Wednesday, May 31, 2017
In flagrante delicto
I can’t make up my mind whether to feel sorry for Viviana Ross (pictured above), a hotel waitress who got fired after being found naked in a client’s bed. The client in question was a minor English film star called Orlando Bloom, who had invited Viviana to share his bed, so no one can accuse her of trespassing. In fact, she did everything possible to ensure full customer satisfaction. It was obviously wrong to give her the sack for getting into the sack with Bloom, but my bosom is struggling to feel any righteous indignation on her behalf. You can call me a heartless old ape, but that’s just the way it is.
The problem is that this doesn’t seem like your typical case of unfair dismissal. There are a number of unusual features, most of which relate to Viviana herself. First of all, she has accepted her fate with remarkable equanimity, saying she had no regrets about sacrificing her job for “a night of incredible sex”. She has also complimented Bloom on being “an exceptionally good lover”, describing his body as “very good”. Yet she has refused to sell her story to a tabloid, which made me wonder whether she had fallen in love with the blighter. But no, it’s not that romantic. The small print in the story indicates that Viviana is not the humble waitress she appears to be. She is described as an “aspiring actress” who has posted many nude pictures of herself on-line. The only logical conclusion is that she wanted to get caught having sex with Bloom to get thrust into the limelight.
Will Bloom, after being so royally serviced and showered with compliments, now use his influence to further her career? It’s the least he could do in the circumstances, but I’m doubtful it’s going to happen for Viviana. For one thing, it’s far from clear that Bloom has any influence with bigwig movie producers. He finds it difficult enough to get good roles for himself, let alone obtain parts for the women he's bedded. And he’s also conceited enough to believe Viviana’s flattery, thus reckoning she’s already been amply rewarded for her pains.
The sad truth is that Viviana picked the wrong actor to have sex with. She may not realise that now, but it’s going to become apparent in the near future. If she had slept with a gallant old warhorse like Jack Nicholson or Antonio Banderas, they would have moved mountains to get her a starring role in an art-house nudie pic or soft porn flick. But Orlando Bloom is a mere pipsqueak in the movie industry. He couldn’t get her a job as a fluffer. In this respect, human society is not so different from the ape world. A young female looking for favours has to be very careful about which males she allows to mount her. If she mates with a young dandy instead of the alpha, she’s not going to improve her social rank.
Labels: aspiring actress, beta males, Orlando Bloom, unfair dismissal
Wednesday, August 06, 2014
Inhaling deeply
Someone sent me a news item about a nose spray that helps women to have orgasms. The frigid women who tried it increased their climax rate from 1.7 to 2.3 over a period of 84 days. That works out at roughly 3 extra orgasms per year, which isn’t a huge payback for fumigating the nostrils. It might be okay if the woman could choose when to have them – e.g. one on her birthday, one on Valentine’s Day and one on Halloween. But what if they pop out haphazardly during daily chores on the motor scooter or washing machine? There’s no point having an orgasm if it causes an accident.
As a jungle-dwelling ape, I would rather see women use natural methods of stimulating their drives and juices. Dr Ruth said an orgasm was like a sneeze, and you’ve got to admit the similarities are striking. There’s every chance that a woman who makes herself sneeze regularly will master the knack and start coming all over the place. They would have to be hearty sneezes, of course, not those repressed little “choos” that some ladies emit because they’re scared of losing control. The nose is the right organ to arouse, but with a pinch of pepper rather than a hormone spray.
Some women have the good fortune to work in occupations where orgasms are a perk of the job. Cara Houiellebecq (sic) is a mother of two whose popular blog caught the attention of the sex toy industry. She now earns a living by testing and reviewing their devices, experiencing an average of 15 orgasms per week.
“Toys have always been a part of my private sex life,” explained Cara. “It gave me the idea to start writing about my sex life and to start testing sex toys.”
Cara’s long-term partner Darren doesn’t feel threatened by her toying habit. One assumes they have an understanding that she won’t compare his todger with the latest “bullet train” dildo.
"We always say that toys are the seasoning to a sex life, not a replacement," she said.
Fair enough, but doesn’t that imply their sex life would be bland without the toys? It sounds as if Cara’s lady parts have got addicted to high-frequency vibrations and permanently hard penetrators. Call me an old-fashioned ape, but I don’t think the carnal pleasures should turn into an encounter between tool operators.
An encounter between tool operators is better than an encounter between tools, which is what happened when Orlando Bloom attempted to punch Justin Bieber in the mouth. Apparently he was upset that Bieber had slept with his ex-wife and taunted him about it.
Much as Bieber merits a good hiding, I don’t think a fop like Bloom is the right person to deliver it. He is clearly no pugilist and equally deserving of a thrashing himself. I would personally like to see Bieber chastised by a bald stocky fellow, who would sit on his back and pinch his buttocks black and blue.
Labels: Justin Bieber, nose-spray, orgasms, Orlando Bloom, Sex toys, sneezing
