Monday, June 11, 2012
Police dildo raid
News arrives of another police blunder in England. This one was inspired by a spurious report of a man brandishing a pistol in his living room. A squad of armed heavies was immediately dispatched to the address, where they found a couple playing with a dildo. After confiscating the sex toy at gunpoint, they arrested the man for “possession of an imitation firearm”.
“I think this is what you might call a classic cock-up,” said a neighbour, exaggerating for comic effect.
The police should drop this charge before they make complete assess of themselves in court. The dildo would have to be produced as evidence, resulting in their inevitable ridicule. If I were the defence counsel, I would ask the arresting officer to examine it in the witness stand.
“Does that look like a pistol to you?” I would say, as the judge scratched his wig pensively. “Perhaps you could oblige us by pulling the trigger.”
After sniggering all over their faces, the jury would vote to acquit. It’s an infallible principle of English law that the barrister who gets the most laughs wins. That’s why Rumpole of the Bailey never lost a case.
Another reason to drop the charge is that the arrested man has already been punished enough. The shame of the affair must have nipped him like a ferret in the trousers. There is simply no explanation for possessing a dildo that reflects well on a man. It either means his own equipment isn’t functioning properly or he's a fan of the prostate massage.
There is nothing wrong with women owning dildos, of course. If I saw a woman clutching one, I would advise her to keep it well-oiled and bid her a good day. The full potential of the dildo as a sex aid has been demonstrated by Tiana Lynn (the “squirt queen”), who is a dab hand with the trusty glass phallus. There are video clips of her practically torturing herself with pleasure, but I don’t intend to link them here. Not many women can watch her in action without feeling jealous, and it is not my purpose in life to make women jealous.
I’ve often wondered what happens to ladies who have worked in the adult entertainment industry when their careers come to a natural end. I would hope they use their savings to finance a college education and subsequently apply for jobs at IBM or General Electric. Such giant corporations are full of business school types who’ve had limited exposure to the rich diversity of human experience. Recruiting people with fresh ideas might invigorate their working practices and inspire innovation.
There’s also much to be said for retired porn stars joining the police force. Making suspects assume “the position” before frisking and handcuffing them has much in common with their previous line of work. They also have a wealth of knowledge and experience that could be used to good effect. Their ability to distinguish between dildos and deadly weapons would be a particular boon to law enforcement.
Labels: dildos, police raid, porn actresses, Rumpole of the Bailey, Tiana Lynn
Comments:
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I have to say that some of the dildos I have seen could be classified as weapons- maybe not of the deadly variety, but certainly sexual weapons that I would not want aimed anywhere near my netherregions!
I guess i am wondering how the cops got involved ....
Interesting view on the vibrater though....
I question why a woman would want one, as well...Does it mean that she cant get the real deal...doe..???..hehe
Interesting view on the vibrater though....
I question why a woman would want one, as well...Does it mean that she cant get the real deal...doe..???..hehe
One of your classics – not only is the story funny, so is your account of it!
Why in God’s name did they ever arrest him once they saw it was a dildo??!!
I am still laughing… :)
Why in God’s name did they ever arrest him once they saw it was a dildo??!!
I am still laughing… :)
The dildo was not a weapon in this case. Now, had it been one of those novelty King Dong ones and he was cramming it in there without permission, then I say arrest the guy.
As the American NRA is fond of saying: dildos don't kill people, people kill people.
By what possible stretch of the judicial ... imagination ... is a dildo an imitation firearm? By such logic that would make the machine guns carried by H.M. Police positively the delux sex toy ...
By what possible stretch of the judicial ... imagination ... is a dildo an imitation firearm? By such logic that would make the machine guns carried by H.M. Police positively the delux sex toy ...
Keeping it real: Those dildos must be for women with bucket-like openings, so congratulations for not being one of them.
Reality Jayne: A vibrator is there when you need it, Jayne. And it always respects you in the morning.
Adam: If you're talking about the gun, I agree. But there must be people who enjoy being on the receiving end of a dildo, otherwise they would never sell.
Beth: Glad you liked it, Beth. Not making an arrest after charging in with weapons bristling would have been a terrible anticlimax for them. Nor did they want to admit that they'd made a cock-up.
Billy: Hah, that would have been a great line for the sequel! Pity you didn't have a hotline to David Nobbs.
Dr Ken: I never knew there were novelty King Dongs. Is there a legal use for them?
Steve: Pump action but firing blanks.
The Owl Wood: The only explanation is that the police aren't used to having dildos pointed at them. Their brains are rigid, like the dildo themselves.
Reality Jayne: A vibrator is there when you need it, Jayne. And it always respects you in the morning.
Adam: If you're talking about the gun, I agree. But there must be people who enjoy being on the receiving end of a dildo, otherwise they would never sell.
Beth: Glad you liked it, Beth. Not making an arrest after charging in with weapons bristling would have been a terrible anticlimax for them. Nor did they want to admit that they'd made a cock-up.
Billy: Hah, that would have been a great line for the sequel! Pity you didn't have a hotline to David Nobbs.
Dr Ken: I never knew there were novelty King Dongs. Is there a legal use for them?
Steve: Pump action but firing blanks.
