Monday, September 10, 2012

Health news

I note a spate of breakthroughs in the field of human healthcare. I say “human healthcare”, because you’d have to be a blithering idiot to believe that any of these therapies would work on another species. Homo Sapiens has evolved into an idiosyncratic beast, with its own peculiar diseases and remedies. That’s why vets and doctors are rival professions with their own qualifications and secret handshakes. Having seen both of them, I would say that the vet handshake is kinkier.

The first treatment to consider is clown therapy. Apparently, bringing clowns into hospital wards improves the morale of patients and gives their immune system a boost. I can well believe it. Laughter is a natural opiate which exercises all the right muscles. In my circus career, I raised the hilarity to an even higher level by kicking the clowns’ arses when they were performing. Whether this was good for the health of the audience is difficult to say. Most of them probably felt better, but a few may have suffered hernias or died from laughing too much. A classic case of swings and roundabouts.

The next theory to consider is that eating walnuts improves the health of a man’s sperm. There must be something in this. We apes have always been pro-nut, going to great lengths just to munch on a handful of them. They are surely more than capable of perking up a man’s jism. I am sceptical, however, about the feeble-textured walnut being the nut of choice. Groundnuts and almonds should make human spermatozoa swish their tails more vigorously.

The final treatment I wish to discuss follows conveniently from the last one. It has been postulated that women suffering from depression can cure themselves by taking a man’s semen. This can be done by having straight sex, but oral ingestion is of greater therapeutic value.

Reluctant though I am to pooh-pooh the work of scientists, this one is much harder to swallow. I suspect that a cabal of male researchers have got their heads together in the hope of getting some head. There are a lot of depressed women in the vicinity of medical research laboratories, desperately looking for something to give them a lift. Although going down on horny scientists is unlikely to harm them, one should never give patients false hope. And how will they feel when they find out they’ve been duped into fellating geeky men? It would surely be a terrible blow.

Many humans, of course, nonchalantly ignore the findings of medical science in attending to their physical well-being. I recall an old gypsy woman who cured her ailments by putting a clove of garlic up each nostril. Our local witchdoctor, peace be upon him, got rid of a boil on his behind by smearing it with chicken shit. There are many paths to wisdom in this world of ours, and the men in white coats don’t have all the answers. Having said that, they’re probably the best people to ask if you’re looking for someone to give you a blowjob.

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Hah, I'm blowing off those cockamamie theories as junk science.
Personally, I would rather die than have to put up with a clown's antics when i'm ill. And not to be a Debbie Downer, but any emotional uplift a female gets from a guy's spooge will probably be cancelled out the next morning when she wakes up with mouth herpes.
The wonders of cowboy-western medicine
There are already plenty of clowns patrolling hospital wards - in England one calls them "Consultants" and refers to them as "Mr".

I'm a firm believer in high-velocity lead, personally, it ends the symptoms of all manner of ills both physical and mental.
What happens if the woman only becomes depressed after taking the semen?

As for vets having a kinkier handshakes... of course they do! Have you seen where they stick their thermometres?
Ahahaha. It would surely WOULD be a "terrible blow" when women find out they've been duped into giving fellatio! Wonderful wordplay there Bananas.

Clown therapy-just the very thought of it-makes me shudder. I'm going to have nightmares tonight. I'm sure I'm not the only one who suffers from coulrophobia and I think the reason people live longer is the fear of death. The fear that these white-faced minions of Satan might lay claim to their souls should they succumb overnight. If it comes to having a mouthful of semen or being visited by these Harlequins of Hate...tough call. Tough, tough call.
As with most Alternative Therapy a combination of therapies would work best a performing clown a blow job would end up bringing a smile to two faces?
I bet his jiz would taste funny too.
Keeping it real: Blowing off a cockamie theory sounds like a great cure for depression. But suppose you're not depressed?

Jimmy: That's why depressed women have to be very selective about the men whose spooge they siphon. Virgin geeks are in, man-hos are out.

