any scientific evidence to suggest that gravity affects boobs in any way that a bra can prevent. Also, what a weird thing for a mother to say to her daughter.
Gorilla: You make a good point about the bush, but I couldn't get over my two big ol' typos in my comment to you. I apologize. I'm surprised you knew what I was talking about. I must have had boobs and vaginas messing my mind up while I was trying to type that.
The Berrys should shut it. I love nothing more than removing a bra after a hard days work....or at any time for that matter
Cocaine Princess: That doesn't surprise me, Miss Princess. If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys. I'm glad you sleep in a liberated state. ;)

Mary: I'm sure you look good in it, Mary. ;)

Static: Understatement is not an easy art to master. I hope you'll find a tobacco-chewing guru to help you make progress.

Al: Maybe surgery is the best option now. You don't still need them, do you?

Fredulous: Can we use anecdotal evidence until the data for the longitudinal study comes in?

Dr Ken: I really didn't notice the typos, Dr Ken. When someone's writing about jubblies and bush, the brain filters out the errors.

Joe: Do you ever have to fiddle around for a few seconds before getting it off?
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