Wednesday, April 12, 2017
Lady Victoria's lovers
As a chivalrous ape, I feel moved to defend Lady Victoria Hervey (pictured above left) from the cruel mockery of the mob. She is reportedly “mortified” about the existence of a secretly filmed sex video in which she is ravished by Mel B and her oafish husband. She fears that the video will be used as evidence in on-going divorce proceedings between Mel B and her husband (although I can’t for the life of me see why).
Nevertheless, the crass and lumpen elements of the on-line media have jeered at her apprehensions, declaring that she who cavorts with the Scary Spices deserves her fate. Their logic is defective, to put it mildly. Consenting to a threesome with a married couple does not give them the right to make it public knowledge, far less secretly film the event for later disclosure. The lack of sympathy for Lady Victoria cannot be unconnected with her aristocratic status. One gets the impression that those who are currently lampooning her would have hooted and cheered as the blade of the guillotine descended on poor Marie Antoinette.
A further mitigating point is that Lady Victoria was apparently the victim of a wily entrapment, quite unaware of anyone’s intentions until the last second. Here is an account of what happened given by a close friend:
“It was all a blur and everyone was very drunk. She told me one minute they were laying in bed watching a movie together, then they got carried away and Stephen was on top of her and Mel was kissing her. Next thing she can remember they all woke up naked in bed in the morning.”
This description suggests what occurred was in a grey zone between aggressive seduction and date rape. Mel B should hang her head in shame for using her celebrity status to lure Lady Victoria onto the marital bed, slyly waiting for the opportunity to force kisses on her stupefied lips, making her flesh putty in the hands of her predatory husband. It’s the sort of behaviour that gives pop stars a bad name.
Thus far, I have offered no opinion on the practice of three-in-a-bed romps. It’s not my business to approve or disapprove of human mating practices. My old circus buddy, Smacker Ramrod, told me he regretted the one occasion on which he participated in a fleshy entanglement with two women. It ended in farce when his bedmates clashed heads after simultaneously attempting the same manoeuvre. Regrettably, he could not suppress his laughter at their slapstick mishap, which totally ruined the mood. The last thing women who have butted heads want to hear is the guffawing of the man they were trying to oblige.
One would hate to think that Lady Victoria suffered the additional trauma of butting heads with Mel B. Hopefully she avoided that misfortune by adopting a passive role. Sometimes the safest course of action for a lady is to lie on her back and let other people do the work.
Labels: erotic videos, Scary Spice, seduction, threesome
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Pleading innocence
Mel B has announced that she is the only Spice Girl who has not slept with the deplorable Robbie Williams:
“Yuck!” she exclaimed. “He had been with my friends – I don’t want sloppy seconds!”
Mr Williams supposedly made an off-the-cuff remark about having bedded 4 out of 5 of the Spice Girls. I would have immediately assumed that Victoria Spice had evaded his evil clutches, but now it seems she has some explaining to do.
Mel B should hang her head in shame for making this information public. What a shocking betrayal of her comrades! The girls had previously been like members of a firing squad where one had a rifle with a blank cartridge. Any of them might not have participated in the terrible deed. But now we know for sure which ones have blood on their hands. This is not to say that Mel B’s hands are clean. She may not have allowed Robbie Williams to despoil her, but she’s certainly had carnal relations with other scoundrels and poodlefakers. Besmirching the names of your buddies is a futile exercise if your own name is already mud.
We must hope and pray that this bombshell has no adverse impact on the marriage of Victoria Spice and Mr Becks. Hitherto they have reacted to rumours of a rift by conceiving another child. Unfortunately, the spicy ovaries may no longer be up to the job. Another way of saving face would be to bribe a lookalike of Victoria to say that she was seduced by Robbie Williams after her mistook her for the genuine article. Stranger things have happened. I once saw a baboon mount a watermelon after confusing it with a female in the poor light. And Mr Williams isn’t the sort of fellow who would ask for photo ID before servicing a compliant woman.
It has to be said that sleeping with 4 out of 5 members of a pop group is nothing out of the ordinary. Countless women must have slept with 5 out of 5 of the Rolling Stones, although Marianne Faithful was the only one who admitted it. Some groups are harder nuts to crack than others, of course. I’m pretty sure that no one has slept with 5 out of 5 of the Jackson Five. Maybe Bubbles the Chimp gave it his best shot. In my view, the shame should be heaped on the individuals that boast about such dubious achievements rather than the band members themselves, who are probably unaware of being knocked over like skittles.
Perhaps this episode highlights one of the advantages of being a solo artist. None of Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriends could have humiliated her by sleeping with a singing partner. The best they could have hoped for was a roll in the hay with one of her squad, which would have won them as much acclaim as sleeping with her hairdresser. Being a member of a group has its advantages, but it does make you vulnerable to infiltrators.
Labels: poodlefaker, Scary Spice, Spice Girls, Taylor Swift
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
A spicy confession
Mel B, the Scary Spice Girl, has said she is no longer a lesbian:
“I was one of those for a few years but that was years ago,” she confessed on a chat show.
