Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Oral hygiene
“I’m doomed,” he confided to me. “This is what happens when you go out of your way to please women, GB. Be wise and learn from my downfall.”
“Pull yourself together, manager!” I exclaimed. “There’s nothing to worry about unless you have the human papillomavirus. Why don’t you have a blood test to put your mind at rest?”
“What if I test positive?” he asked
I scratched my head and thought carefully before replying.
“If that lamentable eventuality should occur, I’d be obliged if you left me your nose hair trimmer.”
It’s a particularly poignant tragedy when someone contracts a deadly disease by giving pleasure to others. I blame the scientific community for not doing more to develop effective countermeasures. If they can pasteurize milk and pickle herrings, there must be a way of making the coochie safe for human consumption. Why can’t they create a sauce that would destroy all the virulent bugs while adding flavour to the dish? It’s never a bad idea to give people an incentive to take precautions.
One has to feel sorry for Mrs Zeta-Douglas, of course. I hope her husband makes it clear that the infected snatch he slurped on belongs to another lady, preferably one he savoured in his carefree bachelor days. An actress renowned for her beauty doesn’t want the public to think she’s a purveyor of poisonous juices. It’s hard to admire a woman’s face when you believe her nether regions are corrupted by a malignant effluvium.
Mr Douglas isn’t the only celebrity who’s been making statements of potential embarrassment to his spouse. At a recent awards ceremony, Victoria Spice found it necessary to elevate a microphone before addressing the hall.
“Oh I have to raise this, that doesn’t happen often!” she quipped.
The audience immediately understood this to be a reference to her husband’s manly appendage and roared with laughter. Mr Becks was not at the event, but the couple’s son was, which caused Victoria to repent of her bawdy remark:
“Oh my God I’m so sorry Brooklyn, they told me to be funny but that was completely off the cuff!” she said.
If Mr Becks is not man enough to give Victoria a regular seeing to, this intelligence should have been guarded like a state secret. Let’s hope Brooklyn recovers from the shock of hearing his mummy make light of daddy’s waning potency. A teenage boy who discovers his father is having problems in the stiffy department might well begin to doubt his own ability to raise the Jolly Roger.
Now that the cat is out of the bag, perhaps young Brooklyn should be sent to Michael Douglas for counselling. No one is better qualified to give advice on surviving the damage caused by a careless tongue.
Labels: embarrassing jokes, human papillomavirus, Michael Douglas, oral sex, Victoria Spice
