Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Hairy crab
I hope David Hasselhoff doesn’t sue the scientists who named a species of crab after him. They decided to call the creature “The Hoff” because it farms a colony of bacteria on its hairy chest. They surely aren’t implying the real Hoff grows bacteria on his chest, although it might occur by accident after he hugs his girlfriend. The Hoff is so tall that her mouth would be smooching his chest, causing a potential transfer of oral cooties. He could avoid this mishap by lifting her off her feet before clasping her to his bosom, but such precautions are easily forgotten in the heat of the moment.
If the Hoff ever runs short of cash, he should consider selling his chest hairs to the Chinese, who are manufacturing a new brand of anti-pervert pantyhose. These stockings are coated with real human hair, so that girls who put them on appear to have hairy legs. This allows them to wear hot pants and miniskirts without attracting the attention of dirty old men. The main disadvantage is that worthy gallants would also be discouraged from approaching them. Another possible drawback is unwanted attention from male chimpanzees (but not male gorillas, who only pursue females in oestrus).
The Japanese are a different race from the Chinese and far more advanced in their perversions. Their women have had to endure being groped by dirty old men for decades, particularly on crowded commuter trains. The latest deviant fetish to have gripped Japan is “oculolinctus” or “worming”, where people lick each other’s eyeballs. All the medical experts agree that the practice is evil, unhygienic and far worse than growing bacteria on your chest.
“No good can come of this,” declared Dr David Ganet of San Diego. “If a person hasn't washed out their mouth, they might put acid from citrus products or spices into the eye.”
He should have cautioned that washing out your mouth with a powerful mouthwash might cause the eye to dissolve. In truth, eyeball-licking is only safe for creatures like lizards, which do not eat spicy food or citrus fruit and never use mouthwash. What’s more, they only practice auto-oculolinctus – I have never seen a lizard lick the eyeball of another lizard.
These kinky news items from the Orient make the confessions of Hollywood celebrities seem very tame by comparison. In a recent interview, the actress Zoe Saldana told ExtraTV.com that she prefers to live life in the nude:
I’m always naked,” she said. “That’s why I have to be careful with whoever walks through the door. If I ever have my gardeners walking around, I always have to draw the curtains.”
I suppose this story might cause a few desperate people to wonder what her naked body looks like, but it’s not a revelation that provokes much excitement these days. If Zoe wants to stay in the limelight, she’ll have to do more interesting things than take her clothes off. She could start by licking something unusual and telling us about it.
Labels: crabs, hairy stockings., nudity, oculolinctus, The Hoff, Zoe Saldana
