Wednesday, November 23, 2016
Dietary advice
Can you call yourself a vegan if you eat your friend’s semen? The question occurred to me after watching a video made by a 29-year-old English woman who says she is a vegan. Miss Tracey Kiss (pictured above) is justly proud of her flawless complexion, which she credits to a healthy diet of organic food and a daily sperm supplement.
“People are so weird about sperm when in fact a teaspoon is full of amazing goodness,” she explains. “I’d been feeling run down and had no energy, but now I’m full of beans and my mood has improved.”
She’s certainly full of something, but before any man thinks of making her an offer, please note that her nourishment is not taken at source. A gentleman friend provides her with regular emissions (in a test tube?), which she stores in her refrigerator.
“Every batch tastes different, depending on what he’s been eating,” says Tracey. “If he’s been drinking alcohol or eaten something particular pungent like asparagus, I ask him to give me a heads-up so I know not to drink it neat.”
Miss Kiss has a number of appetising semen recipes in which the taste of the raw ingredient is modified by various condiments. Perhaps she should share her ideas with a gourmet chef. Michelin star restaurants are always on the lookout for additions to their menus, and there is no surer path to immortality than having a dessert named after you. “Open-mouthed Kiss” would be a plausible title for the dish.
The mysterious character in this otherwise uncomplicated tale is the fellow who donates his manly secretions. The question I can’t help asking is: “What’s in it for him?”. If Tracey were taking an active hand the extraction process, that would be one thing, but where’s the fun in having to milk yourself like a cow? If a female gorilla asked me to perform such a service, I would tell her to go and molest a baboon.
A generous explanation of his behaviour would say that he is acting from the same neighbourly instinct that causes the resident of an apartment block to offer a new tenant a packet of sugar. But I am not inclined to be so generous. I fear he derives some sort of wicked pleasure from the thought that a nubile woman is gulping down his jism. A man who is proud of something like that can have little else to be proud of.
I started this post with a question you may have forgotten in all the commotion: Is semen a permissible food for a self-proclaimed vegan like Miss Kiss? I would say it’s no less of an animal product than milk, eggs or cheese. Perhaps Tracey would argue that it does no harm because the animal in question is not locked up in a paddock or chained to a fence. Yet if millions of women take her dietary advice to heart, who is to say that men will not be locked up in paddocks or chained to fences in the future? You can’t go around breaking rules without thinking about the long-term consequences.
Labels: dietary supplements, jism, semen, vegan cooking
Monday, September 10, 2012
Health news
I note a spate of breakthroughs in the field of human healthcare. I say “human healthcare”, because you’d have to be a blithering idiot to believe that any of these therapies would work on another species. Homo Sapiens has evolved into an idiosyncratic beast, with its own peculiar diseases and remedies. That’s why vets and doctors are rival professions with their own qualifications and secret handshakes. Having seen both of them, I would say that the vet handshake is kinkier.
The first treatment to consider is clown therapy. Apparently, bringing clowns into hospital wards improves the morale of patients and gives their immune system a boost. I can well believe it. Laughter is a natural opiate which exercises all the right muscles. In my circus career, I raised the hilarity to an even higher level by kicking the clowns’ arses when they were performing. Whether this was good for the health of the audience is difficult to say. Most of them probably felt better, but a few may have suffered hernias or died from laughing too much. A classic case of swings and roundabouts.
The next theory to consider is that eating walnuts improves the health of a man’s sperm. There must be something in this. We apes have always been pro-nut, going to great lengths just to munch on a handful of them. They are surely more than capable of perking up a man’s jism. I am sceptical, however, about the feeble-textured walnut being the nut of choice. Groundnuts and almonds should make human spermatozoa swish their tails more vigorously.
The final treatment I wish to discuss follows conveniently from the last one. It has been postulated that women suffering from depression can cure themselves by taking a man’s semen. This can be done by having straight sex, but oral ingestion is of greater therapeutic value.
Reluctant though I am to pooh-pooh the work of scientists, this one is much harder to swallow. I suspect that a cabal of male researchers have got their heads together in the hope of getting some head. There are a lot of depressed women in the vicinity of medical research laboratories, desperately looking for something to give them a lift. Although going down on horny scientists is unlikely to harm them, one should never give patients false hope. And how will they feel when they find out they’ve been duped into fellating geeky men? It would surely be a terrible blow.
Many humans, of course, nonchalantly ignore the findings of medical science in attending to their physical well-being. I recall an old gypsy woman who cured her ailments by putting a clove of garlic up each nostril. Our local witchdoctor, peace be upon him, got rid of a boil on his behind by smearing it with chicken shit. There are many paths to wisdom in this world of ours, and the men in white coats don’t have all the answers. Having said that, they’re probably the best people to ask if you’re looking for someone to give you a blowjob.
Labels: clowns, fellatio, jism, semen
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Code pink
The Germans have come up with a clever way of reforming their hardened criminals. By incarcerating them in bright pink cells, they hope to curb their aggressive impulses and cultivate their fluffy feminine side. Critics of the policy argue that the convicts will feel humiliated, deepening their resentment towards society. It’s a fair point. Perhaps they should be given a choice between living in pink cells or being buggered with an iron poker. Then they could select the option which causes them less umbrage.
As a gorilla, I have a great deal of sympathy for humiliating punishments. In the words of Old Melonhead the Wise, “Tis better to humiliate a rival than bite off his goolies.” This is especially true in the world of homo sapiens, where humility is scarce and the quantity of bollocks is relatively stable. The guilty have nothing to be proud of, so make them feel humble to purge their souls. They can always regain their self-esteem by doing good deeds and learning how to knit.
Most German men have humiliation fantasies anyway. That’s obvious from their pornography, which frequently depicts submissive men being bullied by large, sexually voracious women. When Boris Becker impregnated a waitress in a restaurant, he made sure everyone knew about the short duration of their coupling, which apparently lasted no longer than 10 seconds. Is that the kind of detail an arrogant, macho fellow would share with the world? And let’s not forget Stefan Moses, the kinky photographer who showed people naked pictures of himself so he could draw attention to his puny appendage.
Some forms of humiliation are clearly below the belt, though. I thump my hairy chest in indignation whenever humans reveal the bedroom secrets of their ex-lovers. Remember the blonde actress Sondra Locke, the former on-screen and off-screen partner of Clint Eastwood? When she and Clint parted company, she wrote a book about their life together. Accorded to Sondra, Clint would say “Sweetie, did you floss?” whenever he wanted to have sex. This ugly revelation made everyone wonder whether Clint enjoyed licking a woman’s teeth during coitus. When asked to comment on the book he remained tight-lipped, possibly to avoid drawing attention to his own teeth.
The danger of jilted humans seeking revenge on their jilters has been recognised by Facebook, which has banned naked photos from its network. Also banned are pictures of urine, vomit, semen and ear wax. I think they’ve gone too far with ear wax. No one should be ashamed about what comes out of their ears, which is difficult to distinguish from guacamole in any case.
Semen is a more delicate question. One might argue that a man who allows a woman to get hold of his ejaculate should take it on the chin if she later displays pictures of it in Facebook. There’s no point crying over spilled milk. But what if she doctors the semen by adding pepper or cumin, to make it look nasty and unpalatable? It could ruin a man’s sex life.
Labels: ear wax, Facebook, Germans, humiliation, semen
