Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Fruit abuse

Take a good look at the picture above. The manager of the safari camp showed it to me the other day, apparently in an attempt to rile me. He knows how sensitive we gorillas are to the misuse of fruit.

“I hope the feast didn’t go to waste after that pitiful floozy got out of the bath,” I remarked.

“Why would it?” asked the manager. “Those peaches would have tasted even better after rubbing against her jubblies!”

“Rubbish!” I barked. “Her jubblies might have tasted better, but not the peaches. The natural flavour of fruit is not improved by stewing it in a woman’s juices!”

I left the smirking manager to avoid further provocation. After regaining my composure, I did some research and identified the fruit-abusing female as a member of a musical ensemble called “The Pussycat Dolls”. Her name is Ashley Roberts and the purpose of her unusual pose was to promote a cheap brand of wine. I’m sure she was the right woman for the job, but where are the grapes? Even Benny the Baboon knows they’re the main ingredient in wine. I suppose she might have been sitting on them, but you can’t really tell from the expression on her face.

In any event, it’s a damned peculiar way of promoting an alcoholic beverage. At the very least, she should have been holding a half-full glass, to give people the impression she enjoys quaffing the stuff. There is nothing remotely drinkable in that bath, although I dare say most of its contents taste better than the wine they’re trying to sell.

Now I’m not dogmatically opposed to displaying wares on a woman’s body. My dear friend Jules sent me a lovely picture of a necklace adorning the smooth skin of an anonymous model, which I display below for your inspection. Would you believe that the stainless steel object nestling between her norks is a vibrator? I would never have guessed it without being told by the text beneath the picture.

It looks too thin for an insertion device, so it must be one of those bean-tickling gizmos. If so, it’s a masterpiece of slick design, because I can’t see where you’d put in the batteries. Hundreds of years from now, that necklace will be a museum exhibit, inspiring onlookers to marvel at the ingenuity of humans in the 21st century. It might even still be in use. The basic technique of stimulating a lady’s love button is unlikely to change over the centuries – it’s one of those skills like darning a sock or squeezing a lemon that can’t really be improved on.

Anyway, I hope this gorgeous necklace will encourage women to display their sex toys with pride rather than hiding them under their pillows. Men have no reason to feel threatened by such a development. I can’t think of a better conversation starter than expressing admiration for a woman’s dildo and inquiring about its performance. It’s got to be better than petting her poodle and asking her whether it does tricks.

Labels: , , , ,

A cheap brand of wine, GB? I wouldn't drink that wine if they paid me a million dollars. Well, for one million, I would, but not a penny less.

How can a woman be stimulated by something that small? I've seen small, GB. Believe me. But the girth was a good inch bigger.
That dildo is incredibly thin. I wonder if the design is more to flatter men than please a woman? Most men will feel superior when comparing themselves to that sex-pencil.
You can make peach wine! In fact, here is a recipe with a story!!

AND here are several cherry wine recipes! No story!

Hmmm..I think the vibrator is wayyy too small! I did not know we were supposed to hide them under pillows!
Blossom Hill does NOT taste like that bath full of fruit. Such lies to entice us to its non peachy flavour. What can you expect from a puddytat doll, eh?

"It's one of those skills like darning a sock or squeezing a lemon" I'm still laughing at this line; you have such a charming, pragmatic view!

I think one of us girls has to test this vibrator out. It is definitely way too thin. Maybe it opens up like a transformer once inserted and reaches a specific temperature? It would certainly be good for improving pelvic floor muscles whilst trying to keep it inside AND making exercise pleasurable. :)

I know she's supposed to look all hot and sultry and what-all, but she just looks ridiculous to me. Maybe I'm too old and repressed. Maybe.

Benny the Baboon is still around?! That guy still owes me $5 bucks. Where can I find him?

@Jules: puddytat doll made me grin.
I was shocked to discover that that girl was from the Pussycat Dolls. I knew those girls were hot, but not that hot.
excellent point gb. a woman is only a woman but a good peach is a fruit.
What, no cantaloupes or honeydews? I so wanted to write, "Nice melons."
Robyn: Haha, Robyn, you need to see it with the power switched on! I think it's meant for non-penetrative acts, which may not be legal for nice Jewish girls!

