Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Oral hygiene

Michael Douglas has confessed that his recent ordeal with throat cancer was caused by acts of an oral nature performed on innumerable grateful women. The manager of the safari camp has reacted to this news by moping about with the face of a condemned man.

“I’m doomed,” he confided to me. “This is what happens when you go out of your way to please women, GB. Be wise and learn from my downfall.”

“Pull yourself together, manager!” I exclaimed. “There’s nothing to worry about unless you have the human papillomavirus. Why don’t you have a blood test to put your mind at rest?”

“What if I test positive?” he asked

I scratched my head and thought carefully before replying.

“If that lamentable eventuality should occur, I’d be obliged if you left me your nose hair trimmer.”

It’s a particularly poignant tragedy when someone contracts a deadly disease by giving pleasure to others. I blame the scientific community for not doing more to develop effective countermeasures. If they can pasteurize milk and pickle herrings, there must be a way of making the coochie safe for human consumption. Why can’t they create a sauce that would destroy all the virulent bugs while adding flavour to the dish? It’s never a bad idea to give people an incentive to take precautions.

One has to feel sorry for Mrs Zeta-Douglas, of course. I hope her husband makes it clear that the infected snatch he slurped on belongs to another lady, preferably one he savoured in his carefree bachelor days. An actress renowned for her beauty doesn’t want the public to think she’s a purveyor of poisonous juices. It’s hard to admire a woman’s face when you believe her nether regions are corrupted by a malignant effluvium.

Mr Douglas isn’t the only celebrity who’s been making statements of potential embarrassment to his spouse. At a recent awards ceremony, Victoria Spice found it necessary to elevate a microphone before addressing the hall.

“Oh I have to raise this, that doesn’t happen often!” she quipped.

The audience immediately understood this to be a reference to her husband’s manly appendage and roared with laughter. Mr Becks was not at the event, but the couple’s son was, which caused Victoria to repent of her bawdy remark:

“Oh my God I’m so sorry Brooklyn, they told me to be funny but that was completely off the cuff!” she said.

If Mr Becks is not man enough to give Victoria a regular seeing to, this intelligence should have been guarded like a state secret. Let’s hope Brooklyn recovers from the shock of hearing his mummy make light of daddy’s waning potency. A teenage boy who discovers his father is having problems in the stiffy department might well begin to doubt his own ability to raise the Jolly Roger.

Now that the cat is out of the bag, perhaps young Brooklyn should be sent to Michael Douglas for counselling. No one is better qualified to give advice on surviving the damage caused by a careless tongue.

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Given the pinched nature of Victoria's mug I'd be inclined to prefer addressing myself to her nether regions anyway... given her singing voice I would hope she can at least hum pleasantly down below.
If Jacob Zuma can get away with raping an HIV positive woman simply by stating the act was perfectly OK because he took a shower afterwards, maybe this man should have brushed his teeth more often.

As you point out, though, I am sure his wife was so thrilled at this revelation, fur burger for Michael is off the menu.
Given the state of mr Douglas' wrinkled visage....I would have thought that any sexual partner would prefer him " down there"
I thought Listerine killed 99% of all germs. Michael should have swallowed some of that stuff after drinking from the furry cup.
haha, the first thing I though of when I read about this was how pissed of Catherine must have been of him 'outing' her sneaky snatch. xx
are there any pleasures in our lives that aren't hazardous to our health?
So...did Roger Ebert get cancer of the salivary gland from dining down south as well? The morbidly curious would like to know.
I still don't understand how one can get cancer from oral sex, because cancer is about your blood cells, right? I'm confused, GB. But I don't really want to understand it. I do feel for Catherine. I'm also bewildered by the fact that the most slimy of philanderers always seem to be the ones married to the most gorgeous women. Why go elsewhere?

If you'll please excuse me on this one I shall immediately go and begin a new Airfix model kit, something with lots of distracting pieces to ward off the old-nellie shudders.

It is ungallant of me to say so, but Victoria must look like a human zylophone when disrobed. Does the woman ever eat? Food I mean?
I meant, of course, xylophone, but my chellspecker derided othawize.
Steve: Hum down below? Wouldn't it be easier for her to whistle?

Hippo: The only positive thing I can say about Jacob Zuma is that he isn't Mugabe.

John Gray: Don't you think he's better looking than Liberace was, though?

Keeping it real: Listerine is good stuff, but you'd have to gargle very deep to kill all the bugs.

Scarlett: I really hope it wasn't her snatch. The wife shouldn't be to blame.

Billy: Good question, Billy. I believe there are some innocuous board games like Ludo.

Herman: I had to look up his bio. Poor fellow. Looking at his pictures, I would guess it had some other cause.

Robyn: It's also the main cause of cervical cancer, Robyn. In a minority of cases, when the infection persists, it causes cell damage. Maybe Catherine thought she would change him. Did he do any philandering after he married her?

Sir Hutson: Nellie shudders! You better patent that one or make it your catch phrase. For a woman as thin as Victoria to disgorge human babies from her body is a miracle of Nature.
Oh...when I read Mrs Beckhams comment, I understood it to mean that David was always standing to attention...I must now reflect on whether he has fallen from glory
I recommend that David Beckham go rent "Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me" to learn the secrets of getting your mojo back. Or maybe he shouldn't even try to get his mojo back. As Michael Douglas has discovered sex isn't all that it is whacked up to be.
Whistle? She's such a tight arse only dogs would hear her.
Isn't Zeta-Douglas in rehab? Or just out? Boy, those Hollywood people are never dull. I guess that's why we all want to be like them.

Brooklyn is a pretentious name. Sorry but I call it like I see it.
That turn of phrase should be used in sexual health PSAs: "Defend your nether regions from malignant effluvium - use protection!"
Nota Bene: Mr Becks fell from glory when he got sent off against Argentina in the World Cup. Who knows how often he stands to attention these days?

Jimmy: You could be right Jimmy, he probably thinks sex is a chore. He needs to replace it with something wholesome, though. Skydiving is what President Bush senior did. Otherwise there's a risk he may hire women who look like Lucy Lawless to whip his butt.

Steve: The dogs would smell her too if her arse were involved. Queefs don't smell, do they?

Exile: A very pretentious name given that his parents are from Essex. They should have called him Dagenham.

Sarcastic Ninja: I thought it had a 19th century ring to it. Something Dr Van Helsing might have said about Dracula's wives.
Whatever happened to what stays in the bedroom happens in the bedroom? There is such a thing as too much information but then again some are praising Michael Douglas for going public about it and raising awareness.

Off the cuff...? What does that have to do with sleeves?
I didn't even know this was possible and am completely grossed out.
After a year of NOT reading or writing...I come home to this?? WOW Mr. GB!!! I have so missed your informative essays!
Now to go convince hubby to get tested! ;-)
The Jolly Roger hahahaha Now I won't be able to raise the snake or drain the lizzard without bursting into laughter. My lawyer will contact you between now and the next full moon.
Cocaine Princess: He's not the most discreet fellow, Miss Princess, but at least he didn't name names.

Al: Have I missed a double entendre or did you misread "cuff" for "chuff"?

Crazy Mama: I agree, Crazy Mama. The story does leave a bad taste in the mouth.

MartyrMom: Welcome back, Martyr Mom! I hope you hubby heeds your advice!

Blue Grumpster: There's no need for lawyers. Just think of something boring, like a session of the European parliament.
When it comes to Sharon Stones bare ass in that picture, I would take my chances with the throat cancer.
I think her bare ass is safe to kiss, Dr Ken.
A session of the European parliament... Yawn you were saying? I'm told there a two-drink minimum.
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