Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Hairy crab

I hope David Hasselhoff doesn’t sue the scientists who named a species of crab after him. They decided to call the creature “The Hoff” because it farms a colony of bacteria on its hairy chest. They surely aren’t implying the real Hoff grows bacteria on his chest, although it might occur by accident after he hugs his girlfriend. The Hoff is so tall that her mouth would be smooching his chest, causing a potential transfer of oral cooties. He could avoid this mishap by lifting her off her feet before clasping her to his bosom, but such precautions are easily forgotten in the heat of the moment.

If the Hoff ever runs short of cash, he should consider selling his chest hairs to the Chinese, who are manufacturing a new brand of anti-pervert pantyhose. These stockings are coated with real human hair, so that girls who put them on appear to have hairy legs. This allows them to wear hot pants and miniskirts without attracting the attention of dirty old men. The main disadvantage is that worthy gallants would also be discouraged from approaching them. Another possible drawback is unwanted attention from male chimpanzees (but not male gorillas, who only pursue females in oestrus).

The Japanese are a different race from the Chinese and far more advanced in their perversions. Their women have had to endure being groped by dirty old men for decades, particularly on crowded commuter trains. The latest deviant fetish to have gripped Japan is “oculolinctus” or “worming”, where people lick each other’s eyeballs. All the medical experts agree that the practice is evil, unhygienic and far worse than growing bacteria on your chest.

“No good can come of this,” declared Dr David Ganet of San Diego. “If a person hasn't washed out their mouth, they might put acid from citrus products or spices into the eye.”

He should have cautioned that washing out your mouth with a powerful mouthwash might cause the eye to dissolve. In truth, eyeball-licking is only safe for creatures like lizards, which do not eat spicy food or citrus fruit and never use mouthwash. What’s more, they only practice auto-oculolinctus – I have never seen a lizard lick the eyeball of another lizard.

These kinky news items from the Orient make the confessions of Hollywood celebrities seem very tame by comparison. In a recent interview, the actress Zoe Saldana told that she prefers to live life in the nude:

I’m always naked,” she said. “That’s why I have to be careful with whoever walks through the door. If I ever have my gardeners walking around, I always have to draw the curtains.”

I suppose this story might cause a few desperate people to wonder what her naked body looks like, but it’s not a revelation that provokes much excitement these days. If Zoe wants to stay in the limelight, she’ll have to do more interesting things than take her clothes off. She could start by licking something unusual and telling us about it.

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I, too, am usually naked -- although since buying those Chinese stockings you'd never know it.

wow, movies come and go but having a species named after you is a true legacy. good to see the hoff getting his dues.
You japing apes could start sell your extra hair to the Chinese.
Chest hair to hairy pantyhose to eyeball licking to a naked Zoe Saldana.
And Japing Ape absolutely STICKS the landing!
Well played, sir.
"The Hoff" is a fantastic little factoid you've unearthed. And I thought it was going to be just another dull Tuesday evening. Thank you.

Sexual assault has nothing whatsoever to do with physical attraction. Even old ladies are assaulted. No kidding.

I had to right-click-search for oestrus. God! Where do you get these from!?
No. No. No. The Chinese would want to cultivate that glorious chest of man hair, ensuring a renewable crop that they could then harvest and sell has a penis enlargement solution or a cure for insomnia.
I've always thought of The Hoff as an oversized man-crab.
Please send my cordial felicitations to Zoe Salad in Hollywood, whomever she may be. I thought that I was the only one, striding around Owl Towers as I do the way Nature and Herr Doctor Professor Frankenstein intended. In only my pith helmet and monocle. She needs our support.

Actually, she can have my support, since I rarely wear it these days either (it leaves an unfortunate tan line - even the loose-weave string one).

Splendid, just splendid.
Pearl: That's very open of you, Pearl. Personally, I'd rather see you in your natural untrimmed condition.

Billy: I doubt the Hoff will appreciate it. A man with his ego would want a big hairy beast to be named after him, not a small hairy one.

Crazy Mama: If you give me a trim, I'll let you keep the clippings for free, Crazy Mama.

Al: I'm not sure what 'sticking the landing' involves, but I'll take it as a compliment. Thank you, Sir!

Exile: I believe it's spelled "Estrus" in America. I'm not convinced that sexual assault is purely about power. Don't the villains who prey on old ladies have a fetish for them?

HermannTurnip: Ah yes, the Chinese are prone to these silly superstitions. Is not rhino horn made from the same substance as hair and nails?

Steve: An inedible one, I presume. Where is his shell?

Sir Hutson: I didn't know who she was either, but when I saw her name in print I did my homework. I suggest you make a similar effort unless you want people to think you're an out-of-touch fuddy duddy. I can't imagine who would be interested in your sartorial habits. Maybe that old lady you passed on your morning stroll?
This got me humming/singing the theme song from HAIR! Remember that? No. Oh well. Anyway I'm intrigued about this discovery of hair stockings. You know us guys lose the hair on our legs and feet at a certain age. I hate that! Old bald feet are ugly! Maybe I'll check into the stockings...

