Wednesday, March 19, 2014

The peacock's tail

Scientists have discovered a trick used by peacocks to attract more females: they hide behind a bush and pretend they’re have sex by making suggestive clucking noises. This convinces any passing peahen that the male is an alpha stud who’s busy servicing her rivals. Consumed with jealousy and lust, she hunts him down to get her share of the action.

Perhaps we should consider whether the same strategy would work for men. Suppose a fellow panted heavily and shouted “Who’s your daddy?” with his bedroom window open. How would this influence women passing by in the street below? My gut feeling is that they wouldn’t be impressed. They would ask themselves questions like “Why is the window open?” and “Why is his partner not making any noise?”. Women are much less easy to fool than peahens.

Having said all that, it would be wrong to believe that the human female is immune to the attractions of reputation and swagger. Have you heard the news that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have reunited in the biblical sense? After getting jilted by Selena a couple of years ago, I’m sure you all know that Justin went on a rampage of sleeping with prostitutes, sucking strippers’ titties and generally being a bad boy. Far from further alienating Selena, it seems these additions to his résumé have induced her to reconnect. Once again, she is spreading her legs for the Bieb.

Her parents are allegedly wringing their hands in horror, but that’s probably because they never studied biology at graduate level. There’s no point reasoning with a female in oestrus. I once tried reasoning with a female gorilla in oestrus and she bit me. What Selena’s parents should do is let Nature take its course until she finds out whether Justin has turned into the dashing desperado of her imagination. My guess is that he hasn’t. There aren’t many boys who can compete with a girl’s fantasies.

Sometimes a female gives the wrong impression of being in oestrus. Looking at the picture below, you might think the deed depicted was hormonally influenced. In fact, the actress Kristen Bell is rebuking her co-stars at a movie premiere. A few minutes before, her red panties had been exposed by a gust of wind, causing her escorts to laugh. The butt-gropes were an entirely appropriate response to their uncouth behaviour.

It goes without saying that one should never snigger at a lady’s underwear. My friend Lady Chuffington once accidentally gave me a glimpse of her purple knickers. I would have said nothing, but her hard stare and pursed lips suggested she held me at fault for some reason. Realising that the incident could not pass without comment, I formulated the following response:

“A fine pair of bloomers, milady! The colour is especially vibrant, if I may say so.”

“You many indeed, Bananas,” she replied, before giving me her hand to kiss.

It’s usually possible to defuse an awkward situation if you keep your wits about you.

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I am hoping they will deport Justin Bieber. We have enough bad boys here in America without importing them. I hope Selena comes to her senses and drops him like a hot coal!
Sometimes we women make bad choices due to something odd affecting our brains!! I fell for it once and never again!
Why am I suddenly reminded of the song The Female Of The Species by Space?
I'm beginning to suspect an overarching tendency towards homosexuality from the police as any man making sex noises from behind a bush would reliably attract their immediate attention.
Yes you can't fool women that easily. If I heard that coming from a bedroom window I'd be thinking "What a prick" But I wouldn't shout that out loud incase he hung it out the window.

At least she was wearing knickers. Could've been worse :)
Selena Gomez has low standards and obvious self-esteem issues. There. I said it out loud. Let her deal with the fallout.

That's a hell of a grip that Bell is displaying. No self-esteem issues there.
well written, thank you. Not trying to be the grammar gestapo but the writing I have see of late... From the newspaper at that...

please call me Neo.
Well done, Gorilla, for writing about this. I was also pondering how getting arrested is what won back Selena Gomez for the Biebs. I doubt it will last though. If Bieber's bad boy behavior is not at least followed up with some career success, in a few years he will just look like a shorter, more scrawny poor man's version of Charlie Sheen.
I knew the Biebs would get her back. he has powers and talent that us mortals will never be able to understand. and those lousy americans don't realize how lucky they are to have him.
Rose: That odd thing affecting your brains is hormones, Rose! I'd love to hear more about the bad boy who put a spell on you!

HermanTurnipp: Yes, that was a good one. Who would have thought a poem by Kipling would inspire such a bewitching melody?

Steve: I don't know why you're having a go at the police all of a sudden. Anyone would think you were speaking from bitter experience.

Juliette: Why should women worry about their knickers being exposed, Jules? They don't reveal anything more than a bikini bottom, do they? And what's the point of all those bright colours if no one will see them?

Exile: Selena has made too much money to have low self esteem. I suspect she sees something in Bieber that mature men can't understand. You've got daughters, so you'll find that out for yourself.

Neo: Hello and welcome, Mr Neo. I'm glad you appreciate the writing. Feel free to express your views on the subject matter if you're inclined!

Jimmy: I think you're right, Jimmy. There's no way Selena would want to be the girlfriend of a has-been. Maybe she's behaving like Satan in the South Park episode where he briefly resumes his affair with Saddam. Have you heard any theories from girls of Selena's age group? I think you'll need to do some research to understand her behaviour.

Billy: Do you think he's invading Selena for Canada, Billy? You guys need some territory in a warmer climate zone.
Whenever I see a woman's underwear, the last thing I do is snigger.
You are a fine gentleman, and other men can learn a lot about delicate matters from this cultivated Gorilla!

Can ypu imagine, Selena sat there swooning and thinking "he's such a bad boy, but maybe I can change him"... about justin Beiber. The same little wet that sang 'baby'. What's the world coming to?? X
don't know how big your gut is but it is probably right.
There are women who do go after the bad boy. It typically doesn't turn out well down the road.
Gorilla, sounds like a good idea for a documentary film... or at least a SPECIAL REPORT. I'll get right on it.
I think the peacock antic is the animal version of a porno movie. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
Ken Lynch: Bravo, Sir! What's the first thing you do?

Julie: Thank you, Julie! My mentor, Dr Whipsnade, taught me the finer points of human etiquette.

Scarlett: That's an interesting angle, Miss Scarlett. It's knows as the Jane Eyre syndrome. But if she wants him to be a good boy, why did she dump him in the first place?

Bill: My gut is fairly big, but often full of gas. I'm wondering whether Selena will find Justin isn't nearly as bad as she hoped.

Jimmy: Make sure you publish your findings, Jimmy. Selena's parents might then hire you as a family counsellor.

David: This peacock porn is based purely on sound, David. Do you think a porn radio channel would work for humans?
Just hearing the name "Bieber" makes my peacocck temporarily out of order.
Bieber is like a cartoon baddie, by cartoons I mean NickJr
eeeks, Bieber. he's damaged beyond repair.

have missed you, GB!
Jaya J is back.
I have never thought about that but it could only be an improvement over our local radio channel.
Blue: Whoever thought Bieber's name could have such an effect? Earplugs or blue pills are the only remedies I can think of.

Lost Jimmy: Yes, he's so bad he could terrify a fluffy bunny.

Jaya: I've missed you too, Jaya!

David: Do you think radio porn would get a bigger audience than the Bible stations?
I would have to agree with the comment left by @Exile on Pain Street.

There must be something seriously wrong with Selena. Hmm, I gotta wonder if Justin would take her back if Selena was the one who had been fooling around?
Yeah but it might also get the staff arrested. I think there is still a law against lewd and lascivious conduct although I'm no idea what all that entails.
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