Steve: Yeah, but you're looking at it with power switched off. No man can vibrate at that frequency.

Rose: Thanks for the recipes, Rose, but shouldn't they be called something other than wine? You can hide it in your bedside cabinet if you prefer!

Jules: I'm a great believer in demystifying much-loved sex acts, Jules! I very much hope the girls try it out, as long as they don't lose it somewhere!

Exile: I doubt you're too old or repressed, but I'd guess you prefer meat to fruit. Benny the Baboon will be appearing in a theatre near you - look him up!

Michael: It's amazing what make-up and red cherries can do for a woman.

Billy: I'm not saying fruits are better than women, but you shouldn't mix the two.

Al: They might be too heavy for her. Not all women can support big melons.
“Why would it?” asked the manager. “Those peaches would have tasted even better after rubbing against her jubblies!”

“Rubbish!” I barked. “Her jubblies might have tasted better, but not the peaches. The natural flavour of fruit is not improved by stewing it in a woman’s juices!”

In a library I sit and write and laugh out loud. Upon reading this, I was given a "shsh" by the receptionist.
Thank You :)
I am nearly too embarrassed to comment. This blog is becoming too sexy. I hope that occasionally you will still write about things that the common everyday working class oafs like me can identify with.
I'm going to pinch your wonderful phrase "bean-tickling gizmos". The vibrator is indeed narrow, so perhaps it's solar-powered? Environmentally friendly clitoris stimulation - I'm sure it will catch on.
Your subtle play on words has my mind spinning. petting her poodle
squeezing my lemon
has me wanting to pop a cherry or eat a peach
You always make me smile with your blog posts. I've heard of fruity wines and even peach wine. Who knew you didn't need grapes to make wine, right?

We're supposed to hide out vibrators under our pillows? I guess I didn't get that memo. lol
It does seem like a lot of wasted fruit. Thanks for your mixology lesson. That vibrator looks more like a rape whistle.

N Brown: You're welcome, Mr Brown. It's a pity the receptionist didn't ask you to share the joke instead of shushing you like a naughty schoolboy.

Jimmy: Haha, Jimmy, I was hoping you'd have something to say about the fruit! I'm worried you don't eat enough with your fondness for Big Macs. Did seeing the picture of the bath stimulate your appetite?

Bryan: A solar-powered vibrator? You could be right! Maybe that's why it needs to be used as a necklace. It ought to get enough sunshine there if the woman isn't a vampire.

Bill: I wasn't trying to be subtle. Sometimes these expressions just pop out in the heat of the argument!

Mary: I used to think grapes were necessary, but it seems I'm being educated otherwise. Isn't under your pillow the most convenient place for a sex toy?

Julie: You're welcome, Julie, but I'm far from being an expert. I've never seen a rape whistle, but I'm sure a vibrator could be designed with that function. A thorough wipe before changing its function would be advisable.
Ah you're writing about abused fruit and hidden tits too. So Jules sent you a picture of a stylish if tiny vibrator. Seems to me this one comes straight out of a James Bond movie. Just touch that button, Miss.
I think I could probably entertain the idea of cheap wine as long as she was pouring!
Maybe they got the promotional photos mixed up? I could see that being an ad for some fruity-scented body wash. As you say, that much fruit exposure would probably result in more pleasant lady scent and flavor than tasty wine fixings.
Quite right GB - an awful waste of fruit. Besides, I'd rather see her in the same pose minus the fruit :)

If they wanted one of the Pussycat Dolls to promote the wine the company should have used Nicole Scherzinger- the most popular doll out of the group.

PS: "Jubblies" -- Hmm, I don't think I've ever heard of that term before.

Blue Grumpster: I'm far from certain that James Bond has ever heard of the clitoris.

Bushman: In her confusion, she might pour the wine over herself, leaving an empty glass in your hand. Incidents like that have left men open-mouthed.

Ninja: Yes, that would make more sense. Best of all would be a fruit sauna, so a full exchange of fluids could occur.

Joe: Maybe she'd let you eat all the fruit if your appetite were sufficient!

Cocaine Princess: Lucy Hamilton's girlfriend? I'm not sure they'd want a lesbian in that role. I think 'Jubblies' originated in the UK, but I wouldn't take an oath on it.
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Follow my blog with Bloglovin