Wednesday, September 18, 2013

The ballsy man syndrome

Scientists have discovered that men with big testicles don’t make good fathers. That doesn’t surprise me. Silverbacks of the big-cojoned persuasion have always left parenting duties to the females. Otherwise, they’d have to answer questions like:

“Daddy, what are those grapefruit doing in the sack between your legs?”

Not an easy one to answer if you’re trying to set an example of modest self-deprecation to the younger generation.

Big-balled men can easily avoid such questions by wearing baggy pants, but few of them have the patience to look after children. Back in my circus days, there was a brawny Puerto Rican who performed stunts on horses. His name was Miguel de Bolas and his nut-sack was visibly well-packed. I once spit out a cherry stone in his direction and it hit him between the eyes, which prompted him to say:

“Hey buddy, I fock your modder in de ass!”

This was one of his favourite salutations.

“A wise man does not put his appendage in places he cannot extract it from,” I replied aphoristically.

He was not a wise man, of course. Most of his evenings were spent in taverns, looking for women to bewilder and men to insult. After one of these excursions, he surfaced next morning with bruises on his face. When the ringmaster asked him what had happened, Miguel said “You should a seen de udder guy.”

Suspecting that his macho behaviour was related to his oversized gonads, the circus doctor gave him female sex hormones, telling him that the pills would keep his skin healthy. We knew the treatment was working when he praised Rock Hudson:

“Dat guy was better-lookin' den der womans he kissed,” said Miguel, after watching a re-run of McMillan and Wife.

You don’t say things like that about Rock Hudson unless the male and female aspects of your personality are in balance.

Miguel’s case history makes me wonder what happens to virile men when they grow old. Empirical evidence on this question is provided by a 74-year-old Brazilian man who is planning to marry a goat. Aparecido Castaldo has fathered eight children from four different wives, so we can reasonably surmise that his testicles have served him well and are probably in rude heath as we speak. However, Senor Castaldo has no intention of consummating his nuptials with the lovely Carmelita, who ate her first wedding dress and will be provided with another. He explains his intentions thus:

“Whenever someone says I am doing something wrong, I reply the goat does not speak, ask for money to go shopping, and doesn’t get pregnant – and she can’t talk.”

Fascinating that the qualities he most admires in his fiancé are things that she doesn’t do rather than does. He isn’t concerned that she won’t be able to make him a cup of tea, but maybe none of his previous wives did that either. The moral of the story seems to be that a former stud will fall in love with anyone who refrains from nagging him and eats all the leftovers.

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Hello handsome... I can only imagine that the grapefruit you smuggle are quite hefty given the way the female gorilla of your camp flock to your hammock at night =)
LOL I am always surprised about your subjects to write about. I shouldn't be and should expect it by now.
I'm at a loss of what to say which is unusual. I'm OK with big gonads and that, but a widowed, stone cutter who is ACTUALLY going to marry his goat? What the hell is wrong with people? Maybe he'll get pissed off with the fact that she can't knock up a sunday roast or iron his shirts and end up eating her for dinner one day. Would that be an official divorce?
How, in God's name, did they obtain the funding to conduct this study? And what man is going to submit to a testicle measurement? Scientific study fail.

I love when you write in dialect.

@Juliette: Quick to judge this morning, aren't we?

I thought tis was bad and then I read about the 40yr old Zimbabwean woman who is marrying her 23yr old son. She's pregnant with his child and feels that no other woman has more rights than her over him. Eeeks. Sick. Both ways.
Since female hormones changed Miguel's behavior so drastically, I wonder what treatment Senor Castaldo is undergoing? Maybe canine hormones that turned him into a publicity hound?
I think he may be in for a surprise if he thinks goats can't talk. I know it's a dog, but really I can hardly tell the difference...
Auri: Well, I don't like to boast about these things, Auri. Let's just say they're big enough to get the job done!

Rose: You should always expect to be surprised, Rose. It's the key to surviving in the jungle.

