Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Ginger's confession

Ginger Spice has admitted trying to seduce George Michael when she was an aspiring starlet and he was a pretty boy singer.

“I’d made plans to marry him,” she explained. “I used to practice kissing his poster. Then we met and I started being all flirty-eyed, licking my lips and doing the sexy poses.”

Her wet lips did not win a kiss from her idol, which was probably just as well. It couldn’t possibly have matched the thrill she got from kissing his poster. It seems that George simply ignored her advances and blathered on about his latest hairdo. How good-natured of Ginger to bear no grudges and blame her faulty gaydar. It warms the cockles of my heart that she and George are now bosom buddies:

“He's the only celebrity friend I have, aside from the Spice Girls, that I tell all my secrets to,” said Ginger.

Let’s hope he keeps them.

It takes a big woman to admit falling in love with a gay man and trying, unsuccessfully, to make his pants bulge. I’m sure many single women have made the same mistake. It must be incredibly difficult for them to detect which of the dapper young men they meet is only good for fashion tips and shopping excursions.

We jungle apes use smell to sniff out the gay primates. That doesn’t work for humans, because of the widespread use of scented toiletries. Nearly all men smell gay nowadays. That’s why women have to rely on subtle cues, like the curl of the eyebrow or the stiffness of the gait. Unfortunately, it’s easy to ignore such signals when the hormones are raging.

Personally, I think it’s bad manners for a gay man to spurn the sexual favours of a nubile young woman. Whatever happened to closing your eyes and thinking of Johnny Weissmuller? No man ever died from letting an attractive woman jump all over him. Worse things have happened at sea. Nor can anyone be sure that they’re same-sex orientated until they’ve tried it with someone of the opposite gender. All the best gay men have slept with women, including Oscar Wilde and Pee-wee Herman.

Someone once told me that human sexuality was a continuum, ranging from ultra-straight at one end to utterly queer at the other, with most people somewhere in-between. I can well believe it. Even macho movie stars like Sly Stallone must be slightly gay to masquerade in front of a camera wearing make-up. John Wayne looked camper than a row of tents when he was stroking his horse.

Should there be an award for the straightest leading man? My main worry is that undeserving actors like George Clooney or Russell Crowe would win it. The strongest candidate I can think of is Gerard Depardieu. It is inconceivable that anyone with the slightest hint of gayness would allow his body to take on the shape of a potato. He was also recently fined for riding a scooter while intoxicated. That doesn’t seem like something a gay man would do. 

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In the 1990 s a friend ( straight woman ) seduced me after - a few beers.
It's very common
Wait a moment. Pee-Wee's gay? I honestly had no idea.

Excuse me...I'm off to Google this factoid. Regardless of the outcome, I'll never part with my Pee-Wee's Playhouse DVD box set. No way in hell. My kid's going to dig these someday...
I couldn't care less if a celebrity is straight or gay or somewhere in between. There is zero chance any of them are ever going to proposition me. However if they make pictures or videos and I'm alone and horny, I might look/watch.
Gerard Depardieu in his entirety is something no gay man would do.

Ungallant of me to say so, possibly even unGallic, but it must be said, so I said it.

In regards to your suggestion that gay chaps should accept the advances of females, should such a novelty occur, possibly due to a disturbance in the national grid during an especially dark evening or by contamination of feminine yoghurt products with Depardieu pheromones. Is it true that, as in space, in the boudoir no-one can hear you scream?

...and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream and scream until your sanity pops out of your ear and runs away, screaming and screaming and screaming in a tiny sanity-voice...
There's been suspicion that George Clooney is gay I think, GB. I don't know. He just seems pretty asexual to me.

Haha this is wonderful - imagine if her seduction had worked, it would have made for a cracking E! life documentary x
No, no, no. I remember watching James Bond's Golden eye and definitely saw a man die after a woman jumped all over him
John Gray: I'm proud of both of you... but maybe a little more proud of her.

HermanTurnip: The actor who plays him is openly gay. Pee-wee might still be in the closet.

David: It might be useful to know which way they swing before using their videos.

The Owl Wood: Don't be such a coward - it's not half as bad as you imagine. Oscar Wilde did it without complaining.

Robyn: His sister publicly denied he was gay, which made me a little suspicious. I think he likes women's bodies but not their minds.

Scarlett: I doubt Ginger would have turned him, but it would have been a feather in her cap to have pulled it off once.

Nota Bene: Hah yes, Miss Onatopp! But her thighs were like nutcrackers!
Is it also bad manners for a straight man to spurn the advances of a nubile young man?