Adam: Cowboy-western medicine? Are you saying these treatments were invented by Doc Holliday in Tombstone?

The Owl Wood: Yes, I believe that's how Hitler cured his headache. Don't you have any natural healers in your parts? Witches and crones are the traditional alternative to the hospital consultant.

Steve: Why would a woman take semen if she wasn't depressed? If it ain't broken, don't fix it.

Fatman: They have preliminary courses for coulrophobics like you. You're given you a midget clown to slap around until you've mastered your fear.

JoeBlogg: Unfortunately, it's very difficult to laugh while giving a clown a blowjob. Maybe the women could watch the clowns perform while sucking up fresh jizz from a milkshake carton.
All little kids are terrified of clowns. I can't believe the profession still persists.

When I was single, I used to try and convince women that my sperm tasted like birthday cake. I had middling results.
if anything, clowns terrify me and therefore i won't be laughing. i usually avoid them. and the same goes for santas.
So many puns in there.. so little time. :P
You're funny. :)

Semen good for you, yeah - I have been selling that one for years - with mixed results of course. While I can't speak about those doing the taking, after extensive research, I can assure you ''giving' is a wonderful cure for depression.

I think I'd ask that he kindly remove his glasses first.

I just read the story of depression and human sperm the other day. Wonder what were they doing in the lab that led to that breakthrough study? :)
Laughing really does perk me up, although usually as a result of Schadenfreude. I reckon if I was in a hospital a clown injuring himself would do me a world of good.

Mr UB: Middling results in the sense that they let their dogs blow you? Crème fraîche might have been more believable.

Jaya: Maybe watching me kick them would cure your phobia, Jaya!

Laura: Hugs back to you, birthday girl!

Badholder: Yes, donating bodily fluids in a worthy cause is good for the spirit. It's not so different from giving blood.

Robyn: Quite right, Robyn. You wouldn't want his spectacles falling on your head in the thick of the action.

Gossip girl: I believe they were feeding female volunteers a cucumber and yoghurt salad.

The Jules: Yes, but then you'd have to treat him, which would bring you down again.
I guess female porn stars must be the happiest people on Earth.
there's a lot of money to be made off depression. i'm going to start charging for my deliveries.
You're really getting f*cking weird.

Don't give these stupid buggers amy more airtime, and please stick to straight Science.

And the men in the white coats ARE correct IF they have sufficient peer reviews.
LOL What men won't say or do!!!!!!
Dare I say that if those men happened across the right group of depressed women also suffering from low self-esteem I bet that servicing the man DID temporarily make them happier. Funny how things get twisted.
yeah, i don't fall for that old 'some semen will cure what ails ya!' line.

at least not anymore.
Sarcastic Ninja: That would depend on the lot of things, such as their work/leisure balance and how much they swallow.

Billy: Don't price yourself out of the market - I've heard it's a very competitive one.

TS Bastard: The semen research was published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour, which is a peer reviewed journal. Does that convince you?

Rose: What indeed, Rose! Probably nothing at all.

Angie: They'd feel happier without getting anything in return? That doesn't make sense. I could understand if they were paid to do it.

Kage: I'm glad you've wised up, Ms Kage. You must have felt like a sucker when it didn't work.
I wonder if the jism needs to be human to have the effect. I'm motivated by profit here, you understand, not some unnatural desire to see women performing indecent acts on goats, but it occurs to me that the spoff could be sealed in little gelatine capsules and swallowed like that. Have you seen the amount that comes out when a horse crashes the yoghurt truck? We could make a fortune.
oh god no GB. you did not seriously just write that lol
Jon: Horse spooge is certainly worth looking into. Do you know any depressed women who'd volunteer to be guinea pigs?

Kage: When do I write anything seriously, Kage? I thought you knew me better than that!
GB - I have a horrible feeling that a few minutes searching on the internet would yield a couple of women willing to have a go.
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