Wednesday, March 19, 2014
The peacock's tail
Scientists have discovered a trick used by peacocks to attract more females: they hide behind a bush and pretend they’re have sex by making suggestive clucking noises. This convinces any passing peahen that the male is an alpha stud who’s busy servicing her rivals. Consumed with jealousy and lust, she hunts him down to get her share of the action.
Perhaps we should consider whether the same strategy would work for men. Suppose a fellow panted heavily and shouted “Who’s your daddy?” with his bedroom window open. How would this influence women passing by in the street below? My gut feeling is that they wouldn’t be impressed. They would ask themselves questions like “Why is the window open?” and “Why is his partner not making any noise?”. Women are much less easy to fool than peahens.
Having said all that, it would be wrong to believe that the human female is immune to the attractions of reputation and swagger. Have you heard the news that Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have reunited in the biblical sense? After getting jilted by Selena a couple of years ago, I’m sure you all know that Justin went on a rampage of sleeping with prostitutes, sucking strippers’ titties and generally being a bad boy. Far from further alienating Selena, it seems these additions to his résumé have induced her to reconnect. Once again, she is spreading her legs for the Bieb.
Her parents are allegedly wringing their hands in horror, but that’s probably because they never studied biology at graduate level. There’s no point reasoning with a female in oestrus. I once tried reasoning with a female gorilla in oestrus and she bit me. What Selena’s parents should do is let Nature take its course until she finds out whether Justin has turned into the dashing desperado of her imagination. My guess is that he hasn’t. There aren’t many boys who can compete with a girl’s fantasies.
Sometimes a female gives the wrong impression of being in oestrus. Looking at the picture below, you might think the deed depicted was hormonally influenced. In fact, the actress Kristen Bell is rebuking her co-stars at a movie premiere. A few minutes before, her red panties had been exposed by a gust of wind, causing her escorts to laugh. The butt-gropes were an entirely appropriate response to their uncouth behaviour.
It goes without saying that one should never snigger at a lady’s underwear. My friend Lady Chuffington once accidentally gave me a glimpse of her purple knickers. I would have said nothing, but her hard stare and pursed lips suggested she held me at fault for some reason. Realising that the incident could not pass without comment, I formulated the following response:
“A fine pair of bloomers, milady! The colour is especially vibrant, if I may say so.”
“You many indeed, Bananas,” she replied, before giving me her hand to kiss.
It’s usually possible to defuse an awkward situation if you keep your wits about you.
Labels: Justin Bieber, knickers, Kristen Bell, mating tricks, oestrus, Selena Gomez
