Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Flat tummy mummy
Congratulations to Caroline Berg Ericksen, the “fitness blogger” who recently became a mother. Four days after giving birth, she proudly displayed a picture of her belly on Instagram. Everyone marvelled at how quickly it had reverted to a perfectly-toned “six-pack” once the ballast in her womb had been ejected.
Remarkable though her achievement is, one has to wonder how the baby fared in such a tight enclosure. Those powerful abdominal muscles would have squeezed its little head like a lemon every time its mother did her sit-up exercises. That wouldn’t have helped the development of its brain, which was probably already destined to be short of grey matter for hereditary reasons. No mammalian baby should be treated like the prey of a boa constrictor before taking its first breath.
Caroline’s post-natal pose has attracted negative comments from a number of women, who see it as an attempt to humiliate mothers who retain a natural roly-poly appearance after gestation. I doubt that was her intention. She was surely just expressing the boundless love she feels for her own body. Maybe she was also hoping to solicit a present from her fans. I personally think she deserves two – a pacifier for the baby and a gemstone for her belly button.
The miraculous compression of Caroline’s abdomen has diverted attention from her stupendous breasts. Maybe it’s just as well, given that they appear to contain more silicone than milk. It is fortunate for the baby that she probably has no intention of suckling it. An infant shouldn’t acquire a taste for synthetic substances that early in life.
Another problem with breast implants is that they might prevent the new smart bra from functioning properly. Microsoft created this product to monitor a woman’s moods and rhythms with electronic sensors. Perhaps a simple, sunny character like Caroline won’t need a smart bra because she is always in a good mood. Life can be a pleasant experience for those who get plenty of exercise and refrain from straining their brains.
While we’re on the subject of breasts, I was dismayed to hear that a woman working as a topless barber is being prosecuted in Colorado. The police say her arrest was for “practising cosmetology without a license” and had nothing to do with the exposure of her jahoobies. It sounds pretty fishy to me. Wasn’t Al Capone arrested for income tax evasion? If the state of Colorado has a problem with bare-breasted hairdressers, it ought to come clean instead of hiding behind legal technicalities.
The service she was offering doesn’t make a lot of sense in any case. Wouldn’t she be standing behind the customer with her breasts out of view for most of the haircut? It saddens me to think that men would fork out 45 bucks for the mere proximity of a woman’s naked bosom.
For my own part, I have never been groomed, nursed or otherwise obliged by a topless woman. I’ve got better things to do than waste my time on such tomfoolery.
Labels: fitness blogger, jahoobies, pregnancy, smart bra, topless barber
