Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Fruit abuse
Take a good look at the picture above. The manager of the safari camp showed it to me the other day, apparently in an attempt to rile me. He knows how sensitive we gorillas are to the misuse of fruit.
“I hope the feast didn’t go to waste after that pitiful floozy got out of the bath,” I remarked.
“Why would it?” asked the manager. “Those peaches would have tasted even better after rubbing against her jubblies!”
“Rubbish!” I barked. “Her jubblies might have tasted better, but not the peaches. The natural flavour of fruit is not improved by stewing it in a woman’s juices!”
I left the smirking manager to avoid further provocation. After regaining my composure, I did some research and identified the fruit-abusing female as a member of a musical ensemble called “The Pussycat Dolls”. Her name is Ashley Roberts and the purpose of her unusual pose was to promote a cheap brand of wine. I’m sure she was the right woman for the job, but where are the grapes? Even Benny the Baboon knows they’re the main ingredient in wine. I suppose she might have been sitting on them, but you can’t really tell from the expression on her face.
In any event, it’s a damned peculiar way of promoting an alcoholic beverage. At the very least, she should have been holding a half-full glass, to give people the impression she enjoys quaffing the stuff. There is nothing remotely drinkable in that bath, although I dare say most of its contents taste better than the wine they’re trying to sell.
Now I’m not dogmatically opposed to displaying wares on a woman’s body. My dear friend Jules sent me a lovely picture of a necklace adorning the smooth skin of an anonymous model, which I display below for your inspection. Would you believe that the stainless steel object nestling between her norks is a vibrator? I would never have guessed it without being told by the text beneath the picture.
It looks too thin for an insertion device, so it must be one of those bean-tickling gizmos. If so, it’s a masterpiece of slick design, because I can’t see where you’d put in the batteries. Hundreds of years from now, that necklace will be a museum exhibit, inspiring onlookers to marvel at the ingenuity of humans in the 21st century. It might even still be in use. The basic technique of stimulating a lady’s love button is unlikely to change over the centuries – it’s one of those skills like darning a sock or squeezing a lemon that can’t really be improved on.
Anyway, I hope this gorgeous necklace will encourage women to display their sex toys with pride rather than hiding them under their pillows. Men have no reason to feel threatened by such a development. I can’t think of a better conversation starter than expressing admiration for a woman’s dildo and inquiring about its performance. It’s got to be better than petting her poodle and asking her whether it does tricks.
Labels: Fruit abuse, nudity, Sex toys, vibrators, wine
