Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Flat tummy mummy

Congratulations to Caroline Berg Ericksen, the “fitness blogger” who recently became a mother. Four days after giving birth, she proudly displayed a picture of her belly on Instagram. Everyone marvelled at how quickly it had reverted to a perfectly-toned “six-pack” once the ballast in her womb had been ejected.

Remarkable though her achievement is, one has to wonder how the baby fared in such a tight enclosure. Those powerful abdominal muscles would have squeezed its little head like a lemon every time its mother did her sit-up exercises. That wouldn’t have helped the development of its brain, which was probably already destined to be short of grey matter for hereditary reasons. No mammalian baby should be treated like the prey of a boa constrictor before taking its first breath.

Caroline’s post-natal pose has attracted negative comments from a number of women, who see it as an attempt to humiliate mothers who retain a natural roly-poly appearance after gestation. I doubt that was her intention. She was surely just expressing the boundless love she feels for her own body. Maybe she was also hoping to solicit a present from her fans. I personally think she deserves two – a pacifier for the baby and a gemstone for her belly button.

The miraculous compression of Caroline’s abdomen has diverted attention from her stupendous breasts. Maybe it’s just as well, given that they appear to contain more silicone than milk. It is fortunate for the baby that she probably has no intention of suckling it. An infant shouldn’t acquire a taste for synthetic substances that early in life.

Another problem with breast implants is that they might prevent the new smart bra from functioning properly. Microsoft created this product to monitor a woman’s moods and rhythms with electronic sensors. Perhaps a simple, sunny character like Caroline won’t need a smart bra because she is always in a good mood. Life can be a pleasant experience for those who get plenty of exercise and refrain from straining their brains.

While we’re on the subject of breasts, I was dismayed to hear that a woman working as a topless barber is being prosecuted in Colorado. The police say her arrest was for “practising cosmetology without a license” and had nothing to do with the exposure of her jahoobies. It sounds pretty fishy to me. Wasn’t Al Capone arrested for income tax evasion? If the state of Colorado has a problem with bare-breasted hairdressers, it ought to come clean instead of hiding behind legal technicalities.

The service she was offering doesn’t make a lot of sense in any case. Wouldn’t she be standing behind the customer with her breasts out of view for most of the haircut? It saddens me to think that men would fork out 45 bucks for the mere proximity of a woman’s naked bosom.

For my own part, I have never been groomed, nursed or otherwise obliged by a topless woman. I’ve got better things to do than waste my time on such tomfoolery.

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did she give birth to a human or a gerbil?
Instagram? I've only read a blog about it. The blogger took a picture of the crud under her refrigerator to show it was possible to make it pretty with Instagram. Imagine what a woman could do with her belly.

About the bras...I dunno...less is more.
I believe the problem was that she was so "in your face" about the whole thing, calling people slackers for not being as fit as she is, and that others had no excuses for being out of shape. She acted like a self righteous jerk and got call on it, for which I applaud. :-)
The naked barber would indeed be standing behind you during a standard cut... but ask for a shampoo first and you'll spend 20 minutes lying face up over a sink with her breasts gently slapping your face as she massages the Timotei into your scalp. Hell. I may even ask for a beard trim while I'm there.
She's lying. End of.

Topless barbaring. I bet they get some nasty hair splinters in their nipples. Should be charging more.
Charles Bukowski has a great poem about how you should avoid a woman if all she's ever been in life is beautiful. Despite her best efforts, Caroline will grow old.

You said "jahoobies." Heh. Kind of takes all the sexy out of the equation.
Have you noticed how long her fingers are?
Billy: Whatever it was, she ought to name it 'Houdini' for escaping from her womb.

David: I don't know much about Instagram either, David. What are your views on pregnant women?

HermanTurnip: She later tried to cover her butt by saying all new mothers should be proud of their bodies. Not very convincing after her display of narcissism.

Steve: I salute your forethought and imagination. Wouldn't you enjoy it more if you shaved off your beard in advance?

Juliette: As one who has begat, your voice is the definitive one, Jules. Could the hair splinter problem be solved by blow-drying the boobies?

Exile: Indeed she will. Maybe she'll become an animal rights activist like Brigitte Bardot. I'm glad you find jahoobies unsexy. I wouldn't want you to visit this blog for the wrong reasons.

Hippo: Not until you mentioned it. What does it signify? Is she the kind of woman who gives her rivals a poke in the eye?
Can you get an app for the smart bra...then we'd know who to chat to, who to chat up and who to avoid like the plague...
Crushing baby heads with sit-ups cracked me up.

I am totally in favor of the topless haircut. I would likely get my eyes burned from shampoo in my eyes while trying to keep my eyes open during the hair washing.
My view of pregnant women? It depends on whether they are wearing shoes. I generally don't mind if they are.
Strange there would be an uproar about the fitness blogger when much of Western society is based on superficial values like the importance of physical appearance. Had no one ever noticed this might be wrong before? Perhaps it was the smirk on her face which ignited the backlash.
I applaud the the fitness blogger. Good for her! As for the negative comments, I can only assume it's out of jealousy.

As for the topless barber, wonder if she gets good tips. Too bad she didn't keep "abreast" of the licensing rules.

Imagine the questions from the barber:

"How long do you tend to go?"
"Ever think about just getting it snipped off? Less to worry about."
"When was your last one?"
"Shall I give you a blow?"

Just as well Caroline is not breast -feeding, GB. The poor mite would end up with stretch marks all over his face!
Nota Bene: That's a lot of information you're asking from a woman's bosom! Maybe a telepathy app will be developed in due course.

Dr Ken: But if you close you eyes, you might accidentally push your face against the boobies.

David: Would you mind if they were barefoot? Pregnant woman with bare feet have never caused me any aggravation.

Jimmy: The smirk on her face and the flatness of her tummy, Jimmy. Do you know any women who have had babies who could offer you their opinion?

Cocaine Princess: For some men, the size of the tip might be related to the size of the bust. For others, it would depend on how much "accidental" contact there was.

Robyn: Oooh Robyn, what saucy remarks! They'd get generous tips if they listened to your suggestions!

Joe: From opening its mouth too wide? I hope I never see a baby in such a predicament!
I wonder if my haircut would include a happy ending.
If so, sign me up.
I'm all for a topless female barber cutting what little hair I have remaining on my head. Sadly, like I alluded to, it would be a short visit.
They're not breasts, they're pecs. You'd think topless barber-ing would have health an safety issues with all those hot implements hanging around x
Gorilla, of course I know women who have had babies...but if I show them a pic of a scantily clad babe out of the blue... well, that is not typical behavior outside of a safari camp.
Al: That might mean a blow-dry rather than any other kind of happy ending.

Beach Bum: Well, maybe she'd give your bald head a shine with her boobs. That'd be worth a generous tip, right?

Scarlett: Do men need hot implements, Miss Scarlett? I thought only the ladies got that kind of treatment.

Jimmy: Showing them the picture would be fine because you have a legitimate question, which is: "Do you believe this woman gave birth 4 days ago?". There's no need to tread on tiptoes, Jimmy, no one is going to slap your face.
Barefoot pregnant women? That's when you most often hear, "I am."
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