Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Cleaning up her act

So it seems that Lady Gaga is going to censor her show for a concert scheduled in Dubai. Apparently some of her on-stage antics are too shocking and vulgar for the shy and sensitive folk over there. If I were a Lady Gaga fan living in Dubai, I’d be pinching my nipples in outrage. Fortunately I’m not, so I’m scratching my armpits in amusement.

Call me a naïve ape, but I honestly didn’t know there was anything risqué in a Lady Gaga concert. Now that I do know, I’m determined to discover what the silly floozy gets up to. According to one source, she likes to display her bare buttocks to her fans. I’ve seen too many baboons to find that shocking, but humans have a complex relationship with their bottoms. An accidental exposure isn’t usually offensive, but someone bending over and shaking their buns in your face is normally regarded as an insult. In Lady Gaga’s case, the issue is complicated by her creative impulse. I don’t think anyone should complain if she wiggles her rump to a well-chosen musical accompaniment. If you don’t like the performance, get out of the theatre.

Another source indicates that she likes to bare her breasts on stage. In my neck of the jungle that would be perfectly acceptable – the local humans would see it as paying homage to their ancient traditions. However, different cultural norms apply to titties in a desert society. Exposing them to the dry climate would cause them to wither and dehydrate, depleting the assets of the local sheikh, who might then have to barter one of his camels. If you live in a realm of scarcity, conservation of the booby stock is essential. Let’s hope Lady Gaga is aware of these cultural nuances and doesn’t provoke a ghazi to unsheathe his sword.

Should female performers be allowed to jiggle their jahoobies as a form of artistic expression? Personally I’m against it. I remember that awful scene in the The Graduate where Dustin Hoffman takes poor Katherine Ross to a strip club, and she is humiliated by a busty stripper who twirls her tassels in her face. Aggressive flaunting of the bosom is a form of intimidation not to be tolerated in any genre of entertainment. There is nothing wrong with incidental agitation, of course. A woman having a jog is all the more engaging if her boobies are bouncing up and down.

The actress Jessica Alba could give Lady Gaga a lesson in modesty. Jessica recently explained why she refuses to appear topless in any of her roles:

"I don’t want my grandparents to see my boobs," she told Glamour magazine.

It’s quite possible her grandparents would be proud of her breasts, but it’s equally likely they would feel shame or envy on seeing them. Jessica is absolutely right to play it safe. Will she show us her boobs when her grandparents have passed away? That is a question that should never be asked but often be contemplated.

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The way I see it, if women are to be expected to keep their chests covered, so should men. I mean, some women might not be able to control themselves at the titillating sight of bare man-nipples.

On another note, I expect to see that gun bra pictured at the top in future promotional materials for the NRA.
Nothing is more attractive than a little mystery. A woman who bares her boobs and butt for all to see gives away her attractiveness needlessly and without discernment. Bizarrely, therefore, by refusing to allow her grandparents to see her breasts Jessica is only making herself more attractive to them.
I've always found it strange that some cultures, including America, have no problem at all showing the most brutal violence to children but even subtle nudity is prohibited. Still... at least it's not Dubai.

And I agree. We need to see Jessica Alba's boobs.
I lIke Jessica for that. However, call me cynical but I think it's a marketing ploy or she's got hairy nipples.
you've taught me another new word you magnificent ape, ghazi.
How do places like Dubai even exist in this century? I'll bet just under the surface it's the most debauched city on earth. Nothing brings out abhorrent behavior like oppression.

I'm reading Journey Without Maps by Graham Greene. It's about his travels in deepest, darkest Africa. He comments on how he finds himself increasingly attracted to elongated boobs that stretch to their knees vs. the tiny European versions. Tastes change.

@Juliette: When I was a young lad, I removed a bra only to be met with a set of hairy nipples. I couldn't have been more shocked! I didn't know they existed.
I once fantasized about what it would be like to be a pop star. Though now that I think about it, it sounds like more trouble than it's worth. How exhausting it would be to travel to all these remote locations, where they don't even have Diet Pepsi and Doritos readily available? Add to this that I will not be allowed to strut around the stage naked, and it just seems too restrictive and stressful to entertain.
Sarcastic Ninja: You sound like a "top-free equality" campaigner, Ms Ninja! Do women take much notice of man nipples? I thought they were more interested in the pecs.

Steve: A threesome involving Jessica and her grandparents could the theme of an epic horror movie. Just imagine a pair of wrinklies saying 'ooh nice' as they pawed her smooth body. Brrrh!

Scott: Hey, man, don't put words into my mouth! I didn't say we need to see Jessica's boobs. I was just trying to guess how her policy would evolve.

Juliette: I sense that women have exaggerate worries about their sparse nipple hairs. Are the nipples actually hairy or is it the skin surrounding the areola?

Billy: It's always a pleasure to enlarge your vocabulary!

Exile: It's a huge breakthrough that she's even allowed in Dubai. Can you imagine the reaction to her act in neighbouring Saudi Arabia? Men would be setting fire to their trousers. Graham Greene was a Catholic with an udder fixation. His writings are unsound on most topics.

Jimmy: You like Doritos, Jimmy? I once heard they were more healthy than regular potato chips (aka crisps). But why not Coke Zero instead of Diet Pepsi? If you were a pop star you could have everything, of course.
I have never heard anything about Doritos being healthy. I drink Coke Zero at work so it reminds me of slaving for an evil corporation.
It's nice that Jessica Alba is so considerate of her grandparents' feelings. Many celebrities are too busy taking selfies to care!

I guess it depends on the situation but I have to agree, sometimes a little mystery is more attractive.
I think it's probably a good thing for her to tone it down for those in Dunbai if they aren't going to like seeing bare bottoms and bra-less boobage.

I bet Miley Cyrus won't be getting an invitation to Dubai anytime soon. LOL
The only risky (risqué) thing about a Lady Gaga gig would be actually having to listen to her voice- I'd rather visit the dentist...and he doesn't present his buttocks, not often anyway!
Dubai is a country that is very strict when it comes to modesty issues. Unmarried couples aren't allowed to stay in a hotel room together. It's against the law. I'm surprised that Lady Gaga was even allowed in the country, and the fact that she wants to display her body parts there, is tactless.
I can't for the life of me understand why Gaga would want a gig in Dubai. She should visit my neighbourhood and play Twickenham Stadium. She'd be free to exhibit all her bits and I wouldn't dream of complaining :)

Jimmy: So you drink both Coke Zero and Diet Pepsi? That's the soft drink equivalent of being bisexual!

Julie: She does seem like a considerate woman, but shouldn't she discuss it with her grandparents first?

Cocaine Princess: I don't think there's any mystery left in a woman's body, Miss Princess. The cat has been let out of the bag.

Mary: Doesn't Miley just wiggle her tongue? It's nothing they haven't seen their desert lizards do.

Suburbia: You are clearly not one of those unfortunate women who've been groped by their dentist while lying defenceless on the chair. Unless he gave you gas so you weren't aware of what he was up to.

Sherry: Maybe they're hoping to inch their way into the 21st century by inviting Lady Gaga.

Joe: She might be tired of preaching to the converted, Joe. She can't have many critics in Twickenham, can she?
I can understand (not agree with!) toning it down in Dubai. It is in an Islamic country after all. That being said, I got blasted out of my mind at a hotel bar there once. And rumor has it those girls who thought I was attractive were hookers.
You ought to be proud those hookers found you attractive, even if they smelt the cash on you. Smells are a part of sexual chemistry.
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