Monday, October 24, 2011
Oxford blue
The Oxford Union keeps on inviting me to give them a speech, but I’m not the least bit interested. You can’t flatter a gorilla into performing on a sinking ship. Their desperation for celebrity speakers became evident when they hosted a lecture from Miss Katie Price, a 33-year-old English “glamour model” best known for the buoyancy of her bosom.
After eight minutes of stellar oratory, Katie ran out of things to say, prompting the organiser of the event to call for questions from the floor. A beefy rugby-playing student asked Katie who her best lover had been.
“It could be you, you look really fit up there – buff!” she answered. “I bet you’re too young for me,” she added ruefully.
Full marks to Katie for disqualifying a potential stud on account of his tender age – I give her credit for her principled approach to brazen whoring. Someone then asked her what she looked for in a man.
“If you wanna get ten men to stand up here naked, I’ll show you!” she declared.
Sadly, none of the lads in the hall accepted her generous offer of a free knob inspection. Some audiences are just too shy to participate. The conference ended amid raucous hooting and cheering, to which Katie responded with raunchy pouting and blowing.
The next logical step would be to make her an Oxford don, so she could oversee new degree programmes in Bawdy Repartee and Artistic Disrobing. A woman with her contacts could easily recruit qualified staff to give lectures in arse-wiggling and chest exposure. As the gifted students began to graduate, Oxford University could offer PhDs in groping and dogging.
The main downside of such an exciting development would be its effect on the traditional subjects. Young humans already need tremendous self-discipline to study the arts and sciences when they’re far more interested in rampant fornication. My old friend Dickie Dawkins would find the ranks of his followers severely depleted, as all but his most devoted groupies went off to learn about hoochie-mama-ism and the like. Although he earns plenty of money from books and TV appearances, having to cancel his lectures would be a crushing blow to his pride. You can’t salvage the ego of an intellectual by telling him to count the cash in his bank account.
Dickie could always hang out with his hairy cousins, of course. I’ve told him on many occasions that he’d be welcomed with open arms if he wanted to join my band. He could pontificate in the jungle to his heart’s content while we pretended to listen in rapt attention. A man who promotes the idea of primate consanguinity ought to be entirely at home in a community of apes.
Katie could hang out with us too if she wanted. It's quite possible she might find life in academia too dry and oppressive. Although we could never make her an honorary gorilla because of her artificial bust, we wouldn’t mind at all if she ran around naked and sexually harassed the local witch doctor. There’s no point having guests if you won’t let them do their own thing.
Labels: Dickie Dawkins, Hoochie-mama-ism, Katie Price, Oxford Union
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Book review offer
The editor of a magazine has asked me to review a book. I got the following email from him yesterday:
Dear Bananas
Have you heard of an idiot called Seymore Butts? He used to act in pornographic films and now presents himself as an authority on sexual matters. He has written a book called 'Rock Her World' implying that most men have no idea how to please a woman in bed. It is frankly flabbergasting that a publishing house should promote the ideas of a man whose only claim to expertise lies in cavorting with harlots and nymphomaniacs. Would you be interested in writing a piece for a gentleman’s periodical demolishing this absurd drivel? You are the very ape I am looking for to put this drooling buffoon in his place.
Respectfully yours
J D Spoon, editor
Now I don’t know much about an editor’s job, but there is something very strange about being asked to write a negative review before one has even opened the book. Does Spoon believe that a gorilla is a factotum who will do anything a human asks of him for an appropriate fee? Piqued by his presumption, I replied as follows:
Dear Spoon
Thank you for your recent message. I had not heard of Seymore Butts until you mentioned him. May I ask why you think I have the knowledge or inclination to review his book in the manner you suggest? For all I know, most men may indeed be hopeless lovers. Even if Butts is wrong, he ought to be able to express his views without being subjected to a character assassination. Pending clarification of these issues, I provisionally respond to your request in the negative.
With regrets
G. Bananas
Spoon responded quickly to my email.
Dear Bananas
Let me expand on the sentiments expressed in my earlier message. I assume you are a silverback gorilla who regularly attends to the business of servicing his mates. Has anyone ever written a book claiming that your females were howling in frustration at your performance? Of course not! You simply follow your instincts, and no one calls you an ignorant, selfish dolt for doing so. So please spare a thought for your fellow male primates of the human species! My offer to review the book stands.
Kind Regards
J D Spoon
This email cast a more sympathetic light on Spoon and his peculiar animus. He is quite right that no one has written a book criticising the sexual prowess of the male gorilla. This is possibly because our females would rather give explicit instructions in the heat of the moment than indulge in futile carping afterwards. You tend to do what a lady gorilla says when she’s gnashing her teeth in feverish anticipation.
So being a fair-minded ape, I decided to read an existing review of the book to find out what all the fuss is about. Although the review was favourable, it is blindingly obvious that Butts is a fatuous ninny. According to the reviewer, the author’s philosophy is encapsulated in the following catchphrase:
“Guys, you gotta give to get – and that is the bottom line.”
How appropriate that the word “bottom” appears in it.
In all probability, the pages of this book are worthy of wiping a baboon’s anus. Yet I shall not entangle myself in human controversies by penning a hostile review. I will send Spoon a friendly message suggesting that he asks Dickie Dawkins to review it instead. As a man who favours instinctive behaviour, Dickie will relish giving Butts a thorough caning.
Labels: Book Review, Dickie Dawkins, Rock Her World, Seymore Butts