The Owl Wood: The only explanation is that the police aren't used to having dildos pointed at them. Their brains are rigid, like the dildo themselves.
hahaha...cock up...or cop out? something's missing here...the chap was arrested for robbery (besides the possession of imitation firearm and criminal damage)?! There simply must be more to story. :D
Gorilla Bananas, honesty compels me to report that frolicking around nude, gulping down bananas, and swinging from trees in the wild (like many of your gorilla cousins) is an existence of far greater dignity than the average human being experiences. If there is a God, I wonder what he might think when he looks down upon us and witnesses things like a heavily armed police squad being dispatched to wrestle a dildo from an impotent man's clutches. I imagine he must think that creating human beings was the biggest mistake he ever made, (right after buying stock in facebook). I have nothing more to say about this, but to leave you with the following quote: “If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.” Jack Handy.
right here. intended for novelty use only: http://www.adameve.com/adult-sex-toys/dildo-sex-toys/sp-king-dong-dildo-8531.aspx
maybe instead of being used as evidence, they could call the dildo to the witness stand. then we can find out what really happened, dildos never forget.
or maybe that's elephants.
or maybe that's elephants.
Hannah: Well spotted, Hannah, but why the heck would a robber be playing with a dildo? I think the police might have framed him.
Jaya: I'm glad you agree that there's nothing wrong with a woman owning a dildo, Jaya. If someone like Tiana gave dildo classes, do you think they would be popular?
Jimmy: As a former circus ape with experience of trampolines, I can attest to the wisdom of Mr Handy's statement. If your gyrations get out of control, you can end up missing the trampoline on your way down.
Al: I hope you are referring to the police rather than porn actresses.
Time Warden: Would that "good authority" be Ronnie Corbett?
Dr Ken: Thanks for the link, Dr Ken. The "novelty use only" caveat is very wise. There are some crazy women out there.
Kage: The dildo would deny being a weapon, but it might say too much under cross-examination.
Would you want your dildo sharing its holiday experiences with other people?
Jaya: I'm glad you agree that there's nothing wrong with a woman owning a dildo, Jaya. If someone like Tiana gave dildo classes, do you think they would be popular?
Jimmy: As a former circus ape with experience of trampolines, I can attest to the wisdom of Mr Handy's statement. If your gyrations get out of control, you can end up missing the trampoline on your way down.
Al: I hope you are referring to the police rather than porn actresses.
Time Warden: Would that "good authority" be Ronnie Corbett?
Dr Ken: Thanks for the link, Dr Ken. The "novelty use only" caveat is very wise. There are some crazy women out there.
Kage: The dildo would deny being a weapon, but it might say too much under cross-examination.
Would you want your dildo sharing its holiday experiences with other people?
Your blog is the most shocking one I am privileged to follow. It just gets weirder and weirder around here. And you're not even reporting on stuff that happens in the US. Great job, GB.
xoRobyn
xoRobyn
some porn stars have ventured into sex education and are helping a lot of people achieve satisfaction. you know like veteran star, Nina Hartley. i think we need people like her, GB.
how DARE you just assume that i have a dildo! what kind of girl do you think i am?! jesus christ, GB!
and my dildo will shut the fuck up if it knows what's good for it.
and my dildo will shut the fuck up if it knows what's good for it.
So in the end he got the dildo back right?
Actually, I'm not sure he'd want it back after all it's been through.
Actually, I'm not sure he'd want it back after all it's been through.
Oh boy, what a mess up!
I see a form of discrimination here - women with dildos. Who'd a thought?!
I see a form of discrimination here - women with dildos. Who'd a thought?!
# posted by 
: Thursday, June 14, 2012
: Thursday, June 14, 2012
Robyn: Well thank you, Robyn, I hope the shocking events described here are inspiring you to be an active pillar of your community.
Jaya: I've just looked up Nina Hartley and she seems like a wise old bird, Jaya. Her boobs look 20 years younger than she is, which is another point in her favour.
Kage: I was being hypothetical, Kage, and even good girls might have a ornamental dildo on their mantelpiece. Let me know if you want one yourself.
Dwei: The dildo's fate has yet to be decided. If the man walks free he'll get it back. Otherwise, I hope they find a good home for it.
Catherine: Don't buy a dildo until you're 25, Catherine. Keep things fresh and tidy for as long as you can.
Jaya: I've just looked up Nina Hartley and she seems like a wise old bird, Jaya. Her boobs look 20 years younger than she is, which is another point in her favour.
Kage: I was being hypothetical, Kage, and even good girls might have a ornamental dildo on their mantelpiece. Let me know if you want one yourself.
Dwei: The dildo's fate has yet to be decided. If the man walks free he'll get it back. Otherwise, I hope they find a good home for it.
Catherine: Don't buy a dildo until you're 25, Catherine. Keep things fresh and tidy for as long as you can.
a couple of years ago, she said this - "Now I work with women who are younger than my breast implants".
:)
:)
I believe the gentleman in question should hire a private dick to see if the police shafted him against procedure.
Jaya: They must be damn good implants. I hope she passed on the name of her cosmetic surgeon.
Chris: Heh, he'd need someone like Jim Rockford to take on a case like that! Did you see the earlier post about the busty woman from New Jersey? I would have thought you'd be interested in her case.
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Chris: Heh, he'd need someone like Jim Rockford to take on a case like that! Did you see the earlier post about the busty woman from New Jersey? I would have thought you'd be interested in her case.
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