Monday, October 24, 2011

Oxford blue

The Oxford Union keeps on inviting me to give them a speech, but I’m not the least bit interested. You can’t flatter a gorilla into performing on a sinking ship. Their desperation for celebrity speakers became evident when they hosted a lecture from Miss Katie Price, a 33-year-old English “glamour model” best known for the buoyancy of her bosom. 

After eight minutes of stellar oratory, Katie ran out of things to say, prompting the organiser of the event to call for questions from the floor. A beefy rugby-playing student asked Katie who her best lover had been. 

“It could be you, you look really fit up there – buff!” she answered. “I bet you’re too young for me,” she added ruefully. 

Full marks to Katie for disqualifying a potential stud on account of his tender age – I give her credit for her principled approach to brazen whoring. Someone then asked her what she looked for in a man. 

“If you wanna get ten men to stand up here naked, I’ll show you!” she declared. 

Sadly, none of the lads in the hall accepted her generous offer of a free knob inspection. Some audiences are just too shy to participate. The conference ended amid raucous hooting and cheering, to which Katie responded with raunchy pouting and blowing. 

The next logical step would be to make her an Oxford don, so she could oversee new degree programmes in Bawdy Repartee and Artistic Disrobing. A woman with her contacts could easily recruit qualified staff to give lectures in arse-wiggling and chest exposure. As the gifted students began to graduate, Oxford University could offer PhDs in groping and dogging. 

The main downside of such an exciting development would be its effect on the traditional subjects. Young humans already need tremendous self-discipline to study the arts and sciences when they’re far more interested in rampant fornication. My old friend Dickie Dawkins would find the ranks of his followers severely depleted, as all but his most devoted groupies went off to learn about hoochie-mama-ism and the like. Although he earns plenty of money from books and TV appearances, having to cancel his lectures would be a crushing blow to his pride. You can’t salvage the ego of an intellectual by telling him to count the cash in his bank account. 

Dickie could always hang out with his hairy cousins, of course. I’ve told him on many occasions that he’d be welcomed with open arms if he wanted to join my band. He could pontificate in the jungle to his heart’s content while we pretended to listen in rapt attention. A man who promotes the idea of primate consanguinity ought to be entirely at home in a community of apes. 

Katie could hang out with us too if she wanted. It's quite possible she might find life in academia too dry and oppressive. Although we could never make her an honorary gorilla because of her artificial bust, we wouldn’t mind at all if she ran around naked and sexually harassed the local witch doctor. There’s no point having guests if you won’t let them do their own thing. 

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I feel as if my post about the greasy greek may of slightly inspired this GB. Bearing in mind she snared herself a husband the last time she went into a jungle I'd be careful where you invite her.
I'm surprised she lasted eight minutes at Oxford, which is possibly a phrase she's uttered a few times herself.
are you sure her boobs are fake?
If at age 33, she’s rejecting male university students as too young, she’ll never make it as a cougar. Of course, she’ll probably change her mind and her bust (again) as she gets older.
I saw her show on cable a couple of times. I am still not sure what the difference is between a glamour model and a regular model. It seems to me it's a matter of giant tits and no tits. Either way, I'm sure you'd offer to carry her naked form around the jungle if need be?
Dick is just as prone to a good-looking gal as the rest of us. He's married to ex-Hammer Horror starlet, and ex-Doctor Who companion, subsequently Tom Baker's ex-wife, Lalla Ward! Lucky fella's married to the second Romana!!
You are generous in your opinion and openness towards Katie Price, truly. Thinking about it I'd love to see Katie vs Dickie Dawkins in a mass debate. That would make great television.
Dirty Cowgirl: Good point, Ms Cowgirl, I forget about her previous jungle excursion. It's a bit different in Africa, though, the snakes are bigger over here.

Jayne: Everything about her boobs is in the public domain, Jayne. Do they look real to you?

Beth: I think she's in a cougar-in-training, Beth. She's about to discover that men her own age can't keep up with her.

Angie: I wouldn't carry her around unless she got bitten in the foot by something. Naked women are expected to pull their own weight over here.

Time Warden: Lalla is nothing like Romana in real life though, is she? I've heard she's a rather prim, upper-class woman.

Steve: It sounds good, but what actually is a "mass debate"? If it involves some kind of scrum, my money would be on Katie.
it was a win win situation for both the students and her i suppose.
You can never have enough "bosom buoyancy" if you ask me.
Unless you're a man.
Then, you should really put down the cupcake and get to a gym.
i'd much rather listen to katie than old the old iron maiden margaret thatcher.
Seriously, Katie Price? And The Oxford Union couldn't think of anyone better? They should have asked Victoria Beckham to host a lecture, at least there'd be sarcasm. And if David tagged along, the audience could've been entertained by the metro-sexual with the girly voice.
She's a big boob with two of them.

She came without her 'Bullet points'? I beg to differ.
I think her running a course on the art of dogging in country parks would be a screaming success. The most popular course at Harvard University was one called 'Happiness'
I think Katie could nail that. Too much academia makes not the dogger. Life's all about balance after all.
Jaya: And possibly a sin-sin situation later on...

Al: Yes, but it's better if their buoyancy is achieved with natural methods. Do natural methods exist, BTW?

Billy: She's more entertaining than Mrs Thatcher, that's for sure.

Azra: That's a good point, Miss Azra. Perhaps the Beckhams are more aware of their limitations in the field of public speaking.

Robyn: I wonder how she'd go down in California, Robyn.

Juliette: Does dogging really bring happiness, Jules? I would say it's more like a ride in a funfair - a breezy thrill followed by indigestion.
Is your experience of dogging really indigestion? You really should take more (alka) fizz with your bang.
I found that I was devoting too much time to self-discipline in college. Once I set that aside, my grades improved and the arts and sciences became much sexier.
I would like her to return to the jungle. But wouldn't wish her on you.
Best post ever!!!! Oh ya the writing was o.k. too.
those boobs are FAKE?!?!?!
Kellogsville: That doesn't help if you're hanging upside down from a tree.

Fred: Did you discipline yourself by flagellation? That tends to have a negative impact on grades.

Nota Bene: Don't worry about her getting on me. I could easily throw her off.

Steve: You are in no position to make such a judgement until you've looked at all the pictures in my archives.

Kage: The boobs are real but their stuffing is synthetic. Do you admire them, Ms Kage?
I think Katie Price and (former?) husband had a reality show aired over here for a time. I didn't know she was only 33! Suppose she is on the lookout for her next hubby...could be you GB! ;)
How cheeky, Miss Virgin! She's far too high-maintenance for a gorilla!
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