Wednesday, March 02, 2016
Stroke of luck
A 16-year-old Russian boy has won a prize to live with a porn actress for a month. Ruslan Schedrin earned this unusual – and some would say extravagant – reward for being visitor number 100,000 on a video games website. As one would expect, he is elated about his good fortune:
“I was so happy," he said. "I saw her and I liked everything. She has got good sizes... I am looking forward to our meeting so much. Everything is boiling inside me.”
Let’s hope his boiling innards don’t evaporate before she lays hands on him. His enthusiasm for this exhilarating prospect is not shared by his mother:
“I am shocked!” she declared. “I have not seen the girl, but my son must study.”
Perhaps Ruslin should promise his mother to study very hard when he is being taught how to unhook a bra strap. She’d be amazed by how much a boy can learn from a one-month apprenticeship.
Now the porn actress, whose name is Ekaterina Makarova, will be shacking up with her eager pupil in a Moscow hotel. The good news for Ruslan is that she seems to have taken a shine to him. Nevertheless, she is curiously coy about whether they will be engaging in deeds of a steamy and sticky nature:
“It’s not supposed, but life is life,” she remarked mysteriously. “It is a usual thing when inexperienced boys are looking for more experienced girlfriends. I don't know. At least we'll be friends – I liked him in the photographs.”
Reading between the lines, I think she realises how hugely disappointed Ruslan would be if she denied him the goodies in her candy box. Perhaps she is trying to keep the itinerary ambiguous to protect the boy’s reputation when he finally emerges from her lair. Her own reputation, of course, has no need of protection.
My main concern for the boy is that the dish may taste better in the anticipation than in the eating. The job of a porn actress is to give pleasure to the voyeur, not the witless buffoon who explores her orifices. Even if he does initially get a kick out of having his juices milked, the novelty is bound to wear off after a month. It may turn out to be the kind of unfulfilling experience that propels him towards self-stimulation with a noose around his neck.
When I told the manager of the safari camp about this story, he didn’t try to hide his resentment:
“No 16-year-old boy deserves to be that lucky,” he said. “When I was 16, I had to beg fat college girls to let me feel them up.”
“And I’m sure you are a better man for it!” I exclaimed. “Is it not more praiseworthy to toil honestly for the right to squeeze the boobies of a deliciously plump college girl than be presented with a jaded porn star because of a lucky click on your computer?”
He rubbed his face and sighed, but I believe my words brought him comfort.
Labels: disapproving mothers, fat college girls, porn actresses, Russia
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Face-sitting protest
Yesterday I got a phone call from Smacker Ramrod, my old circus buddy. After expressing the usual Christmas greetings, he asked me why I hadn’t written a post in support of the face-sitting protest that took place in London on the twelfth of this month.
“Your moral support would have meant so much to them,” he said.
“Did you go to the event yourself?” I asked.
“God no!” he exclaimed. “What if someone had sat on my face? The climate at home would have turned distinctly frigid if my wife had found out. She might never have sat on my face again!”
“A calamity you were wise to avoid risking,” I remarked.
The protest in London was against a new censorship law which bans various practices from being depicted in pornography produced in the UK. After biting my lip to steel my nerves I reviewed the list myself, and concluded that while some of the proscribed acts were unimaginably vile, others were merely the kind of horseplay you would see on any visit to a baboon camp. One of the forbidden deeds, as you might have guessed, was a woman resting her nether regions on the face of a compliant partner.
It seems that many of the women protesting in London were porn stars. I find it difficult not to sympathise with them. After enduring gruelling hours getting pounded from all angles, sitting on someone’s face must feel like a perk of the job. Furthermore, it is sexist and discriminatory to outlaw acts aimed specifically at giving women pleasure, while allowing men to indulge in all their favourite vices. When I told my females about it, they vowed to sit on the face of any man who refused to let a woman sit on his face. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.
I'm glad to hear that an Italian politician is taking the issue of sexism seriously. Matteo Salvini, leader of the Northern League party, deplores the disrespectful ogling of scantily-clad women by so many of his shameless countrymen. To atone for this grievous sin, he has started distributing semi-naked pictures of himself to share the pain of Italian women. It’s too early to judge whether his gimmick will appeal to disaffected female voters, but someone must be looking at all the pictures he’s been circulating.
Why are statesmen like Signor Salvini never seen in American politics? Sex only becomes an issue in the US when some wretched scandal occurs, like the distinguished gentleman from New York texting photos of his distinguished dick. President Clinton has a lot to answer for in my view. The worst thing about his episode with Miss Lewinsky was that everything was done for his own pleasure, with no regard for Monica’s needs as a fresh young hoochie. If she'd been sitting on his face during most of their intimate moments, it would have put a completely different complexion on the affair. I have not the slightest doubt that America would now be a happier and healthier country.
Labels: censorship, Face-sitting, Italy, Monica Lewinsky, porn actresses
Monday, June 11, 2012
Police dildo raid
News arrives of another police blunder in England. This one was inspired by a spurious report of a man brandishing a pistol in his living room. A squad of armed heavies was immediately dispatched to the address, where they found a couple playing with a dildo. After confiscating the sex toy at gunpoint, they arrested the man for “possession of an imitation firearm”.
“I think this is what you might call a classic cock-up,” said a neighbour, exaggerating for comic effect.
The police should drop this charge before they make complete assess of themselves in court. The dildo would have to be produced as evidence, resulting in their inevitable ridicule. If I were the defence counsel, I would ask the arresting officer to examine it in the witness stand.
“Does that look like a pistol to you?” I would say, as the judge scratched his wig pensively. “Perhaps you could oblige us by pulling the trigger.”
After sniggering all over their faces, the jury would vote to acquit. It’s an infallible principle of English law that the barrister who gets the most laughs wins. That’s why Rumpole of the Bailey never lost a case.
Another reason to drop the charge is that the arrested man has already been punished enough. The shame of the affair must have nipped him like a ferret in the trousers. There is simply no explanation for possessing a dildo that reflects well on a man. It either means his own equipment isn’t functioning properly or he's a fan of the prostate massage.
There is nothing wrong with women owning dildos, of course. If I saw a woman clutching one, I would advise her to keep it well-oiled and bid her a good day. The full potential of the dildo as a sex aid has been demonstrated by Tiana Lynn (the “squirt queen”), who is a dab hand with the trusty glass phallus. There are video clips of her practically torturing herself with pleasure, but I don’t intend to link them here. Not many women can watch her in action without feeling jealous, and it is not my purpose in life to make women jealous.
I’ve often wondered what happens to ladies who have worked in the adult entertainment industry when their careers come to a natural end. I would hope they use their savings to finance a college education and subsequently apply for jobs at IBM or General Electric. Such giant corporations are full of business school types who’ve had limited exposure to the rich diversity of human experience. Recruiting people with fresh ideas might invigorate their working practices and inspire innovation.
There’s also much to be said for retired porn stars joining the police force. Making suspects assume “the position” before frisking and handcuffing them has much in common with their previous line of work. They also have a wealth of knowledge and experience that could be used to good effect. Their ability to distinguish between dildos and deadly weapons would be a particular boon to law enforcement.
Labels: dildos, police raid, porn actresses, Rumpole of the Bailey, Tiana Lynn
