Wednesday, August 06, 2014

Inhaling deeply

Someone sent me a news item about a nose spray that helps women to have orgasms. The frigid women who tried it increased their climax rate from 1.7 to 2.3 over a period of 84 days. That works out at roughly 3 extra orgasms per year, which isn’t a huge payback for fumigating the nostrils. It might be okay if the woman could choose when to have them – e.g. one on her birthday, one on Valentine’s Day and one on Halloween. But what if they pop out haphazardly during daily chores on the motor scooter or washing machine? There’s no point having an orgasm if it causes an accident.

As a jungle-dwelling ape, I would rather see women use natural methods of stimulating their drives and juices. Dr Ruth said an orgasm was like a sneeze, and you’ve got to admit the similarities are striking. There’s every chance that a woman who makes herself sneeze regularly will master the knack and start coming all over the place. They would have to be hearty sneezes, of course, not those repressed little “choos” that some ladies emit because they’re scared of losing control. The nose is the right organ to arouse, but with a pinch of pepper rather than a hormone spray.

Some women have the good fortune to work in occupations where orgasms are a perk of the job. Cara Houiellebecq (sic) is a mother of two whose popular blog caught the attention of the sex toy industry. She now earns a living by testing and reviewing their devices, experiencing an average of 15 orgasms per week.

“Toys have always been a part of my private sex life,” explained Cara. “It gave me the idea to start writing about my sex life and to start testing sex toys.”

Cara’s long-term partner Darren doesn’t feel threatened by her toying habit. One assumes they have an understanding that she won’t compare his todger with the latest “bullet train” dildo.

"We always say that toys are the seasoning to a sex life, not a replacement," she said.

Fair enough, but doesn’t that imply their sex life would be bland without the toys? It sounds as if Cara’s lady parts have got addicted to high-frequency vibrations and permanently hard penetrators. Call me an old-fashioned ape, but I don’t think the carnal pleasures should turn into an encounter between tool operators.

An encounter between tool operators is better than an encounter between tools, which is what happened when Orlando Bloom attempted to punch Justin Bieber in the mouth. Apparently he was upset that Bieber had slept with his ex-wife and taunted him about it.

Much as Bieber merits a good hiding, I don’t think a fop like Bloom is the right person to deliver it. He is clearly no pugilist and equally deserving of a thrashing himself. I would personally like to see Bieber chastised by a bald stocky fellow, who would sit on his back and pinch his buttocks black and blue. 

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I am afraid if I started hitting little Justin I would enjoy myself to much and beat the little shit stain to death! As far as Orgasm spray goes: what if she confuses her Nasonex with her Orgasm spray. I see all possible scenarios leading to potential problems. Better to just lick on her for 20 minutes before you get down to business.
the biebs is pals with mr mayweather and spends tons of time in the gym so i don't think he much to fear from little boy bloom or any other jealous pissant.
I'd like to see Beiber thrashed period. I don't care who does it. Putin would be a good choice or even Hulk Hogan. Or what about Grace Jones? But I can see the benefit of Beiber taking a beating from Orlando Bloom. The extra humiliation of being slapped by a weakling would be just recompense for all Beiber's appalling behaviour. And teasing someone about sleeping with their ex-wife is incredibly bad form; the actions of an immature fool rather than a man. Sod it, I'd be happy to see Beiber bitch-slapped by Dale Winton.
An orgasm is like a sneeze?
Only without snot.
Unless that kind of thing turns a fella on.
Now I'll think of you every time I sneeze. Is that wrong?

Now why did Justin have to pop up in your post? I am so sick of the little twerp! Testing sex toys? And getting paid?? wow. I think that may be the most strange job I have heard of!
Do you know who can pop out orgasms haphazardly? Men.

Sneezing is severely underutilised in porn.
Mohave Rat: Do you think beating up Bieber could be another alternative to the nose spray, Mr Rat?

Billy: You mean Bieber is a tough guy now? When are we going to see him in the ring with Sly Stallone?

Steve: I don't know who Dale Winton is, but I'll hazard a guess that he's not the rugged cave-man type.

Al: A perverted blogger called 'El Barbudo' claimed to finding runny-nosed women attractive. He was full of huffing and puffing before the inevitable blowout.

Julie: It's not wrong at all, Julie! You can say my name too if you want!

Rose: She has to review them in her blog too, Rose. But wouldn't you say it's a great job?

Exile: Really? Just how haphazard can this popping be?

Fred: Indeed it is. If only porn stars could be taught how to sneeze on cue. Maybe they could do it if they started taking snuff.
I think Cara could easily defeat both Bieber and Bloom using the sex toys as light sabers...
How is a normal man supposed to compete with that stuff? I don’t mean the length and girth either (although I do) I mean the bells and whistles and spinners and whizzlebips. As far as I know, there’s not an app for that.

I think the Bieber should be hit in the face early and often and daily.

How to shield the guilty... I shall remain anonymous on this occasion. OK I had a female flatmate who used to grind against the corner of the washing machine on spin cycle to obtain her solo pleasures. Of course, after a while, when the addiction grew more powerful, she began to run the thing with just a couple of towels in to add the necessary ballast, a dreadful waste of resources. So she started doing our laundry too.

I generally agree with Dr. Ruth. But I'd be more inclined to say "Lucky you" than "Bless you" to someone after they orgasm.
They may be highly rated, but the "toys" in that last photo look like demonic torture devices out of my nightmares.
Hmm, who would have thought Justin Bieber would show up in a post about sex toys.

I have a hard time believing Orlando's ex and Justin hooked up.....but then again stranger things have happened. But good for Orlando for punching him out!!

I think it should be me that beats Bieber with a series of sex toys from that lady's shop!
Jimmy: Would they put up any resistance, Jimmy? Unconditional surrender is sometimes the best option.

Scott: To be fair, women who use such toys usually say they are no substitute for sex with their boyfriends. But can we believe them?

Anonymous: I never knew that washing machines were more effective stimulators with ballast. Thank you for educating me!

Robyn: Do you think it's a matter of luck, Robyn? I remember the Maverick song lyric: "Luck don't have a thing to do with how you play the game".

Ninja: I suppose they might be dangerous in untrained hands, Ms Ninja. I wonder if Cara gives lessons?

Cocaine Princess: Bieber is showing up everywhere, Miss Princess. Do you think Orlando's ex is too womanly for Justin?

Jules: I'm sure he would beg for mercy, Jules!
I don't think I would use a nose spray if I had a hard time having an orgasm. I'd be more likely to find a good sex toy. lol Would probably work out better in the long run too.
An orgasm is like a sneeze ey? I have really bad allergies, and I'm still sexually frustrated.
I'd like to have Mr Bloom attempt to punch me, providing I get to do the first half of the equation first...
Mary: Yep, the toy makers are getting very inventive! Have you heard of the "vacuum screamer" by Vortex Vibrations?

Nashville Brown: Maybe it's because your sneezes have nowhere to go. Try hiring a call girl and sneezing into her boobs.

Nota Bene: I think you could settle the dispute by headbutting his fist.
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