Wednesday, September 18, 2013
The ballsy man syndrome
“Daddy, what are those grapefruit doing in the sack between your legs?”
Not an easy one to answer if you’re trying to set an example of modest self-deprecation to the younger generation.
Big-balled men can easily avoid such questions by wearing baggy pants, but few of them have the patience to look after children. Back in my circus days, there was a brawny Puerto Rican who performed stunts on horses. His name was Miguel de Bolas and his nut-sack was visibly well-packed. I once spit out a cherry stone in his direction and it hit him between the eyes, which prompted him to say:
“Hey buddy, I fock your modder in de ass!”
This was one of his favourite salutations.
“A wise man does not put his appendage in places he cannot extract it from,” I replied aphoristically.
He was not a wise man, of course. Most of his evenings were spent in taverns, looking for women to bewilder and men to insult. After one of these excursions, he surfaced next morning with bruises on his face. When the ringmaster asked him what had happened, Miguel said “You should a seen de udder guy.”
Suspecting that his macho behaviour was related to his oversized gonads, the circus doctor gave him female sex hormones, telling him that the pills would keep his skin healthy. We knew the treatment was working when he praised Rock Hudson:
“Dat guy was better-lookin' den der womans he kissed,” said Miguel, after watching a re-run of McMillan and Wife.
You don’t say things like that about Rock Hudson unless the male and female aspects of your personality are in balance.
Miguel’s case history makes me wonder what happens to virile men when they grow old. Empirical evidence on this question is provided by a 74-year-old Brazilian man who is planning to marry a goat. Aparecido Castaldo has fathered eight children from four different wives, so we can reasonably surmise that his testicles have served him well and are probably in rude heath as we speak. However, Senor Castaldo has no intention of consummating his nuptials with the lovely Carmelita, who ate her first wedding dress and will be provided with another. He explains his intentions thus:
“Whenever someone says I am doing something wrong, I reply the goat does not speak, ask for money to go shopping, and doesn’t get pregnant – and she can’t talk.”
Fascinating that the qualities he most admires in his fiancé are things that she doesn’t do rather than does. He isn’t concerned that she won’t be able to make him a cup of tea, but maybe none of his previous wives did that either. The moral of the story seems to be that a former stud will fall in love with anyone who refrains from nagging him and eats all the leftovers.
Labels: bestiality, big balls, marriage, parenting
