Wednesday, November 12, 2014

A spicy confession

Mel B, the Scary Spice Girl, has said she is no longer a lesbian:

“I was one of those for a few years but that was years ago,” she confessed on a chat show.

Call me an innocent ape, but I never knew she was ever “one of those”. Now that I do know, I don’t approve of her dismissing it as a bad habit she managed to kick. Being a lesbian is not like a fad for wearing Velcro underwear – there are serious issues to be pondered and important commitments to be made. The good lesbian is a pillar of her community, test-driving motorbikes and organising ladies’ bowling nights. If she is a famous diva, she should sing audacious songs to gee up the rank-and-file. The lesbian who only feathers her own nest is a freeloader at the party – the girl who eats all the cupcakes without helping to wash the dishes.

The ironic aspect of Miss Scary’s renunciation is that she was, by all accounts, a virtuoso in the Sapphic arts. Her debaucheries were astounding in their impudence and opportunism. A former playboy model called Luann Lee recalls how Mel followed her into a disabled toilet:

“I went into the handicapped stall because it’s bigger and I wanted to put my purse down and she just popped in with me. She said, ‘Do you mind?’ and came right in. She was a good kisser. Her lips are very soft and full and she has a tender touch. It was maybe a five-minute kiss and after that she started going for other areas.”

Would it be wrong to conclude from this that Miss Scary is a natural-born lesbian? I don’t claim to be an expert on such matters, but I can’t imagine a more flattering testimony.

The most startling revelation of all is that Miss Scary may have fondled her fellow Spice Girls. The precise nature of these intimacies has not been disclosed, although where lesbian acts are concerned, a little touching goes a long way. She did nevertheless claim to have kissed all four of them:

“Back in the day I had fun,” she told a goggle-eyed Howerd Stern. “I got my tongue pierced and I wanted to try out my tongue piercing and so I kissed them all.”

She did not say which of her bandmates was affected most deeply by her erotic advances. I would like to think she had the strongest designs on Miss Ginger, who would have surely reciprocated warmly. The thought of her dark limbs enwrapping Miss Ginger’s fleshy white body is a pleasing conjecture for primates of all species.

All in all, the record shows that Miss Scary was an enthusiastic dabbler in lesbian pursuits and took many positives from the experience. She should not have brushed off this important episode in her life as a youthful indiscretion. I would urge her to book an appointment with Ellen Degeneres to apologise and do penance. Even an ex-lesbian should sometimes be willing to eat humble pie.

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I didn't realize that she had been a lesbian, either! But I wonder why she says that she was one, but is no longer. Why not just say she is bisexual?

For the first time ever Scary Spice is suddenly interesting.
It was especially nice that while this "pillar of her community" was having a romantic romp in the handicapped stall, her husband was waiting outside for her. You always come up with the best parting lines!

Well I never knew that! You teach me so much, Mr. Gorilla Bananas. I do like her though. I like her in your face, don't mess with me, attitude. I'm sure she could give quite a good tonguing. Now she sits next to the grippingly, gorgeous Cheryl on X Factor I shall be looking for signs of Lesbian return. Chezza is bound to stir her up, methinks :)
Well, I don't know why you are offended, Bananas. She didn't swear off gorillas. Anyway, over 15 years of fame is getting pretty good mileage out of 1 hit song... maybe she can milk another few out of these recent revelations.
I had no idea either. Maybe Christians will point at her and shout 'See? She CHOSE that life! It's a choice I tell you!'
Is that Mel B in the first photo?! Has she had cosmetic surgery? It doesn't look like her. How much longer until all the Spice Gals are in a group soft-core porn fantasy video? Personally, I can't wait.
I think it would be easier for people who say they were gay or lesbian and think they are now not to just say they are bisexual and are now dating or want to date someone else. Is it really that big a deal these days?
Kinley: I think being bisexual has gone out of fashion, Kinley. People have accused them of trying to have their cake and eat it.

Steve: Yes, but you missed her interesting phase. Do lesbians have beards?

Julie: Yes, that was amazing! She must have trained him well!

Jules: I love it when you talk dirty, Jules! I hope you're right about Chezza!

Jimmy: Well, Jimmy, if I only cared about gorillas, wouldn't that make me racist? I'm making a donation to a lesbian charity this Christmas and I hope you'll do the same. Whatever you can afford.

Michael: Camille Paglia once said that all women were bisexual. Ask your girl-mates what they think of that.

Exile: It's either her or a lookalike - I don't know her well enough to tell the difference. I'd only watch lesbian soft porn if the sound effects were authentic.

Mary: I think she should say she's a celibate lesbian, Mary. That would be more loyal.
Something tells me this Scary gal is frightening stupid, GB. One doesn't catch lesbianism and wake up one day with it gone. Maybe she uses handicapped bathrooms because she's intellectually handicapped.
i always thought they come up with a cure for the common cold before curing lesbianism. live and learn.

(it's that posh spice that scares the bejesus out of me.)
Prurient interest in lesbians besides, I was at first confused over what constituted a "disabled" toilet. It didn't flush?
I was happy you cleared that up.
Now, back to mentally undressing Scary Spice....
I guess she graduated beyond the Spice Girls and has moved on, perhaps to a fondness of the Old Spice man.
Robyn: You could be right, Robyn. Putting a stud in her tongue doesn't suggest her brain was functioning well.

Billy: I think it was a placebo cure, Billy. No drugs or clinical trials were involved.

Al: It's just a normal toilet with more space to stretch your legs. A handyman like you could fit one himself.

Ninja: The Old Spice man might be too clean-shaven for her. I think she prefers the Musk Ox man.
Scary Spice was never a true lesbian. By her own definition she is pansexual. And I for one applaud her. Now what's her number? My hairy mangina is ready for some action.
I don't care what she liked then or what she likes now - but what an interesting post and comments. It's a pleasure just to come here and read.
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