Call me an innocent ape, but I never knew she was ever “one of those”. Now that I do know, I don’t approve of her dismissing it as a bad habit she managed to kick. Being a lesbian is not like a fad for wearing Velcro underwear – there are serious issues to be pondered and important commitments to be made. The good lesbian is a pillar of her community, test-driving motorbikes and organising ladies’ bowling nights. If she is a famous diva, she should sing audacious songs to gee up the rank-and-file. The lesbian who only feathers her own nest is a freeloader at the party – the girl who eats all the cupcakes without helping to wash the dishes.
The ironic aspect of Miss Scary’s renunciation is that she was, by all accounts, a virtuoso in the Sapphic arts. Her debaucheries were astounding in their impudence and opportunism. A former playboy model called Luann Lee recalls how Mel followed her into a disabled toilet:
“I went into the handicapped stall because it’s bigger and I wanted to put my purse down and she just popped in with me. She said, ‘Do you mind?’ and came right in. She was a good kisser. Her lips are very soft and full and she has a tender touch. It was maybe a five-minute kiss and after that she started going for other areas.”
Would it be wrong to conclude from this that Miss Scary is a natural-born lesbian? I don’t claim to be an expert on such matters, but I can’t imagine a more flattering testimony.
The most startling revelation of all is that Miss Scary may have fondled her fellow Spice Girls. The precise nature of these intimacies has not been disclosed, although where lesbian acts are concerned, a little touching goes a long way. She did nevertheless claim to have kissed all four of them:
“Back in the day I had fun,” she told a goggle-eyed Howerd Stern. “I got my tongue pierced and I wanted to try out my tongue piercing and so I kissed them all.”
She did not say which of her bandmates was affected most deeply by her erotic advances. I would like to think she had the strongest designs on Miss Ginger, who would have surely reciprocated warmly. The thought of her dark limbs enwrapping Miss Ginger’s fleshy white body is a pleasing conjecture for primates of all species.
All in all, the record shows that Miss Scary was an enthusiastic dabbler in lesbian pursuits and took many positives from the experience. She should not have brushed off this important episode in her life as a youthful indiscretion. I would urge her to book an appointment with Ellen Degeneres to apologise and do penance. Even an ex-lesbian should sometimes be willing to eat humble pie.
Labels: Ellen Degeneres, Ginger Spice, lesbian, Scary Spice, tongue stud
Wednesday, April 03, 2013
Sleep deprivation
Poor Ginger Spice is suffering from insomnia. She tweeted this news to her army of fans, who promptly tried to bore her to sleep with their inane suggestions. I refrained from tweeting anything myself. If Ginger wants my advice, I’ll be more than happy to give it to her, but she’ll have to ask me first. I’m not adding my pearls to the chorus of ill-informed chirping.
Her sister-in-song, Scary Spice, recommended having sex as a cure for insomnia. That’s easy for her to say. I believe she has a herd of brawny-arsed stallions at her disposal, who can tire out the friskiest filly. I hope Ginger isn’t tempted to borrow one of those studs. It is better for a lady to make love to her rabbit than use a man as a sedative agent.
Ginger blames her insomnia on her hyperactive brain, which won’t stop thinking about one thing or another. It’s a problem that chimpanzees would solve by dropping a coconut on her head. We gorillas prefer more gentle remedies. If Ginger were currently residing with my tribe, I would gently swing her to sleep in my hammock, while humming the snake’s song from The Jungle Book. Not many women can keep their eyelids up while being rhythmically rocked by a crooning gorilla.
I wonder what Ginger can’t stop thinking about. She doesn’t seem like the type who is kept awake by cryptic crossword puzzles or ancient Sankrit texts. Maybe she’s brooding on the news that Victoria Spice has given up singing for good, which means that the Spice Girls will never perform together again.
It’s sad when illustrious careers come to an end, but such is life. I had similar feelings of regret when I took off my circus pantaloons for the last time. The important thing is to enjoy your leisure activities and keep looking forward to the next challenge. I returned to Africa to carve out a domain in the jungle. Maybe Ginger should return to Watford to carve out a domain near the M25.
Two ladies who must be looking forward to their retirement are the 70-year-old Dutch twins who recently stopped working as call girls. One of them admitted that her only client was an elderly gentleman who kept turning up for his weekly S&M sessions:
"I couldn’t give him up,” she explained. “He’s been coming to me for so long it’s like going to church on a Sunday.”
Having serviced over 350,000 men during their 50-year careers, they have saved enough money for a comfortable retirement. I hope they’ll treat themselves to a buff young gigolo from time to time, just to keep in touch with their former profession and offer constructive advice.
“Not too bad, young man, but you must show more initiative when I assume the doggy position instead of waiting for instructions,” they might say.
Don’t you love it when senior citizens pass on their wisdom to the younger generation? It’s what separates us apes from the four-legged mammals.
Labels: Ginger Spice, insomnia, retiring call girls, Scary Spice, Victoria Spice