About the licking thing, I dunno. I once dated a woman who said she licked everything.
I think fake chest hair on a woman might be a good plan to put men off too, and it would keep up nice and warm.
The solution is simple. The Japanese should just get pet lizards and use the lizards to lick each others' eyeballs. In China there are many more men than women because of the government's one child per family policy, and their submissive attitude towards abortion. So less attractive Chinese men might want to consider cutting out the hairy legged middle woman and just marrying a lizard.
So that photo of the hairy stockings describes them as "super sexy" in the same breath as "anti-pervert." I think their marketing person was confused about the goal of this product.
Inedible? Certainly. I wasn't thinking seafood, more the pubic lice variety.
Anti - pervert-pantyhose...really. Im baffled. Just put some bloody trousers on.

As for the Japanese. Bonkers. Licking eyeballs. Gross beyond imagination and how the hell that get's you off I've no idea. Please help me understand..

As for Zoe, well, she needs some of those hairy tights! Maybe her gardener can prune them.
David: Good Morning Starshine? It's a shame you weren't born with hairy legs and feet, like a gorilla. The woman you dated sounds quite adventurous - I hope you took her to some interesting places.

Broken Biro: I'm sure you're right, but fake chest hair is never very convincing. False whiskers might be a better idea.

Jimmy: The Chinese believe they are descended from a dragon, which is essentially a big lizard. This might have a positive or negative effect on their decision to marry a lizard. The snake is another hairless creature they could marry. Do not despise the snake for having no horns, for who is to say that it will not become a dragon?

Sarcastic Ninja: They must have meant "super sexy to a chimpanzee". Disclosing adverse side effects is good practice.

Steve: The Hoff has pubic cooties? That's quite a bombshell. I wonder whom he got them from.

Juliette: Maybe some people are turned on by any kind of tongue foreplay, Jules. I don't think Zoe's gardener would prune her unless he got paid the same fee as her hair stylist. We live in a mercenary age.
This seems very odd, GB. Why is Zoe afraid of her gardeners seeing her naked, when she doesn't mind the world getting a glimpse? Are her gardeners under age? Prudish? Anti-nudists?

Nah...gimme a head with hair...
Let it fly in the breeze
And get caught in the trees
Give a home to the fleas in my hair
A home for fleas
A hive for bees
A nest for birds
There ain't no words
For the beauty, the splendor, the wonder
Of my...

The licker had probs. Turns out the reason she licked everything was to stick. I couldn't have licker stuck to me, so I split.

Oh to be Frodo!
Mr Bananas, sir, thank you most humbly for your kind comment. Well, it sure was not a Welshman, that is for sure, because those taffy fellows from the valleys sing strange and funny anthemic songs at rugby matches, and do nothing much more than make sheep nervous with their sexual desires and perversions and such. At least that is the word over here on the moor.

Just like The Beast of Bodmin Moor, yes, we do indeed have wild pumas roaming around. I have even seen them with my very own eyes. And, when a younger man, I had, on several occasions, the fortunate and fearsome experience of encountering no lesser than a handful of these beasts, and lived to tell the tale.

Good day , sir, and be merry with it.

Farmer Giles, always glad to help.

I only lick tits and pussies.
Hairy Nylons- those legs look like they belong to Robin Williams. It's saddening that its still women who must modify their appearance to be safer, rather than men changing their behavior. Hopefully this won't breed a new brand of perverts who have a hairy stocking fetish.

I can see the similarity. Just like a crab The Hoff also stumbles around sideways when he walks...though for different reasons. I don't know if it's better or worse than scientists naming a horsefly after Beyonce.

It's such a liberating feeling being nude, especially when you've been in a bra all day. When I get home I just toss my bra aside! Feels damn good!

Perhaps Zoe Saldana should allow the gardeners in - simply to trim her bush and do a little bulb planting. Thanks for the warning about eyeball licking - I will now stick to the anus instead.
Robyn: The gardeners have shears, Robyn. They might take it as an invitation to prune her remaining tufts.

David: I looked it up. The prologue starts "She asked me why I'm just a hairy guy". That could have been written for a gorilla.

Farmer Giles: Is that so? Well, the original Farmer Giles had to deal with a dragon, so maybe you've got off lightly by comparison. Ever thought of inviting Davy Attenborough to your parts to film these elusive felines?

BBC: Not fond of ice cream, then? Best to avoid dairy products, I suppose.

Cocaine Princess: I never knew they named a horsefly after Beyonce. I hope it's an attractive insect - one shouldn't insult a lady without good cause. I sigh in contented empathy for your liberated puppies, Miss Princess.

Mr Pudding: I'm not 100% certain the anus is safer, so you may want to do some research. Maybe it's OK if the orifice has been well douched.
Do the cats mind?
Sticking the landing IS a compliment. Nicely done.
The cats don't mind hairy legs but are firmly opposed to licking eyeballs. On naked women they are ambivalent.
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