Wednesday, November 05, 2014
My momma done tol' me
Halle Berry says her mother told her to always wear a bra, even in bed. While it’s nice to hear of a mother giving her daughter sartorial advice, she shouldn’t have made it public. According to Halle, following this dictum has kept her breasts perky at the age of 48, which suggests it was a valuable trade secret, like an old family recipe for pumpkin pie. Now that the cat is out of the bag, women the world over will be keeping their boobs permanently encased in the hope of replicating the Berry bust. This is unlikely to increase the sum of human happiness.
Let us consider the issues arising. There are women, I believe, who take great pleasure in removing their chest cups after returning home from a hard day at the souk. What will become of them now? Will they unhappily conform to the new orthodoxy or live with the guilt of allowing their breasts to swing freely? This painful dilemma would not have arisen if Halle had kept her trap shut.
Then there are other women, like my friend Kola Boof, who believe that liberating the jahoobies from their unnatural confinement is a revolutionary act of self-empowerment. If her comradely sisters suddenly started wearing bras, the consequences would be dire. I have visions of her wandering from hamlet to hamlet with her hair unkempt and her breasts smeared with soot, wailing and cursing like a vengeful priestess. Only those with nerves of steel would be unperturbed by her prophecies of doom.
As for the menfolk, one imagines they would approve of the greater quantity of shapely bosoms on display, although constantly turning their heads might strain their necks. But the realisation would soon dawn that these delightfully-packaged dumplings would never be available to play with in their denuded state. This would make them feel like boys in a sweet shop fully of juicy bonbons whose brightly-coloured wrappers they weren’t allowed to remove. The frustration would be intense and might drive many of them mad.
After painting such a grim prognosis, I should lighten the gloom with some cheerier news. Cameron Diaz has announced that she would be happy to “strip completely” in a film role, as long as it was in good taste and befitted the script. Even those who have no wish to see her naked should appreciate her willingness to go the extra mile for her art and her public. It remains to be seen whether the movie moguls will find a tasteful part for her to display her tasty parts.
I reckon the best way of holding her to her word would be to offer her the female lead in a big screen version of the Adam and Eve story. The early part of the film would have all the nudity, with Cameron frolicking unashamedly in glistening pastures and cavorting energetically with the furry creatures of Paradise. There would also be nude scenes with Adam, where they innocently play the humpy-pumpy game God taught them for the purpose of begetting. The biggest headache might be finding a convincing snake.
Labels: Adam and Eve, Bras, Breasts, Cameron Diaz, Halle Berry, jahoobies, nudity, snakes
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Dawkins honey trap
What happened was that Dicky attempted to board a flight with a pot of honey in his hand luggage. The pot was discovered in a search and confiscated on the grounds that it might have been used to make a bomb. This was obviously an overreaction. Dicky may be a scientist, but he knows next to nothing about explosives. If he tried to make a honey-bomb, he would struggle to get a fart noise out of it. Greatly cheesed off by the incident, he tweeted the following indignant message:
Bin Laden has won, in airports of the world every day. I had a little jar of honey, now thrown away by rule-bound dundridges. STUPID waste.
A lot of people then poured scorn on Dicky, pointing out that bin Laden was the instigator of more outrageous deeds than depriving an atheist of his honey. This loss, however regrettable, would not go down in the annals of jihad as a great victory over the infidel. Dicky attempted to justify himself in another truculent tweet, but no one was buying it. The stain of ignominy hung over his head like a purple toupee.
As an old friend of Dicky, I feel honour-bound to defend him. How would you like it if someone took your honey? Obtaining the heavenly syrup is no easy matter, because the bees who hoard it behave like maniacs if you nick some. The fear of being terrorised by those fanatical insects deters us gorillas from even trying to harvest wild honey. I get mine from a pot, like Dicky.
It follows that confiscating someone’s honey can be construed as a victory for bee terrorism. Bin Laden, to my knowledge, was never stung by a bee. He must have seen them as potential allies in his war against the West. I doubt any bees actually joined Al Qaeda, because most of them are female and would reject the idea of wearing a burka and playing second fiddle to the men. But tactical alliances between strange bedfellows can occur – never forget the Hitler-Stalin pact of 1939.
I don’t suppose my arguments will convince people who don’t like Dicky. A lot of his detractors will never forgive him for refuting their silly fairy tale about Adam and Eve. It’s clearly nonsense to suppose that the entire human race is descended from a pair of naked idiots who were deceived by a snake. Humans have inherited a natural wariness of those sly creatures from their ape ancestors, who never did anything on the advice of a serpent. Instead of sneering at Dicky for making an injudicious tweet, they should listen to his truthful words about the origins of humanity. And after doing that, they should grovel at his feet and sniff his toe-jam.
Labels: Adam and Eve, Bees, bin Laden, Dicky Dawkins, Honey, snakes