Jules: I think he loves her for her personality, Jules. Domestic chores are irrelevant to him. Rather than him eating her, she'll eat his trousers.

Exile: Science has no boundaries, my friend. Knowledge must advance on all fronts, and there will always be those prepared to be guinea pigs for a small cash stipend. Was Miguel speaking in dialect? I just thought he had a funny accent.

Jaya: So the man's siblings will also be his step-children. Let's hope they don't have children themselves. Imagine having a father who was also your half-brother.

David: He's either a publicity hound or a mad dog. Do you feel sorry for the goat?

Nota Bene: A dog that does that for humans has no dignity. What a sorry performance for a descendent of the wolf.
those guys from ac/dc must have been terrible fathers!
Gay marriage must be legal there. Isn't that what Americans fear? If we let the gay people marry, they are going to want to marry non-humans.
I am unable to comment on most of this because of inhibitions. Humans are very inhibited creatures. Thanks to you, Gorilla, I learned a new word: "aphoristic." When I looked it up it said it meant a "tersely phrased statement." Which then led me to have to look up "terse." Anywho, perhaps now I should look up the world "inhibited" to see if I used it correctly, but why bother, because I am sure you can tell me what it means, Gorilla. So, what does it mean?
Big balls are analogous to obscenely large vegetables... they look impressive but their internal goodness is compromised by their abnormal size.
Why...that old goat....
Hey, all it took for me to marry Karin was knowing she could cook, and she could beat me in arm wrestling. I now live in constant fear that she'll abuse me, but at least I won't go hungry. It's a give-and-take sorta thing... ;-)
Now that you mention it, I do feel some sympathy for the goat. It doesn't look happy. Maybe a life of celibacy with an old codger is not what it wanted out of life. It can probably get away with practicing infidelity though and stick the old man with more grandchildren or would that be goat children?
Do you thinking he's being truthful about not consummating the marriage, GB? I'm skeptical. He looks rather infatuated.

Billy: I'm not so sure. Didn't they put socks in their pants?

Ruth: I think they're afraid of gay animals getting married, like the penguins in Parks and Recreation.

Jimmy: The word "terse" isn't important in the definition of "aphoristic". It's a pity it distracted you from its true meaning. I think you used the word "inhibited" correctly. It means you don't want to think about the size of your testicles.

Steve: Spoken like an wonderful father.

Al: I hope you're not talking about the lovely Carmelita, who is as young and fresh as any blushing bride.

HermanTurnip: Can't you get her to abuse you in an enjoyable way? A dutiful wife should be willing to do that for her husband.

David: Your insights on goat psychology are admirable. I think they'd be "stepchildren".

Robyn: I think he meant it when he said it, Robyn, but who knows what will happen on the wedding night?
IThe fact that he had to mention he wasn't planning on consummating the marriage is disturbing a bit. It makes me wonder if there were people out there who thought he was going to make love to goat on his wedding night. I'm at a loss for words at this story.

I like goats, but sometimes you just need a woman's touch on some things...your balls, for example.

Plus, goats have a habit of kicking things, which is fine until they come into contact with your balls.
Goats always make better wives than donkeys
And those guys with big nuts probably produce more sperm, so they are also the most prolific bad fathers. How sad.

In other news, I love that topless interview in the last post! I would be way more into politics if more interview of politicians were done in that format!
The tagging on this article alone, is worth the read. How often do I get to read something about "bestiality, big balls, marriage, parenting". That's like the Bermuda Rhombus, right there, it is.
Cocaine: It's happened before, Miss Princess. An African man was forced to marry a goat he had sex with a few years ago.

Chris: Why do your balls need to be touched at all? I'm sure they'd be quite happy if they were left to swing in peace.

Hipster Yaya: I don't believe the video you linked provides conclusive evidence on the question.

Dr Ken: Yes, it's sad. If only women ran away from big-balled men. It may not be easy to get your point across when being interviewed by a topless woman.

Megly MC: I'm glad you said "rhombus" rather than "square". Kinky!
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