Also, I am sure there is a group of people somewhere with a fetish for potato-shaped individuals.
I always thought humans should greet each other by sniffing their butts, like cats. Alas, civilisation has ruined us! Imagine how much easier conferences would be if we could simply decipher someone's argument by a nice sniff of hormones.
it seems like the people that are the most anti-gay are closet gays themselves. ie, j edgar hoover.

life would be so much easier if they all wore pink ribbons.
Mr Bananas, sir, sorry for taking so long to track you down and pass comment.

Thanks you, sir, for the compassionate comment with regards to farmer Ted's balls. Believe me, squire, he has the proverbial balls of steel, and was only out of action for a couple of hours.

Sorry, although your bog was fascinating to read, an old man like myself is sadly out-of-touch with all these celebrities and their status.

From the moors of Dartmoor, sir, I wish you well. Until next time, I wish you much luck and happiness.
It shows how far we have come regarding sexuality, to consider that at one time few people had a clue that George Michael was gay. In regards to Gerard Depardieu, if he is truly turning into a potato, this could be the next stage of human biological evolution... which would open the door to you apes ascending back into being the supreme power on earth (such as is portrayed in that Charleton Heston movie).
Makes you wonder what their child would have looked like if George had surrendered to Geri and managed to inseminate her. Someone ginger who could sing...

Does Mick Hucknall know who is parents are?
I don't think I've ever seen a movie where John Wayne was stroking his horse.
Maybe on Cinemax...?
Maybe she turned him gay.
Ms Ninja: I don't think so, Ms Ninja. You don't have to say 'yes' if there's a risk of injury. Cannibals might like a potato-shaped human.

Flippy Doodle: Well, there's no need to sniff anyone's butt - just a gentle waft from the underarm should suffice.

Billy: I believe Hoover was a transvestite as well as gay, so maybe he was really a transsexual. Just as well he had to keep it in the closet - he wouldn't have made an attractive woman.

Farmer Giles: Thank you, Farmer Giles: your congenial words are always appreciated.

Jimmy: Well, Ginger didn't have a clue, but I suspect quite a few others were in the know. The apes in Planet of the Apes are nothing like real apes. I've never seen an orang-utan as pig-headed and arrogant as Dr Zaius.

Steve: Yes, he ought to have impregnated her many times and raised a family like the von Trapps. Having a gay father is a boon for children in show business. Hucknall was delivered by a stork or possibly a red-crested pelican.

Al: Have another look at Rio Bravo. The Duke took good care of his animals.

Crazy Mama: A shocking thought, Crazy Mama. Ginger was Grade A totty in her day.
Giddy up!
What is with Depardieu? Whenever he’s in the news, it’s never good! If he’s not urinating in the aisle ways of an airplane’s he’s intoxicated.

BTW, You’re so right, he does look like a potato! Good call on that, GB.

Before George Michaels came out of the closet I remember he was quite the ladies man, he always had some hot pretty young thing on his arm much-- like George Clooney.

PS. Oscar Wilde was gay?

Yep Gorilla, you have a valid point about knowing which way they swing. Someone told me that after 60, you should never waste an erection.

Sometimes though, in the morning, I really have to pee. Oh wait, should I not have shared that?
I hear the name George Micheal and I immediately think of Arrested Development.
Everyone is gay (nowadays). Gay is the new straight. Get with the times, Bananas. Now I must get back to crocheting my ball cage for the gay pride parade. Later!
Mr Bananas, sir, I apologise most profusely for the time it has taken me to respond to your kind and humble comment.

I did indeed enjoy your jestful remark with reference to Dr Doolittle, and am inclined to agree with you wholeheartedly that this can often be the case.

I wish you well, sir, from Dartmoor, England, and hope that the sun does indeed shine on you, sir.
Isn't that nice? The Spice Girls still think they are somebodies.
Al: Horses love it when you talk dirty to them.

Cocaine Princess: Gerard Depardieu lacks self-control. That explains his shape, his utterances, and his behaviour. Poor Oscar Wilde: he was imprisoned for being gay.

David: So you can't get it up again after you pee? That must be quite a disappointment.

DWei: When I hear the words 'Arrested Development' I think of Portia de Rossi.

Static: Be careful you don't get outed as a metrosexual. No one likes a faker.

Farmer Giles: Glad you're having good weather, Farmer Giles!

Ruth: Ginger certainly does. The UN made her a special ambassador!
I'm only metrosexual Tuesday through Thursday during non-leap years. Shh, don't tell anyone.
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